Chapter 11: Mini
Watching Alpha walk away, I wonder what to do next. He said lunch was between twelve and fourteen hundred(1) but there was also a small commissary that I could visit for something light if I didn't want to eat a full meal with everyone else. Should I greet my new neighbor or unpack so I can actually sleep comfortably tonight?
Internally sighing, I spin around on my heel to walk up to her and instead get surprised to see her right behind me, her face inches away from mine.
"You're the last J, right??? The real J that get her letter and placement after only a year of training at 18??? You are right???" she asks so quickly I wonder if she's going to accidentally bite her tongue.
"Um yes? Nice to meet you, uh," I scramble to answer.
"Soph- um no, Z. I'm Z now," she answers and quickly corrects herself.
"New placement? Congratulations, sweetie," I tell her as politely as I can. I had only barely sedated myself with sugar on the plane ride for maybe 4 or so hours. I had managed to close my eyes a little in the Jeep coming to camp but the excitement rolling off of this girl was draining what little energy I had left. It wasn't even half past noon yet and while I was ready for the fervor of action again, I was basically running on fumes. Plus, I hadn't eaten since last night.
"Um, Ms. J, if you're not too against it, do you want to go get lunch together?" the shy question takes me by surprise.
Contemplating my options, I accept. "Just J is fine, we're equals after all. Food doesn't actually sound like that bad of an idea though. I just need to change and wash off my face. Do you want to go first or are you okay with waiting?"
As soon I say it, I'm dumbfounded by the words that just spilled out of my mouth. Z looks like a sweet chick and all but I didn't think I'd be making friends so soon after coming back just for retraining. Nevertheless, seeing her eyes light up erase any lingering apprehension over my return to this field.
"I can wait for you! I can go with you to the bathroom too if you aren't that familiar with where it is!" Z eagerly answers, apparently afraid that I might change my mind.
'She's cute,' I think to myself, stepping into my new room not bothering to close the door. First, I tie up my hair in a high pony tail. Next, I quickly looking through my bags I find an old pair of cammies(2) that I change into, only mildly(3) surprised that they still fit me. Then I ditch my hoodie for a regular black tank top since it's so much hotter here somewhere in Nevada than in New York despite still being early October. I don't put it on yet, instead throwing it over my shoulder and look for my face wash.
"Aight(4), let's go Missy," I say to the statue in the doorway.
"Oh, yeah of course," Z says. "There are a couple but the closest one is this way," she scrambles to point towards the direction she had originally come from.
The bathroom ended up being at the end of the hallway around the corner and it wasn't until we got inside that her impatience won out and she started talking again. "Your tattoos are beautiful, J. Did you get them after you disappeared?"
In the beginning, I would have froze a little at the mention of my tattoos but even after having hid them for the past 3 years, I felt comfortable with their presence. Even though they were a reminder of what I had done to my family, they were also the main reminder of my family and the happiness they had shown while in raising me.
A melancholy smile spreads on my face as I reminisce. "Most of them, yeah. I had a few small ones while I was posted but the main ones came later. Help me remember, y'know."
She just nods understandingly while moving her eyes from making eye contact with me in the mirror to the floor.
Eating lunch with Z turned out to be a great idea. I did talk to other people that showed up as well but I came to realize why I had agreed to it so easily in the first place. She was essentially a carbon copy of my kid sister. Or at least how I'd imagine she'd be by now.
I hope her energy doesn't fade any time soon. Her very presence was making me smile more than I had in a long time.
(1) twelve and fourteen hundred: military time for 12-2pm. Not sure how it's typically written out but I know it's usually spoken this way
(2) cammies: standard military uniform with the black, brown and green camouflage pattern
(3) mildly: slang way of downplaying something. Basically (translation): not mildly at all; also might appear as moderately
(4) aight: alright
Chapter 12: Self Preservation
Eating lunch at the mess hall had lasted way longer than I thought I would have stayed for, nearly an hour and a half between being half starved and trying to talk to new people every 10 seconds. It was still worth it and my mood was significantly better than while I was traveling here. Stories about me were rare except about my last mission but most who came up to me only had good things to say and talk about.
Z and a couple others invited me to train with them later on but I declined, using the unpacked bags in my room as my excuse.
Replacing my high pony with a loose messy bun I lay down in my new temporary bed, in my cleaned room. Given how little I brought with me for this trip, unpacking really only took barely over 2 hours going extremely slowly.
This base was set up similarly to the other ones I've been to but I doubted I'd be able to find a quiet place away from everyone else so easily on my first day. I had already grabbed a couple snack bars from the commissary on my way back so I didn't need to go out again for dinner. Looking around, my room wasn't anything special but there was enough room for a twin sized bed and a small closet with some space to walk around.
Knowing this, I decided to do some yoga in my room. Popping in some ear buds and playing music, I try to calm my thoughts and take deep breaths.
