Chapter 31: Fuming
The panel next to my door chimes and a video feed of the hallway shows up. I see Kou but not Haruka.
'Weird.'
It's not like I can think that much about it with cramps that feel like I'm getting sucker punched. With an IUD, my periods are usually controlled to the point of only spotting around the same days each month. But every now and then when I get lulled into a sense of security about the female plague, all of the typical symptoms of suffering hit me like a truck. Discovering the beginnings of a proper period so many days early only gave me more proof that I've been way too stressed out.
"Hey, come on in," I say holding the door open- more like using the door to hold me up. "Where'd Haruka go?"
"She came up with me, gave me this bag and then just dipped without explanation," Kou answers while shaking his head. Looks like he got set up by the schemer too. "Hey, are you okay?"
"Huh? Oh uh yeah. Just kinda light headed." Kou doesn't look convinced but doesn't push the issue. Not too long ago, I would have gone out of my way to make sure Kou didn't come here. Finding Haruka snooping around and the trap last month made me guilty of how much I was hiding from them. "Hope you're hungry, I finished cooking right before you got here."
"I feel bad for not bringing anything. Haruka didn't tell me where we were going… Wait did you throw me off last time just so I wouldn't walk you home?"
Poking my head out from the kitchen, I respond with a sheepish smile, "Uh… guilty? I'm almost done setting the table so just leave your stuff in the second room down the hall to your right."
"Leave? I'm sleeping here?" Kou's head whips around to stare at me in disbelief.
" I was expecting a sleepover anyway so it's fine if you stay."
"'It's fine if I stay?' H-how is this fine? I don't even have anything. Haruka didn't tell me jackshit," Kou sputters, slowly getting more agitated.
"Didn't Haruka pack you a bag? She'll probably lock you out if you try to go back after dinner. Plus you still have work tomorrow so might as well make the most of it. It's not that big of a deal if you stay overnight," I shrug. Kou continues to stare at me like I grew another head but am acting like it's completely normal.
Kou takes a deep breath before speaking again. "Do you have any idea what you're saying? You're okay with my sister setting you up like this?"
"Yeah? I don't see what the problem is." Afterall, Z was coming back soon. "It's not like we're high school children going through puberty." I put down the cleaver I was using to chop the soy sauce chicken and wash my hands thoroughly. Walking until I'm holding up Kou's face by his chin, I tease, "Or were you hoping for us to do something more?"
To my surprise, Kou doesn't even flinch. After a brief moment, he just grabs my hand and stares at me, this time with concern in his eyes. "Maybe but it doesn't matter when you're running a fever."
He puts his hand to my forehead to properly gauge my temperature. The gesture warms my face instead of his. "I think I would know if I was running a fever…" I say while pulling his hand away and looking down. The last person to touch my face like this was S after my first mission during which a bullet got lodged in my hip and almost got infected.
"I'm fine. Let's just eat before it all gets cold and my hard work goes to waste. I'll sleep early if that makes you feel better," I blurt out. I thought the headaches had just been from being dehydrated and having lower blood pressure than normal but a low grade fever isn't entirely impossible. "I'll just check later before bed if I still feel like shit."
Eventually, Kou relents. "... Sometimes I feel like you and Haruka get along so well because of your habits."
I tilt my head sideways. "Habits?"
"Yes. Habits. Namely the aversion to help from others and the natural airheaded tendencies." Kou sighs. "I'll just drop the bag off and see what's in it later. Second room, right?"
I'm still confused but I doubt I'll be getting more of an explanation at the moment. "By the way, the bathroom is the first door," I call out after him. Just to be safe, I chug a glass of room temp water and finish chopping and splitting the chicken. Z will be very pleased with her welcome home present.
Kou comes back washed up in time to finish setting the table with me. While still warm, the side dishes are far from fresh off the stove. Luckily, I just made soy sauce chicken, broccoli, and tomato-tofu-egg mix, and reheated a pot of soup so nothing got particularly overcooked while staying heated.
"Hmm looks like Haruka did tell me something truthful on the way here," Kou suddenly says. My confusion must be evident on my face because he just laughs and continues. "She said we were going to eat really good food with a homey feel. And made sure to remind me several times to pay my compliments to the chef."
Kou's usual resting stoic expression warms as he gently smiles at me. Throughout dinner we talked about small random things and laughed at lame jokes but now he just seems to somehow exude light from within.
