I felt like a prisoner locked in my room when my father refused to allow me back to school. In response I confined myself to my room that morning. All attempts to get me to come down to eat was futile in my stubbornness. It wasn't until around noon when my mothers concerned eyes diminished my child like tantrum. It wasn't until she placed the food in front of me that I realized I really had no desire to eat. I forced a few bites and laid down pulling my legs to my chest. Was this depression, why did I feel as if I needed to pull my whole body into myself until I disappeared. Caleb's name rolled constantly through my mind until late at night when I dragged myself up to complete the book cover for English. I lazily dragged my hand across the graphic tablet connected to my computer. I struggled to focus on the task at hand and expel any thoughts of Caleb. Seeing the cover come together from the rough draft Mark and I created in class made me worry how he was doing. I picked up my phone and sent him a text.
'Hey sorry it's so late I just wanted to know if there were any changes you wanted to make to the cover while I'm finishing it up'
I saw the dots on the bottom of the screen appear anticipating this response, but just as quickly as they appeared they disappeared. Rejection set in but I tried to understand his position of being in conflict with one of his friends. Instead I wrote to Ava.
'Hey I am unable to get in touch with Mark'
'What did you need, I can let him know.'
Ava's response came quick and I had to admit not exactly what I expected. I was hoping she would give me more details about what was going on, why he was ignoring me.
'i just wanted him to know when I finished our English assignment I will email it to him through the school portal'
'Are you not coming to school tomorrow?'
'I don't know my father refuses to discuss it.'
'IS HE CRAZY' I was a little taken back by her response, it felt so intense and instincts to defend him set in. My fingers halted when I realized, I was not sure what it is I am defending him against. My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of another message coming in from Ava.
'I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that. Are you okay?'
Am I "okay". I did not know how to answer that. Obviously I was not okay but I didn't want her to worry. Even more so I didn't want Caleb to worry, especially since I would not be able to see his response or check and see If he was okay. The last time I saw him was almost as if I gave him the air he needed to breathe.
'I'm fine.'
I sent the text off unable to write more. Without thought my fingers began writing out the next text 'How is your brother?' I quickly deleted the text reminding myself not to create concern. The text stopped there I continued my work sending it off when I was done.
That night I laid in my bed unable to find sleep. When I finally was able to dose of I dreamed of a sullen Caleb sitting in a chair eyes void of emotion, skin pale, and movements still. This image an instant nightmare that startled me awake and kept be that way for the rest of the night. The sun rose and still I remained in bed with the covers tight around me. My father came into my room first.
"Hey sweety." He called from he door way.
My lack of response egged him in and I felt his presence cast over me. My eyes instantly shut, I squeezed them tightly. I refused to look at him. He was the reason Caleb was not here with me. He was the reason I felt so empty.
"Amira, look at me?" He asked.
"No," I pulled my face into my sheets. "I'm not hungry, you can go to breakfast without me."
I felt my actions hurt him more than my words, and he retreated from my room. It was some time before my mother next appeared.
"Amira," She sat next to me on the bed and took her cool hand across my forehead. "I'll leave your food right here."
I heard the plate hit the desk and she rubbed my back in a loving gesture before she left me alone. I did not eat, I did not move, my desire to do anything had long gone in the night.
Noon time rolled around when I heard the doorbell ring. Feeling a draw I wrapped my blanket around myself and walked to the top of the stairs where I stood as my dad answered the door. I could not see who it was because my dad's stance blocked my view. Ava stepped into the house and faced my father.
"I came by to check on Amira. If she is anything like my brother I know she has retreated to her room."
"I do not think that this is a good idea."
"I'm just here as a concerned friend."
"Dad please," I quietly pleaded from the top of the stairs
Dad gazed up at my appearance and his hardened eyes softened as they looked over my state. It was the first time this whole week that his determination for me to get over whatever this was looked defeated. His eyes dropped slightly and he reluctantly stepped aside allowing Ava in. She smiled warmly at him and thanked him before quickly bounding up the stairs towards me. Her hesitant face stopped right before me and she gazed deep into my eyes. Concern filled each corner of her face as she examined me. I finally found the courage to return the gaze and in her eyes I saw the reflection of my own pain. The observation startled me and I quickly looked away. Ava placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder and lead me away from the stairs. Out of view of the stairwell I took the lead and directed her to my room. We both perched on the edge of my bed.
"I thought you said you were fine, You look like crap." She commented
"Thanks" my attempt to mimic the light hearted mood she was trying to create failed.
Ava smiled reassuringly at me and took her hands over my hair. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to feel something else besides the pain that has been present this week. I don't know if she knew but just her presence here helped ease some of tension I held.