After some unknown amount of time passes with people passing by in the hallway outside, I notice a familiar footstep pattern leading straight to me. I don't know how long I've been at it, but the yoga has really done wonders to make me sweat and stretch out my sore muscles. Opting for one final set of stretches, I have my back turned to my door but still smile at my visitor. Of course Momma S wouldn't knock on my door.
"I see you've gotten better at ignoring what you notice in your surroundings," S says.
"Well 'hello' to you too," I answer while turning around to face her. Unable to hide my smile, I walk towards her and give her a tight hug.
"Welcome back, sweetie," is her simple response but I can sense the urge to cry in her voice. "I'm glad you've been safe all this time."
Tears threaten to spill out of my eyes in her warm embrace. "Of course I've been fine. How could your star student kick the bucket so easily when I couldn't even beat you yet?"
"It's exactly because you couldn't beat me yet that I was worried. And you're such an ungrateful child, leaving me to worry for so long. I'm not trying to look like Alpha, okay?" she says pulling back to look at my face.
"You never will look like Alpha though. The nagging keeps you young," I joke, earning myself a light swat to the top of my head.
"You also have another visitor here. Looks like she's been waiting out there for awhile debating whether or not to bother you," S whispers while nodding her head in the direction of Z's room.
I just giggle a little more and just knock on the wall between our rooms. If past experience is worth anything, these walls are probably thin enough to communicate Morse code using just slightly heavy finger taps. My guess is proven correct when Z shows up a couple seconds later holding a small package.
Inching forward to hand me the package, Z slowly admits her worries. "You didn't come out for a long time and you only grabbed a couple snack bars from the commissary and when I came back I couldn't hear anything so I was worried you weren't planning or eaten only the snack bars... It's a chicken sandwich because I wasn't sure what you liked and it's the most popular choice so..."
"She's adorable, isn't she?" S expresses my thoughts out loud exactly, making me laugh again even louder.
"Yeah, she really is," I instantly agree. Opening the wrapping, I dig in immediately and get a rush of nostalgia. "Mmm, just as mediocre as I remember."
"What were you expecting? The basics to suddenly get an upgrade?" S swats my head again while I burst out again and Z tries her best not to laugh as well. "You better be planning on training properly tomorrow. Your concentration has definitely improved but that's not going to mean much if your body can't keep up."
"Yes ma'am!" both Z and I respond in sync.
"Now go wash up and sleep early. I know it's going to be twenty one hundred(1) before you start to get tired but make sure to get enough rest. I won't go easy on you just because you're a twig now."
I want to frown at the comment but I know that if Momma S is in charge of getting me back in shape, any reaction I have is sure to make my punishment worse. Instead, I keep my expression straight and stand at ease.
She just smirks and walks away saying 'good night' but I know better than to dilly dally. Just the sounds bouncing around in the compound is enough to be certain that S will surely be aware if I ignore her advice. I rush to shower and dry my hair and end up in bed within the hour. Z probably did the same and rushed to bed too after seeing the look on my face when S left but I was asleep before I could really think that much about it.
This is going to be a long two weeks and that's not even including any work Erica might send me.
(1) twenty one hundred: 9pm
(2) at ease: standing up straight with your feet hip width apart and hands behind your back
Chapter 13: Last Night
As promised, S definitely did not show me any leniency during the standard drills with everyone else. After two weeks of being at her mercy, I could definitely tell that she was taking revenge on G and me for not letting her know that I was alive and okay. Tough love always needs to be taken with a pinch of salt I guess.
I didn't see much of A aside from at a couple meals but he was for sure going to show his face before I leave tomorrow morning. At least every time that I did see him, he seemed to get a little less salty(1).
As expected, the admins for Alphabet were not pleased by my past three years of radio silence but still begrudgingly welcomed me back to the organization. Alpha and Momma probably put their necks on the line to convince them that I wasn't a returning spy or something and I was going to ensure their assurance stayed valid.
B was going to stay on base for a little longer because she had an upcoming intelligence mission so I was only going to be leaving with G. Neither was particularly happy about the arrangement but there was nothing any of us could do but hope she came back safely soon.
Interestingly enough, Z was going on the mission with B and it was one of her first official missions. Something about her inexperience made me nervous but her excitement and confidence lent me the strength I needed to remember how I used to feel in her position.
Aside from the first night where I slept from before 19:00 to 04:36, I never got eight hours of sleep again. As promised, Erica had sent me work that I needed to do. While it was not nearly as much as I would have normally needed to do, after hours of fighting, training and practicing with weapons I haven't touched in years, any amount of work felt like a dead weight of "too much".
Staring up at the stars, I miss the blankness of New York's night sky. Light pollution sucks when you want to see the stars but seeing only the moon makes it stand out more against the dark canvas. My jog had gone on long enough so I prepare to make my way back to the rooms when I notice A barreling in my direction.
"I'm not in that much of a hurry to leave, yet you know," I say to the shadow, amused by his urgency.
A catches his breath before speaking, "I know but I just wanted to say good luck first. Admin has been piling up the bullshit so I might not be able to see you off. You've only just barely returned and you know what you are risking but sometimes I wished that you would never have come back to this work."