Feeling my face and neck flush, I scramble out of my seat and try to start packing the dirty dishes to be washed. Before I can even grab a dish to stack up, my vision blurs and a pressure in my skull thuds to the beat of my heart. Luckily, I only drop my bowl back onto the table to clutch my head. At a speed even the Flash would envy, Kou is suddenly beside me and carrying me princess style like I weigh no more than a feather.
"I-I-I-I'm okay. You don't need to carry me!" I stammer. The world has stopped swimming but now I'm even more flustered than before.
Kou pressed his forehead to mine, never breaking contact with my eyes. "Your fever has risen. Which room is yours and where are your meds?"
Something in his voice makes me shiver. The smile is gone and in its place is a deeply worried frown. "The third room. The last one next to yours…"
Kou's frown somehow deepens even further. "You thought it was a good idea to lend me the room next to yours?"
"Y-y-yes…? I thought it'd be the most comfortable room for you. And my friend is coming back tonight."
"Friend? In this condition?" Kou is practically growling at me now.
"Yeah? She's been staying with me for the past month. Her room is on the left side. I didn't want her to wake you by accident." Z probably wouldn't because silence is a requirement in our field of work but she's been getting pretty comfortable here so it'd be better to be safe than sorry.
By this point, Kou seems to be fuming for some reason. He carried me to my room and transferred my weight to one arm to pull back my covers. How he managed to handle my height and weight so easily is beyond me.
Chapter 32: Expressions (1)
"Where do you keep your meds?" Kou asks again.
"I don't need anything though… I feel… *gasp* fine," I say unconvincingly. My uterus had decided this exact moment was the perfect time to clench.
The gears in my brain slowly start catching up, finally. Before Kou can react, I untuck myself and go to the bathroom. Behind the mirror are the "normal" first aid stuff. The closet by the front door is where my crate is located but it's not necessary for Kou-or anyone outside- to know of its existence.
My vision sways slightly and I don't need Kou to tell me again that I probably *do* have a fever from… something I don't know. I had chugged a ton of water and ate a pretty hearty dinner so I doubt I was light headed from low blood pressure again.
Sheer muscle memory pulls the thermometer and acetaminophen out. I turn the thermometer on and tuck it under my tongue then open the bottle. To my dismay, the bottle is empty and naproxen is probably overkill for what is probably just a 99 degree mild fever. Also not too great for a normie to find out I have enough drugs to rival most pharmacies but I digress.
A beep interrupts my thoughts.
"I don't want to say I told you so but I told you so," Kou says from behind me, his breath flowing over my ear a little too close for comfort. 'God dammit. When did he start moving so quickly?' "101.3 degrees Fahrenheit. What is that? 38 to 39 Celsius? From the look on your face, you were expecting a much more mild temp, right? Will you take something to lower it and go to bed now?"
"Uh, but-"
"I'll clean up dinner. It's the least I can do since you cooked despite not feeling well."
"But-"
"No buts, woman! Just properly take care of yourself for once!" Kou grabs my shoulders and spins me around so our conversation is no longer through the mirror.
There's a certain softness in his eyes beneath the natural sharpness of his face. It's a sweet and tender look that I haven't seen expressed towards me in awhile. Warmth bubbles inside my chest and I start smiling. The warm smile stretches ear to ear but my eyes twinkle with laughter. Kou notices this and gets more agitated.
"What are you laughing at?"
"You. For being silly and stupid enough to keep interrupting me." Kou's brows knit and it just amuses me more. I hold up the bottle and shake it.
3.
2.
1.
Kou facepalms so hard the sound vibrates in the small room. "I'm sorry I kept interrupting you. I'll go get you some meds."
"Hmm? What happened to cleaning up? Also how would you come back in, hmm?" I softly chuckle at his new expression. "Let's just go together after I change."
Three seconds later, my bathroom is back to normal and my door is closed so I can change out of the shorts and tee I wear to sleep and into a light sweater and sweats set.
"Come on, put on your shoes and let's go," I say, ushering Kou back to the front door. I pull out a pair of flats but before I can even put them on, Kou grabs my hand and stops me.
"Grab another sweater or jacket first. It's chilly out tonight," Kou deadpans.
Not willing to waste more time teasing him again, I just grab the nearest hanging hoodie and throw it on. I zip it about halfway when I notice Kou looking at me kinda funny. He doesn't say anything but there is confusion and a lot of calculating going on behind those black eyes. I'm tempted to ask but when I look down at the hoodie, it hits me like a ton of bricks. This is the exact hoodie that I wore to the airport when I was going to Alphabet HQ camp. 'Shit.'
Pretending that I don't notice his expression, I slip on my flats and open the door to leave. I hadn't locked the internal systems when Kou showed up so the automatic padlock doesn't make any extra sounds when it locks.