"If it helps any Caleb is not doing much better."
"It doesn't," I was just as concerned for his well being as I was my own, if not more. "I feel guilty."
"The moon goddess has plans for us all, and in the end it will all work out the way it is supposed to. Faith is all that is needed."
Faith? Moon goddess? Im not a very religious person and my parents have never raised me based off of any religion. The Moon goddess is definitely not something I have heard any of my past friends state they had faith in. There were the common christians, muslims, and jewish friends that I encountered. Some Wiccan, Rasta, Buddhist, and sikhs. I guess in my diverse journey across the country I now had another distinctive person to get to know. No judgment on my part as it is common for me to have to remedy my ignorance when meeting new people, and it seems here I have developed a great number of ignorances.
"I hope so," I replied to her.
In the comfort of the silence between us I began to think about how I missed interacting with everyone. I finally felt as if I fit in somewhere and being removed from that made me feel alienated again.
"How is everyone?"
"It's been a little tense since your absence, but still the personalities are still there." She said jokingly
"What about Mark?" She froze slightly. "He hasn't returned any of my phone calls."
"Yes…" she hesitated, "He has been banned from contact." One look at my expression and she quickly continued, "It's just because Caleb gets really jealous and protective. His stubbornness prevents him from understanding."
I felt slightly annoyed and I didn't know towards who.
"Just please, for now, don't bring Mark up in front of him. Not until you two have at least… familiarized yourself with each other."
I nodded in understanding, my annoyance not important when it came to his happiness.
"Where is Caleb?"
"He was forced to that party tonight with the guys. Mostly on babysitting duty to make sure they don't do anything stupid."
I giggled about him having to babysit guys who were the same age and should be just as responsible for themselves.
"The party we weren't allowed to go to?" I asked Ava
"The same" she responded with annoyance.
"We should go." I stated after a pause in our conversation.
Ava's head quickly snapped up and when she realized I was serious her face lit up.
I didn't wait for Ava to reply instead jumping up and running to my closet. I quickly put together the best outfit and prepared for our jail break.
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With my outfit on I waited for approval from Ava. My outfit was a simple pair of skinny jeans, a grey Henley Linen shirt, and a pair of wedges. The plan was for me to climb down the trellis outside of my window and Ava walk out the front door claiming I fell asleep.
We quickly put the plan into motion me sliding through an open window as I heard Ava descend the stairs.
"She fell asleep so I am going to head home." I heard Ava speak to my parents as I gained my footing to climb down.
I was half way down the stairs when I misplaced a foot and fell quickly. I was awaiting for the impact of the ground when instead I looked down to see my feet had landed softly and swiftly in the grass. My thoughts were cut short when Ava rounded the corner and pulled me to the car.
"I can't believe we're doing this," Ava said as she started the car.
"I know I've never been to a party before. "
"Crazy thing is neither have I." She said as we accelerated down the street in the direction of the party.
The excitement continued as we headed to the party. I did not know what to expect but I knew what I've seen on tv. The teenager whose parents are never home, inviting the whole school over to engage in activities normally halted by the adult supervision. Alcohol covering every known surface, encouraging people to dance with no regrets.
We pulled up to a house with about three cars out front, "Are you sure this is the house?"
Ava and I both gazed over the house that appeared quiet before she quickly pulled out her phone. She tapped on the screen a few times before looking back up at the house.
"This is where everyone is saying the party is at."
"Then let's go." I said as I unbuckled my seat belt.
We climbed out of the car and walked slowly to the house. Ava knocked on the door before it opened. We stood in the doorway confused as a young boy probably two years younger than us stood blocking a seemingly quiet house with a smile.
"Hello ladies! I am Dean. Interest fee is $5 for guys and a kiss on the check for beautiful ladies."
"Where is everyone?" I whispered to Ava
"Don't worry everyone is in the basement. Can't chance the neighbors shutting us down early. "
We smiled at each other as we faced Dean. Ava gave him a kiss on the cheek and slid in past him. I went to give him a kiss on the cheek when Ava stopped me.
"Do we both have to?"
I looked at her in confusion, "It's just a kiss on the cheek."
"Yeah it's just a kiss on the cheek," Dean continued with his bubbly personality
"I don't…"
"We're here to have fun right?" I said cutting her out.
I quickly kissed Dean on the cheek as another group walked up. Ava smiled as she shook her head and we headed towards the door Dean pointed to.
"Don't worry about it Ava he's just a kid trying to have fun," I said as I pulled her to my side as we headed down the stairs.