"So you did know."
"I only assumed based on what I knew about you. S surely had her suspicions too but we couldn't confirm that you were okay without exposing you to anyone that you didn't want to know," A confesses. "Need to know basis and we thought we would be on the 'need to know' list when you were okay with it."
"I guess you're right. Sometimes I wonder if I really should have come back at all. G told me I wasn't safe where I was but with my skills and tool set, there's definitely more I could have done besides just coming right back."
"You could still back out now, you know. It's not too late. Spend some time in Admin to get them off your back for some time."
I shake my head, both of us knowing the easy option is hardly ever the more realistic one that will work. Smiling bitterly, I voice what both of us know, "I can't live my entire life on the run. I started this mess when I messed up and I need to be able to end it or else I will never be able to life with myself."
Mirroring my smile, A gives me one of his signature bear hugs. "Don't turn off your pager again. I'll send you any information that might help you."
I nod and it's enough to satisfy him so we start walking back together. "I wouldn't be able to leave my father behind again to save myself, y'know."
A tries to hide how my words affect him but the slight freeze in his step gives him away. He knows that I noticed and he wants to start listing excuses but he instead chooses to stay silent. 'Wise man,' I think. I wouldn't have let him off quietly if he didn't choose this way.
--------------
When morning comes, only B, S and Z come to see us off, presumably to not interrupt everyone else too much. S hugs me and gives me the signature head momma nagging to take better care of myself. Her crushing grip around my body probably would have snapped me in half if she had used the same strength when I had first arrived.
Squeezing Z in turn, I'm glad she has more muscle and better reflexes than I ever have despite the hardening masses that the past two brutal weeks have built back onto my body. She reminds me so much of my little sister, it hurts. I kiss her forehead and hope my prayers for her safety can keep her safe.
B and G have their little couple time and I can't help but feel jealous. A family of my own is all I have ever wanted but I've never been able to make my own wish come true. If anything, I am the cause of my own dream's demise.
Instead of going straight back to New York City, we head toward the North Carolinian coast line. Normally, I would have gone out to the Frying Pan Tower to spend more time in the ocean but there's not enough time for that on this visit. I couldn't bury my family because cleaners got to the burnt mess before the police did but I still go to the same spot to see them every year.
I remember what I had done and where it had landed everyone and think about what I have to say. The plane ride isn't as long as it is to NYC so I don't have much time to organize my thoughts and how to confess what I am going to do to them.
(1) salty: upset
Chapter 14: Forgive Me
"Hi fam, it's been awhile, hasn't it. Sorry for being late this year. Sorry for showing you guys this look again. I'm..." I start choking on the tears that I couldn't hold back. "I'm so, so sorry..."
Because G and I were just making a quick stop here for a couple hours and had come straight from Alphabet's base camp, I was dressed to the nines again in one of my ABG outfits. I had stopped wearing them at home in high school after A got me out of trouble and they became my cover clothes instead. The night I had walked into my family's death trap, I had been wearing one of the most basic sets, but it was still one of them.
"I know you just wanted the best for me... for me to stop skipping school and to do something worthwhile with my life... *hic* I know you told me not to take revenge for you... I know all of this... but why can't I let it go? And why... why can't I just wholeheartedly ask you to forgive me for going against your wishes?"
I pull my hoodie closer around my shoulders, shivering from the wind atop this familiar cliff overlooking the ocean. Trying to save my make up from running all over my face, I dab the moisture with my sleeves as carefully as I can. Waterproof make up isn't cheap but it does its job against water. What it doesn't protect against is sheer pressure and force.
Despite my best efforts, the tears don't stop for some time. I can sense someone's presence behind me walking towards the edge where I am sitting.
"I thought I told you I'd go find you when I was done," I say to the approaching figure assuming it's G. My tear filled eyes are swollen and still gushing so I can't see clearly but from his reaction and walking pattern, I can tell that this person is not G.
"I'm not sure who you were expecting but I suspect it's not me. Even so, sometimes just having someone around to listen and hear you out helps. Even if they are a complete stranger," says a familiar voice. He's wrong about one thing. Having someone to talk to does help but he is no stranger.
"I guess so. I just wanted to spend some time alone. My thoughts get a little out of control when they don't get sorted out," I manage to respond for some reason.
"I get that, the calm environment here helps with thinking things through."
"There's so much I have regret in the past and I feel like I will continue to add to the ever-growing list no matter what I try to do. *sigh* If you made a mistake in the past that other people paid the price for with their lives and you later found out that you had to take revenge on the ones that took them away to protect more people, would you do it?" I ask, hoping his answer doesn't completely make my sins worse.
"I'm not sure actually. I'd like to think that I wouldn't but realistically, losing important people would surely hurt me a lot. Ideally, I hope that I would be able to let go of the past and not make others suffer the same pain that I did. I still wouldn't want my loved ones to suffer though so I'm not really sure."
His answer was expected but the predicting what such a kindhearted person would like to do doesn't stop the sting to my conscience.
