The first thing that came to my mind was a sense of nothingness. I couldn't differentiate black from white, up from down, right and left... Everything was everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Images from somewhere I used to be flashed through the emptiness that surrounded me while a feeling of regret washed over me. It was like when you do something you should't and you know you will get in trouble for it.
Nothing in that dark place made any sense, if you hadn't guessed already. My senses, steadily recovering and yet no sense could be made out of what I was seeing, hearing, feeling, receiving. The only common theme in everywhere I looked was a deep regret.
"I must have done something pretty bad, hunn"
before any other thoughts crossed my mind... or was it after ? Time didn't seem to have any meaning there too. Either way, a flush or memories almost felt like it rained over myself. I would have assumed they were mine but they seemed so fake that my disconnection with them was almost immediate. I can kind of feel that they are mine, but still, if these memories were running for an Oscar, they sure wouldn't make it.
A too good to be true life. loving parents, enough money to live and have some fun from time to time, friends that were always there for me and more. what happened for it to look so fake ?
" My mom seemed so happy in this one " I said trying to focus on a single memory that soon enough slipped through my mindy fingers. " Woa, is that my brother ? he seems smart! " I thought to myself, trying to regain my connections with those fragments, but there was something missing. Something very important has yet to be shown to me.
My mind still lost in this open and yet crumbled space gradually recovered itself.
" Maybe that is why nothing makes sense, I'm in pieces. But still, something happened. if I'm in pieces, does that mean I'm in some kind of coma ? Maybe I hit my head really hard somehow and now I'm a hospital bed recovering !"
Steadily, my memories began to reorganize themselves. It was like someone or something was putting me back together, piece by piece I was remembering who I was. Before long though, I figured something was lacking. It wasn't like before this time, I knew exactly what the missing piece was...
"Where is my name ? "
The voice of what I can now assume is myself's echoed throughout the still dark abyss that coldly looks back at me.
"I can't remember it ! Why can't I remember it ? My mom's name is Christine, my dad's name is Richard, my brother's name is John... why isn't my name here ? "
I asked, not exactly expecting any answer. Nothing had yet attempted to relate or explain anything to me yet, why start now, right ?
" Why is my name the only thing tak..."
Before an ending came to my query, I felt something. Not an emotion this time, I really felt something, physically, I mean. Something was pulling me out of the abyss, or at least trying to. The abyss itself was trying to keep me in, was trying to break me again, was trying to undo the me that someone else put back together. It was like a fight was happening for me, and I couldn't do a thing except wonder what was about to happen. It wasn't painful, but deep down I knew I didn't want to be in this endless void anymore. I want to remember, I want to feel, I want to know how it feels to be me again...
" I want to live " I said in a weak voice that still echoed through the endless nothingness. Weirdly enough, the void itself seems to hesitate trying to keep me here. Just for a moment though, before it tried harder to overcome the force pulling me out. I can't say for sure if it was fear of never coming out of here or if it was just a thing of the moment... but something was fighting for me... something wanted me to be out of here... something wanted me ... whole.
" I WANT TO LIVE " this time I screamed. the loud immaterial voice thundered nonstop inside the empty space.
" Let me go, please... " I said to the void. And I can swear that, for just a little while, it smiled back at me. Like it was waiting for me to say something all along, it let me go, and the force that was drawing me out didn't waste anytime and did its thing.
While moving out of the void, I could barely look back to it. But I could feel it was somewhat happy to see me go. Without thinking too much about it, I tried to wave back at it, bid it farewell somehow. I don't know if it work thought, because in the next moment, I am out. And this is where I am now, out of a world of darkness and into a world so bright that I can't actually see a thing.
I feel like I fell onto something. Something delicate and warm, but still strong. My eyes still haven't gotten used to this brightness though. Before long, the warm thing that I landed onto starts moving towards a mysterious shadow that towers over the warm thing. It then says something towards a tall figure that I can now somehow discern some of its features as being masculine, The happy tone the warm thing is addressing makes me feel relieved.
Is it happy to see me ? I ask myself, but still hadn't uttered a word.
As the time passes and the worm thing kept its movements as agitated as when she first caught me, my eyes are now used enough to the brightness that I can say for sure that I am as lost as I was when I resided in the darkness.
First, the warm thing. It appears that it is in fact a gigantic girl with features of a small child. I am about the size of her palms, and she is frantically running around and showing what I can assume is me to everyone she lays her eyes on. She is wearing a blue kimono like dress, has deep green eyes that shine with happiness and pride, like she just accomplished the most important task in her life. her blond long hear dancing in the wind as she is determined to brag about... me ? to everyone around. but without questioning, the most distinct feature in her that I could put my eyes on was her ears... they were long, and pointy.
What is this ? is she sick or something ? why does she look like an elf ?
Yes, the stereotypical image of an elf fits perfectly with the big little girl wiggling me around. At the distance, where once the manly shadowy figure was located was a huge bulky and large man, also with pointy ears, looking glad and heartrendingly towards us, me and the big little girl. Actually, now that I give my surroundings another look, I'm doubting that the little girl is actually big. huge trees that tower over the little girl, a huge wooden house at the background and the most diverse meadow I've ever seen. The girl is not huge... I'm just small.
What is happening here ? What happened to me in that place ?
It was then that I look at myself for the first time since coming out of the abyss, and what awaits me takes my breath away. a small animal like body that is probably gonna be hard to stand on two feet with, a pure white thin fur covering every part of it, a huge and long cat-like tail coming out of my bottom and hands that look more like two small little paws, except for the opposing thumbs that gives them a more anthropomorphic figure. I then start feeling my head, and other differences start to show up. Long bunny-like ears where once there was hair, a small snout bulging out of my face. Everything is different. Even without having a look, I know that even my eyes must be different.
Wha... what is this ? What happened to the past me ? This isn't me ! I know I said I wanted to live but, I wasn't expecting this !
Too much information at once is taking a toll at me. I can feel a dizziness take over my spinning head. For sure, the agitated movement the little girl is happily doing isn't helping me overcome and absorb this new reality that I'm facing. My breath starts to get irregular, my vision starts to get darker, the sound of the birds that so fascinatingly tweet throughout my surroundings start to get muffled and distant. And before long, what looks like the dark of the abyss taking me back engulfs me inside my head once again. But this time, I have a feeling that I will come back. In the distance, I can hear the little girl scream worriedly before I finally take a rest.