The noise slowly consumed us as we got closer to the last stair. We opened the door at the bottom of the stairs and was instantly faced with a crowd. Not exactly what I expected, there were a lot of people but still room to navigate the large open room. There was a table in the far right of the room where people gathered as two guys played beer pong, behind that was a bar filled with solo cups. There was music blasting through the speaker and teenagers dancing close to each other. Sprinkled throughout the room were chairs and a few love seats. I quickly grabbed Ava's hand as I heard a crowd of people behind us as we walked further into the basement.
"This is awesome," I held on to Ava as we maneuvered the room. "Lets get a drink."
Ava seemed hesitant as I handed her a cup I slowly sipped the content when she smiled and joined in.
"Hello, Hello. My name is Chris, welcome to my party. Would you guys like to join a game of never have I ever," He said gesturing to each of us.
"I'm down" Ava answered looking to me for a response.
I was here to have fun and I wanted the full party experience.
"I'm in."
"Thats what I am talking about, meet Talia over there and she'll tell you the rules. I am going to pull a few more players."
Chris walked in the opposite direction of where he pointed. Me and Ava grabbed our cups and head towards Talia.
"Hey more players!" Talia shouted. "I'm Talia, what are your names."
"Ava"
"Amira"
"Okay so this game is called never have I ever, which is similar to the regular way you play. Except. In this game we play with cards and sometimes they have you drink if you have never done what ever it states, or it may have you drink if you have." Talia began passing out plastic shot glasses.
"Give me those," Talia pointed to our solo cups tossing the content in the trash. "Where doing big kid drinks, and you'll need a chaser." She poured coke in the cups and handed them back to us.
"All right we have veterans here," Chris walked over with two more girls and a guy.
Everyone shifted over making room for the rest of the group. Talia pulled out a bottle of Green Goose as the crowed shouted in excitement.
"Alright, I'll read the first question and then we'll go clockwise." Talia picked up a card, "Never have I ever fallen asleep during a movie. Everyone who has raise your hand." A few people in the group raised their hand "Everyone else take a shot.'
"What!?" Everyone shouted with smiles on.
I held my hand up signaling I have fallen a sleep and laughed as Ava had to take her first shot. The game continued and about half an hour later I started to feel the effects of the four shots I took. Ava 8 shots in barely showed signs of drinking.
"Never have I ever danced on a bar top?" The guy across from me read off
Half of us raised their hand, me and Ava being new to the party scene were part of the half with our hand down.
"Those with your hand down, take two shots."
Drunken groans flittered around the group as everyone still held excitement for the game. As I raised my second shot to my lips Ava pulled away downing the drink.
"I think we are done." Ava said as she pulled me up.
"Awww" the group stated in unison.
"Come on let's go dance." Ava pulled me towards the loud speakers
The disappointment in leaving the game instantly left me and I moved towards the dance floor, pushing through a now overly crowded room. Once on the floor I let all thought leave my mind as I moved my body to the beat. My first experience at a party and I was loving it. My eyes opened when I felt someone tapping me. I smiled when I seen Ava handing me another cup.
"Cheers" she said holding her own cup out to me.
"Cheers"
We clashed our cups together and we both quickly drank the beer. The party seemed to get louder and crazier as the night went on. Drinks were handed to me left and right, as I wandered from party game to party game.
"let's get another drink," I shouted to Ava
"Okay"
We slid back from the table we were at and headed to the bar. I felt myself getting louder the more drinks I consumed, my words slowing, and my movements sluggish, requiring me to think more about what I was doing and how to execute those actions. Still I did not have the dizziness, uneasy stomach, stumbling, and slurred speech I saw in movies when teenagers got drunk. Still that did not stop me from tripping over the rolled up edge of carpet flying in to a guy in front of me. In slow motion I saw his phone fly behind the bar.
"I am so sorry." I stated leaning over the bar to see where it went
"Shit!" He exclaimed
"Don't worry I got."
I quickly assessed the best possible way to get his phone deciding to climb on the bar. Lucky it did not hit the ground but landed on the shelf behind the bar. I hoisted myself up, ignoring the tug of Ava as I reached his phone. As I grabbed his phone I heard the whistling of the people behind me.
"Dance!" I heard someone yell.
As I handed the guy back his phone I saw two other girls join me.
"Come on." They pulled me into a standing position
I let the music take over as I joined them and began moving. I tried to coax Ava up as she tried to pull me down. I grabbed one of the drinks that we didn't kick down and continued drinking as I moved.
"I guess if you can't beat them join them." I heard Ava say beside me
"It's our first party let's live it up!" I shout it as we tossed back the drink and reached for another.