"A friend actually told me about this spot. She told me this is where she goes to talk to her family because of how much they all loved it here. Whenever I'm in town, I always make time to visit at least once," he calmly says, accidentally or otherwise, giving me a chance to change the subject.
"You're not from here? I couldn't hear much of an accent so I thought you were," I take the chance to lie and gently wipe my drying face.
"How kind of you. I'm originally from Japan but moved to New York first to study and now to work. I only travel around on business trips now. Granted, the company likes sending me around quite often."
"I see..." is all I can bring myself to say. The guilt of how much I have omitted and kept from him and Haruka over the years gnaws at my chest. The shame of what my actions led to continuously feeds the black hole of regrets.
With my eyes dried and more than enough time passed, I look and see exactly who I thought it was. Standing up, I offer my hand to help him up but he declines in favor of enjoying the view a little longer.
"Don't stay out too long. The wind gets pretty cold," I tell him as I step back to leave.
He just smiles and nods.
I'm sorry, Kou but I can't agree with you this time. My family had told me the same thing but I can't let them get to the people I cherish again.
Seems like I've been apologizing a lot today.
Chapter 15: First Day Back
Returning to my 9 to 5 went without a hitch except for Haruka's simmering ire. As expected, the second she saw me, she hounded me for why I didn't tell her my vacation was two weeks long instead of the usual week. The excuse is that she didn't ask but really it's just because if I was going to be suffering her wrath, I'd rather it just be afterwards and not both before and after.
I make eye contact with Erica through her window and give her an empathetic glace. There's no way that Haruka didn't harass her during the second week as well.
To make it up to her, I offer to cook her dinner after work before I remember that my fridge is basically empty from the past 3 weeks away from my apartment. Seeing my hesitation, Haruka accepts and says she'll go grocery shopping with me as well if she can sleep over and I promise to go shopping with her on Saturday. It'll mean I lose out on at least 24 hours that I could be spending with G investigating but it's been awhile and I miss my best friend.
I shoot G a text saying I wasn't going to his place on my regular phone when I feel my Alphabet issued pager vibrate. Making a mental note to check it and my private line email later, I tell Haruka I'm down(1) for anything she wants.
"Even hotpot?"
"Even hotpot," I laugh. Haruka squeals happily and hops away to her desk. I shake my head while smiling. It's not even November yet and she was craving hotpot (2).
After we got off work, we went through Chinatown to buy groceries and head back to my place. I noticed some odd agents in the vacinity but they disappeared once we got to my block. I wish I could have tailed or at least put some trackers on them but leaving Haruka alone was just asking for trouble. During my stay at G's house, I had a second layer of tinted bullet proof windows installed through Alphabet's connections so I felt a little more safe than before. If Haruka noticed, she didn't say anything.
We both changed into my lounge sweats and while Haruka was technically not short, her 5'5" stature wasn't enough to avoid rolling up the bottoms. Vegetables washed and soup stock boiled, we sit at the kotatsu(3) that she knew I had and made me take out of the closet and dig in.
"Ahhhh, that really hits the spot. You really gotta treat your bestie better, Juliet. When was the last time I was even here?" Haruka asks lazily. She's curled up under the quilt, super warm and cuddley looking.
"Hmm it's probably been at least 3 or 4 months now. It's not like my place is that nice anyway. Sure there's plenty of space but it's too big for me most of the time."
"That's exactly why you should let me move in with you," she says with a wink.
I'm taken back by the suggestion but when I think about it, it's actually not that bad of an idea. The security was already super buffed up before I added anything and I'd be better able to keep her safe with her so close. "But what about your brother? Won't he be lonely?"
"What about Nii-chan? He's barely even home that often anymore. Stupid company with that stupid director job that makes him travel all the time. I'm the lonely one here, y'know. It's meeee," Haruka pouts. The puppy eyes are coming back but honestly it wouldn't have mattered any more efforts she tried to make. Aside from hiding my tattoos that any tee shirt could cover, I have no reason to say no. "Speaking of which, I heard you guys only got dessert at Mango Mango last time. Does he even know that you live so closeby?"
I give her a knowing smile and laugh. "Of course not. Why would he get this info so easy when even you struggled for so long?"
"Yeah, I know right. I struggled so much I didn't even get to see this beauty until I put our friendship on the line and forced you to bring me," Haruka's voice is getting slower and she's looking a tad too comfortable so I grab a towel and a change of clothes and drop it on her face.
She wakes up with a start. "Wait wha? What? Eh?"
"Go shower, stupid. Unless you want to go to the office smelling like hotpot tomorrow," I tease.
"Oh right, thanks Julie."
While Haruka washes up, I wash the dishes and leave them to air dry. After my hands are dry, I grab my phone and remember my pager. Checking it, I see that A sent me a ping. Turning on the monster of a computer G built in my room, I make sure to keep track of the sounds coming from the bathroom before opening my private line email. There's also an easily accessible window open with my regular email in case Haruka comes in.
