"Are you ready for the surgery?"
A middle-aged nurse came in with a bright smile on her face. Right away she opened the curtain that has been blocking the sunlight that passes through the glass window. Then she approached my bed and started to pull off the hospital blanket that covered me from neck to my feet neatly.
I have a schedule for a surgery shortly but she acted like this surgery was not a big deal. Another nurse showed up in my room. She stopped right beside my bed and as her eyes met mine she smiled earnestly.
The moment I saw that smile, I knew she pitied me. We all knew all along that this surgery only gave me less than twenty percent possibility to be the normal girl I used to be.
Few days ago, the head of team doctors came in while my family gathered around me. He informed us that this would be the last effort that we could do. My mom cried while my dad looked me in the eyes. I gave him a smile to let him know that I agreed with the suggestion. That was all I could do.
The moment I regained consciousness somehow I knew I would not be like what I used to be. When the doctors came and gave me a brief intro about my condition, I decided to put my life as a gamble. Since then, what I was afraid of was not death but rather the grief that my loved ones need to bear. I am just twenty five years old and in the middle of my youthful life.
On that fateful night, I have just finished my overtime work. I was briskly walking out of the office to catch the last bus home when a car hit me out of nowhere. I did not even have time to feel the pain. My body flew like a rag doll and hit the ground hard, then I was unconscious.
By the time I opened my eyes, I was already lying on a hospital bed, fighting for my life with all the life supporting machines that were attached to my body. I cannot move my body at all, I was paralyzed.
From that day, I witnessed my mom's tears, my brother's anger and my dad's pain. Each day is hard for them and for me. My dad and my brother meet the police every other day. My mom sat for long hours in tears just watching over me. I have to admit that many times I wished that I could leave this life peacefully so that my family could move on.
The nurse lowered my bed and started preparing me for the battle. I wish I could tell her to give a word or two to my parents the moment the surgery was done. But I could not.
Both the nurses covered me with a thick blanket, attached all the equipment around me to my hospital bed, then they started pulling and pushing the bed out of the room.
I did not get to see my family. I did not know where they were. I wish I could see their faces because this could be the last time. But part of me felt that this might be better for them. I cannot feel the tears falling from my eyes. It was when the tears blurred my eyes then I realized that I had shed tears.
They pushed my hospital bed through many doors. All I saw was the lights on the ceiling. I heard the two nurses talking softly about how strong I was. I have survived for so long and how this surgery would have a huge team of doctors and nurses.
I closed my eyes and memories of my life flashed through like a movie as if it happened a moment ago. I heard a whisper in my ear telling me to relax. But I cannot stop my tears or my memories that were playing in my head. My feelings were mixed while all the memories that appeared in my mind began to fade into darkness.
For what felt like an eternity, my feelings slowly became as empty as the abyss. For a long time, I was in darkness….