I definitely need to make parties part of my regular high school career. That was if my dad didn't kill me when I get home.
"Oh my gosh, my dad!" I said hugging on Ava
"Did he call you?" She laughed
"I don't know, but I know he is pissed." I said as I pulled away and began dancing again.
I heard the low growl before I felt the pull. I looked up in to Caleb's eyes as he gazed at me with anger. It was definitely the liquor that made me laugh. Still holding on to my cup I attempted to chug what didn't spill during the fall into his arms. Caleb snatched the cup from me and threw it.
"No more. We're leaving." I began laughing again before I began to worry about Ava.
I should have known that Cameron was not far behind Caleb trying to tame a now angry Ava.
"I can walk Cam you're embarrassing me." She yelled at him
"Good," He said holding her in the same bridal style Caleb had me in.
As we headed for the door I spotted Alex who laughed at the image. I began to finally come down from my high as we ascended the stairs. I looked at Caleb who seemed to be avoiding eye contact with me. I brought my hand up to his creased eyebrows.
"Are you mad at me?" I spoke softly rubbing back and forth between his eyebrows
He growled and hoisted me closer to him, "Yes."
Still his face softened. I felt sad knowing he was angry at me, I never thought this would upset him. Instantly regret filled me and a lonely tear left my eye. It didn't fall quick enough before he caught it wiping it away.
"I'll get over it." His words holding a gentle tone.
We walked towards the front door where Dean quickly moved out of the way. I spotted a shining black eye and for some reason I felt responsible for his new look. Caleb shifted obstructing Dean from my view as we exited the house. The cold air hit me and the grogginess settled in. I turned to the continuing shouts from Ava as she ordered Cameron to put her down.
"Where is your car?" Cameron asked in a stern voice.
"I'm not telling you," She said crossing her arms and stomping her feet.
I let instinct take over me allowing my eyes to flutter slightly closed.
"AVA!" Caleb's order vibrating through him, holding more power than Cameron. "you have caused enough trouble. Look at her she is completely wasted."
"She's not sobering?" I hear the concern instantly take over her voice. "i just figured-I wouldn't have let her drink so much if I knew she wouldn't sober quickly."
I felt her hands on my face, her touch gentle and caring.
"It doesn't matter, where is your car."
I pointed in the direction of her car without opening my eyes. Hopefully the right direction.
"Cam you take her home and report to my Dad. I'll have Alex drive me to her house."
"Are you sure." Cameron sounded hesitant
"Yes," Caleb replied authoritatively
I don't remember getting into the car but I woke to the steady movement. My eyes opened to Caleb's attentive gaze. I moved closer to him feeling too far apart.
"Did you punch Dean?"
"The boy at the door? Yes."
"Why?" I nuzzled my head on his shoulder
"I smelled you on him."
I picked my head up looking at him in confusion. He rolled his eyes and placed my head back on his shoulder.
"I don't like when you ask about other men."
"So Mark?" I don't know why I brought him up.
"Is off limits." His response was quick and halting
"i don't like you being angry, don't be angry with me." I took my hand over his chest rubbing up and down
He grunted, different then the growls that he emitted when angry. Though the noises are new to me, cognitively it became an instant norm. The neighborhood began to look normal around us.
"I'm not" he said running a hand down my back.
I leaned up and placed a quick kiss on his jaw. His shocked expression quickly changing to a smile. Panic quickly filled me when the car stopped and I realized we were in my driveway.
"Your leaving me again," I stated instead of questioning.
"Not by choice," He gritted
Tears instantly filled my eyes thinking of having to part again. I heard banging on the window and my fathers face appeared filled with his own anger. I clung to Caleb tighter.
"Please don't go. I don't want you to leave me."
"It won't be forever." He tried to calm me
The door opened and my father's distorted angry voice filled the car.
Consciousness filled me again as I gained awareness I was in familiar arms.
"I cannot leave her tonight. My presence will ease her discomfort, plus the agony of separation is not spared on either of us."
I pulled myself closer to Caleb.
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I felt the soft bed beneath me, I felt the space around me and panic sunk in with the empty space.
"She is awake." I heard Calebs panicked voice
I heard his quickened pace climb the stairs. It was not long before my door opened and Caleb claimed my view.
"Calm down I'm right here." He brushed back my hair as I pulled him closer.
"You're here," I said relaxing into his touch
"I couldn't leave you like this," he said pulling me closer.
"Where were you just now?"
"Talking to your parents."
Panic crept deep into my bones and as if Caleb could read my mind he kissed my temple.
"Don't worry we've come to a compromise, not a good one but…You rest now and we'll talk about it when you're well."