The attachment to Alpha's email is short but it gives me my target. The Incests. I could have gotten that information from the tails I've been noticing everywhere but that would have taken longer and tipped them off.
A sinister smile crosses my face. Looks like the past the two weeks of S' torture she calls training weren't completely in vain. Much sooner than I thought this would take too.
(1) down: willing
(2) hotpot: usually a winter/cold weather meal you have with others because everything cooks in hot soup and is eaten immediately
(3) kotatsu: low Japanese styled table with a heavy quilt and heating source
Chapter 16: Resolve
Haruka gets out and I can hear her walking around looking for me. She's already made it through the other rooms so she sneaks into my room, probably trying to spook me. I've already closed Alpha's information packet and have tetris and my regular email open on the two monitors. Even though I was in incognito mode with other various protections, I cleared all of the cookies.
Throwing Haruka a bone, I start playing a tetris bot match(1) and pretend to be engrossed in it. I can hear her trying to breathe as quietly as possible but I don't react.
"Boo!"
I jump a little in place and mis-drop an L piece, ultimately leading to the end of the run.
"Yooooooo, I had thatttttt. Why'd you have to do thattttttt?" I complain. The scare was fake but the mis-dropped piece was my own shitty skill at the game.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah I know I didn't actually scare you. Don't blame me for being bad at a game you've been playing for so long."
"Nah, nah, nah. If you didn't spook me, I would have cleared at least the next round.
"I wasn't even in the shower for that long. How did you manage to clean everything and get onto your computer to play tetris already?" Haruka asks.
"What can I say? I'm just a legend."
"Pshhh. Sure you are. Go shower yourself. Your hair definitely needs some deep conditioning from the looks of it."
I pick up some of my hair and look in depth to the split ends and drying strands. "Does it really? Aw shit..." I say as if I'm surprised. Washing it every day in Nevada as well as the two times I had to extreme-straighten it did just as much damage as I thought it would. But Haruka doesn't need to know that.
"Yes, now go take care of it sheesh. We still have work tomorrow and for the next 3 days before we can actually go to the spa or something to really take care of it," Haruka insists, slightly more pushy than normal.
I grab my pajamas and turn to leave my room before telling her with a smirk, "You can go ahead and use it but don't go through my porn folders. I don't need you dirtying my room and chair by jacking off."
"Ew, I wouldn't do that. I don't even think we would like the same stuff," Haruka huffs.
"You never know," is all I say before really leaving to shower with a smirk at her indignant expression.
Prior to starting the tetris game, I had put up the firewall to block any sensitive information from easy access. While Haruka wouldn't be able to see any of it just by clicking randomly, if she managed to hack through all the security clearances, maybe she just deserves to know. What Kou said in North Carolina was weakening my resolve to keep them in the dark. Was hiding the truth really protecting them? If they knew everything, I could just get guards on them without question and I could finally stop sneaking around my saviors. They had rescued me in more ways than one and here I was, putting them in danger just by existing.
Sighing, I dipped my head forward and let the water rush over me, blocking out any outside noises. My heart already had plenty to say arguing against the logic of my brain.
Just imagining what could happen to the people around me again made my knees shake. My pupils started to dilate and breathing became difficult.
I needed to get out of the shower ASAP. If I slipped and Haruka saw me, I'd have no way of explaining away anything. There would be no way to convince her that severe burn scars could disappear and huge tattoos reappear in their place. There would be no way to come up with a plausible story that wasn't just more lies that Haruka would see through.
I've noticed how sharp her intuition is over the years. She has definitely questioned what I've told her before but never voiced them out loud.
Attempting to dry myself as efficiently as possible and failing, I sit on the edge of the bathtub. Tears start filling my eyes but I refuse to make any noise. Silently letting the tears flow to the floor, I lament my past choices and mistakes. Are my only two choices to do nothing and let the Insects come for everyone I hold dear and tell them first or to just confess my guilt first? Is there no way to just keep them safe and hidden without just leaving my whole life and being on the run forever?
This time, my logic and emotions both agree. I had already asked both my family and Kou to forgive me in my heart. How much worse could apologizing for one more thing be? Fear creeps into my bones still but I need to strengthen my resolve in order to fulfill my goals. I'm scared of what those people can do to me, to do to the people I hold dear but the soldier in me needs to steel her conscience and just go forth. Surely I will be forced to tell Kou and Haruka the whole truth eventually but first I want to be able to protect myself from any rejection they'll toss my way.
Otherwise, my worst fears are sure to come true and it'll be my fault for letting it all fall apart.
I wash my face and get dressed as soon as the puffiness around my eyes settles. Upon walking out of the bathroom, I hear Haruka quietly muttering under her breath, "I know she's hiding something and I don't want to do this but she'll never tell me on her own. Why can't she just share her burdens with other people for once... And fucking hell why are there so many codes to crack."
(1) bot match: against AI/ computer simulation of another player
Chapter 17: Caught
"I thought I told you not to touch my porn stash."
