"Nobody panic!" yelled the Flight Attendant "We will check the situation, in the meantime please remain seated!"
"We have to find a way to solve this shit without alerting the stupid couple" I whispered "Got any plan?"
"Follow my lead" said Sherlock, standing up and heading for the plane's bathroom, I followed grabbing Jane's arm. The bathroom had two Flight Attendants checking out the corpse, discussing about what they must do.
"Please go back to your seats" demanded one of the Flight Attendants.
"Shut up, we're detectives!" I claimed.
"You and your wife resigned a few years ago" said Sherlock
"Zip it fake Jeremy Brett"
"Do we have to force you?" asked the Flight Attendant.
"My name is Sherlock Holmes, i'm sure you've heard of me!" He introduced.
"I'm sure you are"
"Excuse me" interrupted Officer Heinz.
"Great, another one. Who are you then?"
"Officer Heinz!" he pulled out his badge "Now, if you may leave us to conduct police work. I don't think i'll have to tell you anything else. Off you pop!"
The two Flight Attendants said nothing, then nodded before leaving us giving a clear view of the corpse inside. It was incredibly disfigured and the limbs were all over the place, hard to tell if it was a man or woman.
"Where's Agatha?" asked Jane
"I made him watch a boring movie to make him sleep. Anyway, you used to be detectives, what can you see here?"
"He or she has been murdered, as the passenger said" said I.
"Go on"
"If there is a murdered individual, then there is a murderer"
"You are brilliant!" cheered Sherlock.
"Really?"
"Yes, brilliant at pointing out the obvious and suck at common sense! We need a closer look. Now stay here while I examine the body and the bathroom because there's not enough space for all of us to be in this bathroom"
"You might need Jane's ears and sense of touch" I pointed out.
"I'm not a tool, moron!" said Jane.
"I am not saying that. You are my best friend"
"I'm just kidding, you big walking pile of garbage"
"Garbages stick together"
"You two are the only couple i'm supporting" said Officer Heinz.
"We are not a couple. What the fuck are you still doing here? Scram we need to concentrate"
Officer Heinz murmured inaudibly as he walked back to his seat.
"Whomever murdered this idiot has a habit of smoking like there's no tomorrow" said Sherlock, sniffing the air in the place "Hum, weed? No! cocaine? No!"
"Homemade" claimed Jane "Notice the sudden change in the scent to confuse you. It's a homemade cigarette to confuse those who sniff it and in this case, those who bother to examine the body"
"Excellent, my dear girl!"
"Your dear girl?" asked I
"Jane, you go hang out with the man I deduce is a murderer. William Animal House, you go guide your garbage. I will be here doing my work" said Sherlock, gently pushing Jane and I away.
"Emily could be helpful now" I whispered as we walked to the couple flirting with each other infront of Officer Heinz who looked tormented. The sight of the couple flirting with each other burned our eyes and I wanted to persuade them to take separate seats far away from each other until the flight was over. Same as every other young couple in schools who sit next to each other cuddling, flirting, and talking about marriage and babies when someday they will break up and lust for other people thus, creating a cycle. A cycle of stupid people doing absurd romance in public to make people of all ages want to ball their eyes out.
"We're gonna have to talk like normal people" said I
"What?" asked Jane
"We need to blend in, speak their language"
"Well, if that's what must be done. You go first"
"Fine" I approached the couple, Jane held my shoulder. "Howdy, fellow normal person. Mind I ask thou if thy hobby be separating energy from its source thus, permanently disabling one's function to act?"
"I'm sorry what?" asked the boy.
"Just tell me what shit you two do for a living or are you dead inside?"
"Well, I used to work at a restaurant, but now my honeybunnysweetiepie makes the money for us"
I inhaled and exhaled trying to forget I just heard honeybunnysweetiepie before continuing.
"And what'd be her job?"
"I'm a fry cook" she answered.
"What?!" I asked loudly in an almost ear-piercing voice. All the passengers stared at me for a second before going back to whatever it is they were doing.
"I'm kidding" she laughed "I'm a journalist"
"What do you write?"
"Journalism"
"I mean what topics do you fucking choose to write you fucking nitwit?"
"Ones that apply to the generation of today, for example, Tiktok"
"You involve Tiktok in your topics?!" Jane gasped.
"Yes, it's what-"
"Shutty-ti up up up! How are you not fired?"
"Now now Jane" I attempted to calm her down "Everyone has their own thing"
"Are you okay?" asked the girl, leaning in and touching Jane's hand.
"I deduce the hand that's touching me is yours. Touch not with thy sinning hands!" she yelled, pulling her arm away. "If I still worked for the police, i'd have you arrested now!"
"Hush now, Jane, calm down" said I "Remember years ago when you shamed someone over the phone for calling the police because his roommate ate pineapple on pizza? You said something about everyone having their own likes and dislikes and one must not shame someone for having an opposing opinion especially on the internet"
"Oh yeah! That was before the case of someone eating their own sock!"
"I think so?"
"Excuse me" said the boy "Are you detectives?"
"We used to be" I answered "But a pair of idiots got us involved in a certain Skimbleshank when we wanted peace and to die together. Isn't that right, Officer Heinz?" I slowly turned my head to the officer sinking his head on the palm of his hands and brushing his hair back.
"Why are you here again?" he asked.
"Oh right!" I snapped, turning my head back to the couple "Alright you two, we would like to ask a thing or two!"
"Are you accusing us of the murder scene right now?" asked the boy, holding his lover's hand.
"Yes"
"The fuck?"
"I found a glass of milk inside his-or-her bottomhole" said Sherlock, holding out an empty glass with nothing but a trace of white substance.