Haruka jumps and her head spins so quickly, she could have gotten whiplash. "I, uh...."
From my spot leaning against my door, I can see the code source and how far in she got. Given I didn't even know that she knew how to code or hack, I'm impressed she got past the first three walls. I want to give her props (1) but the fact that she managed to hide this from me for so long scares me a little. Have I been that washed up lately? She did take a couple software classes in college but I didn't think they would have taught her enough to get this skilled.
Clearly the inner turmoil shows on my face because Haruka pales. "I, I, I, I'm so sorry. I swear this isn't what you think it is."
I walk over and towering over her my shadow completely envelopes her figure. So many questions spin around my head but I push them aside and just observe her. For someone that expresses her thoughts and emotions so easily, I can't see any falsehood in her face or body language. She knows she's been caught but she doesn't fidget or self soothe by hugging or touching her face to break eye contact. But at the same time, I know that can be trained. What confuses me the most about her reaction is that she's still shaking. There's no defiance or self preservation tactics to ask me for mercy. I want to think I can still trust her but I know exactly just how far people can go to hide the truth.
A smile crosses my features but doesn't reach my eyes. "Mind telling me why you were trying to comb through the one folder I told you not to?"
"Curiousity killed the cat?" she tries to play it off with a joke. The smile on my face gets darker and Haruka starts shaking more. "Uh heh, just kidding," she says looking away now, breaking eye contact for the first time. Taking a deep breath, she starts over staring me dead in the eye, "I know there's something you're hiding deep inside yourself. I know you don't want to tell me but ever since three years ago, you've gotten better at hiding your fears. You're constantly on guard and kind of paranoid. You changed your number and gave all sorts of excuses to never get close to anyone. You even started taking only online classes so you could get your MBA without going to campus. Something happened that time I found you but I can't figure out what without getting to the source. You're entire family died in a freak accident and you got seriously hurt but the pieces don't line up. Your hospital stay was also really oddly short considering you were supposed to be recovering from a fucking explosion that made the entire building burn everyone inside to a crisp."
I give her a pointed stare. "So you've been sneaking around for the past three years to try and figure out what I won't tell you? For all I know, you're just some agent working for someone that's trying to kill me."
"I WOULDN'T COME ALL THE WAY TO THE STATES TO STUDY AND BE INDEPENDENT FROM MY FAMILY TO WORK FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO HURT MY FRIENDS!!!" she screams much louder than I expected. Tears start lining her eyes but she adamantly ignores them to keep staring at me.
"Friends...?"
"Yes! Friends! I've called you my best friend for so long and you still think it's a lie?"
"It just seems too convenient..." my will is weakening. I kind of hoped Haruka would find out eventually but not this soon and definitely not in a way that made me suspect her.
Determination lines Haruka's face as she presses her lips together. "Ask me anything. Whatever is putting you in danger is going to go for the people around you eventually and I don't want to distract you from your real goal."
I think for a moment before asking the most basic questions, "Why did you try so hard to get close to me? What's in it for you?" If she has some kind of shady ulterior motive, her lack of ability to lie should be enough for me to be able to tell. At least I think it is.
"I basically idolized you in the beginning. Before we met 6 years ago, we already had some undergrad classes together. We actually lived in the same dorm hall too even though you had a single to yourself. You were so smart and always helped everyone that was brave enough to ask. You helped me a lot when I was struggling but I don't think you even remember that. When I found out we were going to the same master's program I was so excited that I could finally work up the courage to get closer to you," she pauses and takes a deep breath before continuing. "And then after a year your accident happened... I was going to anyway but someone came to me and told me to not be scared of you. To stay a real friend and not to betray your friendship."
I stop her immediately. "What? Who was it? What did they look like?" The instructions were rather odd but that meant at least one person knew of Haruka as my friend.
"I.. I don't know. They had a hood on. I'm pretty sure it was a guy because of the height and build. Their skin was pretty dark and they wore glasses that looked like the fake ones just for disguises. Not sunglasses though..."
"Hmm... and the coding skills that I somehow never knew about?" I ask without any more malice in my voice.
"You know my brother is the head technician of cyber security at his company right? I took classes in undergrad so I could learn the basics more easily and nii-chan just taught me more when I used to get DDoSed (2). I thought you knew that though..."
I decided to trust her for now so we went to bed because it was getting late. Her story fills out but I still need to talk to G about this new info.
(1) props: compliments/ proper recognition (thank you, Urban Dictionary)
(2) DDoS: distributed denial of service. In video games, e.g. Call of Duty (COD), some players would get salty (upset) if they were losing really hard and DDoS you so that you disconnect and can't play the game
Chapter 18: Are You Serious?!
That night, I didn't sleep much. Or the next night. Or Wednesday night after that. From what I know about Haruka, I couldn't imagine that she did either. I really wanted to tell G about Haruka trying to figure out what's going on but at the same time I was worried about her. She confessed to just trying to be a good friend for an aloof loner and I've been acting as far from a real friend as possible.
I lied to my savior and never stopped lying to her and her brother. At this point in time, my whole life has been a lie since high school when I first started training with Alpha. And each and every lie dug my guilt deeper. I couldn't even see the top of the well anymore but there was still plenty of danger flooding around me at the bottom too.
Over the last three days, I had plenty of time to think about what to do with Haruka. Her story had checked out and there were no inconsistencies. If anything, she had told me way more by blurting out her wishes to come to the states was for independence and to actually make proper, real friends of her own. I knew she was from a well-to-do family in Japan, after all who else would have the money to send their two children to study internationally carrying all name brand goods?
Despite my better judgement, I hadn't gone to G's place for recon. It helped that B had returned from her mission on Tuesday so I could use the excuse that I was leaving them alone for their couple time but there was a limit to how much information I could reap on my own. While the computer G had installed in my room could give me plenty of the information that I needed, Wednesday came and I knew I couldn't put it off anymore. My years of pseudo retirement had severely impaired my reach.
After work, I went straight to B and G's place, making sure to lose any tails that were following me, with an overnight bag that I had packed the night before. The coworkers that had seen it made a huge fuss and speculated that I was suddenly cuffed (1). I saw Haruka make a worried expression and look at me but once we made eye contact, her worried brows knit and she looked away.
Letting myself in, I'm slightly surprised and on guard about the oddly dark and quiet apartment. Slowly stepping forward, I unsheath a dagger hidden in my clothes. There are some faint creaking noises coming from further inside and when I realize where they are coming from, I facepalm with my left hand. I'll just stay out here. They'll notice my presence eventually and come out.
Looking at the time, I decide to see what they have in the kitchen and start cooking. When I'm just about done, the telltale footsteps of them coming out to find the source of the food smell come thudding my way. They look just as disheveled as I expected they would. At least they're having a nice week. Rolling my eyes I tell them to just set the table so we can eat.
"So um G, what do you know about the people that have been around me for the past couple years?" I start.
"Hm? Which people? Do you mean your coworker and her brother? Or the other couple she hangs out with sometimes? You don't have very many friends, y'know," G responds.
"Yeah, the coworker Haruka. Do you know anything about her?"
"She's clean if that's what you're asking. I checked her out when you guys first started getting close and again when she happened to be the one to find you bleeding out. Her family is fucking loaded though," G says, super nonchalantly and is completely ignorant to B's glare at his choice of words.
"Then did you know about the visitor she got when I was still in the hospital? She told me someone went to her in a disguise and refused to leave any information," I ask now that I'm relieved I can stop suspecting the one true friend I have outside of Alphabet.
"Hm? Yeah that was me. What about it? Did she say it was super weird or creepy or something?"
I stare at him. My chopsticks freeze midair. My jaw slowly starts dropping and it's not until G looks back at me with a questioning look that I can force the words out, "Wait... So you're saying... I was worried to shit for the past three days for nothing...? It was you??? Why didn't you ever tell me??" I want to put down my chopsticks and shake him back and forth so bad.
The small shrug and his answer don't make the urge fade at all. If anything, "You didn't ask," is the snapping point that makes me actually grab his shirt and yank it back and forth.
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?? IT WAS FUCKING YOU BEING SUS AS SHIT AND TIPPING HER OFF???"
B had gotten out of her seat and was trying to get me to let go but the deflating frustration doesn't allow my hands to release him until at least two minutes later. Her concern is sweet but the shit grin on G's face makes me want to punch him. He better be happy that we all eat fairly quickly or else he'd be eating the rice directly from his bowl.
"If you're done flaming(2) me for not telling you information you should have found out on your own, I have some real juicy tea(3) for you. B actually found out while she was out," the shit grin doesn't fade and if anything, it gets more and more annoying to look at but active Alphabet agents' information is way too precious to pass up on. I let go of my misdirected anger and take a deep breath.
B nods. "I heard that Alpha told you already that the target on your head is by the Insects finding out the lackeys didn't kill you three years ago. The Insects are actually related to the hit Z and I made over the weekend so Alpha let me come back early. They're making a move tomorrow night if you want to go out for a run."
This time I'm staring at her. Is she serious? Of course I want to go!
(1) cuffed: taken/ in a relationship
(2) flaming: to flame someone is to argue using personal attacks instead of based on the actual argument
(3) tea: information/gossip
Chapter 19: Cockroach (1)
The next day, I walk into work with a spring in my step. After I spot Haruka dragging her feet to her desk looking like she hasn't rested properly in forever, I immediately feel immense guilt over what I did to her. I put my bag down at my desk and quickly as possible and grab her wrist before she can sit down. As I drag the confused person behind me, I can't help the free smile on my face. Of course, this only serves to make her more confused which makes me want to laugh even more. After I find an empty quiet staircase where I'd be able to hear approaching footsteps, it all comes rushing out.
"I'm so sorry for suspecting you. I was wrong for accusing you when you've been nothing but supportive even when I was pushing you away."
"Huh? What? B-b-b-but what about the person who came to me? Isn't that going to be a problem too?" Haruka sputters.
"I found out who it was and I can confidently say that he's not a problem."
"B-but I was still trying to sneak around instead of asking you directly..."
"Well what you said was right. Unless you did something like that, I never would have told you anything. And while I still don't want to, I'll share some at least so you're not completely in the dark."
Haruka's usual glow starts back up and genuine relief washes away the a bit of the past few days of fatigue. She starts tearing up and the raised shoulders and arms across her chest that she had held super tense the entire time finally start to loosen up.
"So... are you still down for a girl's day tomorrow?" I ask with expectation written on my forehead in bold.
"Yeah! Of course I am! Where do you want to meet and what do you want to do?"
"My hair really needs some help so you wanna go get some VIP spa treatment? Then shopping after? I haven't really gotten new clothes in awhile."
"Ooohhhh yesssss," Haruka gushes. Footsteps pass by outside the stair door and we giggle at how oblivious the passerby is. "We better get back to our desks before something thinks we were late or something."
I nod and we walk to our respective desks to start the day.
I can tell she's in a much better mood now and the black cloud has all but disappated. As a friend, I trust her wholeheartedly but as an agent I know I will have to have someone watch her for some time. If she ends up being as clean as I expect, the hire will be there for protection.
--------------
Later that day, I get ready with G to go out. B had told us everything she found out and she was staying back to keep the apartment looking busy in case of any eyes. Plus she just came back so I was glad we all agreed to let her relax.
My long dark hair was tied up in a tight ponytail that I then secured into a bun and netted in case my DNA was getting left behind anywhere. Both G and I were both dressed in all black sneak clothes and light boots that would make less noise. We decided against ear pieces in favor of our old hand signals that couldn't get jammed since we were bringing a jammer ourselves just as a precaution. Our masks were in our pockets to put on after we drove there but the number of knives we needed to bring along had to be fastened into our clothes and hidden before we got there to save time.
By 23:30 we had already arrived at Brooklyn Shipyard, parked the car some ways away and stuck to the shadows until we got closer to where B said they were going to meet up tonight. The raves on the other side of the ship yard were a miscalculation but they would make for a pretty good cover in case the situation went south. The ravers weren't paying much attention to their surroundings anyway. Something about being too cold in their tees and bralettes. My heart was thumping in anticipation causing the excess beats and my nerves to keep me warm or at least oblivious to the unusually cold night.
Before long, we see men coming from opposite directions while slightly sweeping their heads to check for any uninvited guests. Unfortunately for them, we knew how to conceal our presences way better than these noobs knew how to detect us. If they needed to visually notice us, these minions must not be very high up the ladder.
I make eye contact with G who is on top of another building and let him know that I'm going to get in earshot. G gives me a nod after a moment where we both check for any other goons that might show up. He goes towards the left and I go towards the right as we take different routes to the building we saw the men walk into.
Once I get to the roof, I can immediately tell that it is a warehouse that has seen better days. At best, this one was maintained to the bare minimum for use as a meeting spot or some other legal cover. At worst, it hasn't been maintained at all and our weight might give us away at any point.
I find a window that was carelessly left open and slither inside. Managing my body weight as carefully as possible, I dart between the furniture left inside and hide when I hear foot steps approaching. The idiot opens the door and sweeps the room without actually stepping inside. Then when leaving he leaves the door slightly ajar - probably assuming it would close on its own like some of the others, before doing the same to the rest of the rooms on this side of the building.
'Looks like this will be a lot easier than I thought. Great welcome back package for me,' I think to myself. Voices from down below echo slightly so I can hear some of what is being said although some of the sound doesn't quite reach me.
A high pitched voice is talking and it sounds like she's in charge. The shrillness of her voice carries and it's great for information, horrible for my ears.
"This place better be clean. You idiots know exactly how I deal with people that can't do their job right."
"Yes, ma'am."
Well that confirms the female boss theory. Or at least she's higher up than the idiots that I saw coming in. A few minutes later I spot a newcomer from the crack in the doorway. I didn't recognize the woman but I sure do recognize him. The colossal man is known within the South American drug circles for his ruthlessness and the lack of dirt on him. Legally, the government can't punish him because they don't have enough incriminating evidence and every time they do find something, he disappears like smoke even though the cartel continues. His voice doesn't vibrate through the stagnant air as much as hers so I can only be certain of half of their conversation.
"I want her dead and the whole bullshit Alphabet system to be shut down. What do they think they are? Kindergarteners learning how to read? Anyway, she came after my father and would have died for it if his lackeys weren't so incompetent." Rather genius of her to talk shit about the men that she inherited but I guess the Princess Syndrome forgives more when they actually are princesses.
"How.... know..... alive?" he says.
"Because I fucking found her myself, that's how! Well my right hand did but either way I know she survived. That fucking tall ass Asian bitch survived like a cockroach after a bomb."
My blood freezes in my veins. I knew this was related to the Insects in some way but I didn't think I would get led straight to them.