Kou still has a conflicted expression on his face so I shove my phone and wallet into my pockets and lace my fingers through his. The confusion melts into surprise and I just smile wide and drag him forward.
"Come on. Fever isn't going to lower itself~," I tease.
After stumbling forward a few steps, his long strides catch Kou right up to me in the blink of an eye. With a smirk, Kou matches my pace and we wait for the elevator. Standing side by side in an easy silence.
The smirk caught me by surprise. I will myself not to blush but feel my cheeks warm anyway. My fingers threaded through his cold ones feel soothing… or comforting? I'm not entirely sure but I guess it's not a feeling that I hate.
Walking out of the lobby together, Kou finally speaks up. "Are you sure you should be going outside? Shouldn't you just go to bed already?" The concern is back and I'm a little irked by how I feel about it.
I hold my other hand up to his mouth to stop any further arguments. "How are you going to get back in? You might be able to get past the attendants but you wouldn't be able to unlock my door without me getting out of bed again. Also, the night air feels good. Also, also, I need to restock on snackies."
-----------
"Why is 90% of the basket snacks that you shouldn't be eating while sick…"
"Because I'm out and I want to!" I joke. "Hurry up or let go of my hand. You're taking too long." Kou didn't let go despite this being the third time I hinted at it. Maybe holding hands to distract him was a bad idea.
"But this? Sunchips? Wheat Thins? Takis? The only even remotely healthy thing here are the madeleines and those are full of sugar!" Kou exclaims.
I can't really stop him from judging since he's carrying the basket for me but shopping after so long without junk food is filling me with pure unadulterated bliss. Regret over not getting Asian snacks from Chinatown or Hmart are the only wet blankets on my joy right now.
I ignore him and try to skip ahead to the refrigerators in the last aisle. "Hmm speaking of madeleines, I missed the milk." Naturally, Kou is still holding my hand so I don't get very far before he pulls me back.
"Stop rushing so much. You're going to raise your temp." Annddddd there's the frown again.
"What happened to bouncing in and out of here quickly?" I frown back. "I'm just getting milk then I'm done, sheesh." With a quick tug, Kou starts walking forward again.
Chapter 33: Expressions (2)
"Okay, actually I lied. I want ice cream sandwiches too."
Kou doesn't say anything but give me some side eye and silently judge. I can tell he's trying really hard not to hold me back. Of course the trip to grab milk wasn't without distractions and the basket was now filled to the brim with all the snacks I could possibly ever want.
Kou's reaction is cute and just makes me want to make fun of him more but for the past 10 minutes walking straight has been getting harder and harder. Aside from the periodic cramp seizures, my overall will to stay vertical was fading.
Two boxes of cookie and vanilla ice cream sandwiches later, we walk to the self checkout stations and I detach the folded bag from my wallet.
Kou seems skeptical. "Is that even going to fit everything?"
"Mad Tetris skills, child. Of course it will. Except the milk probably," I respond with a chuckle.
I would have laughed harder but the stars swimming in my vision put a stop to that real quick. Steadying myself on the station, I press my other hand to my forehead covering my eyes while waiting for it to pass.
"Are you feeling alright?" Kou asks. I warily look up at his concerned eyes. Somewhere in my subconscious, I register the reassuring hand at my waist.
'Ah… he's knitting his brows again…'
Seeing my tired expression reflected in his black eyes, I feel trapped. The blue rings around his irises fascinate me for the first time. I had always known that the Igawa siblings were exceptionally hot but looking at them never disoriented me to this extent. Must be a waking fever dream.
The self checkout machine beeps me out of my stupor.
"Yeah, I'm okay. Just got kinda dizzy for a sec," I answer nonchalantly. I resume scanning items and carefully stacking them in my now unfolded tote. As expected of the IRL Tetris skills I had just gloated about, all of my snacks fit snugly inside the bag with my newly acquired cold and fever drugs on top. Obviously, I have to tease him for questioning my skills. "Now, are you ever going to doubt me again, sir?" I tease.
"Of course not, ma'am. Let's go before you start falling over for real," Kou answers, rather aloofly. At least he's joking with me back, I guess.
I grab the milk gallon and Kou takes the tote, his other hand never leaving the small of my back, always supporting me. The logical side of me says the wise thing to do is to get him to stop since we are out in public. Some irrational thought makes me like the warmth his hand gives me. That there's a chance that I can actually have people special to me and it won't end terribly. I don't move away from this fantasy.
It's not until we're at my apartment door and I punched in the 30 digit code that the hand disappears. The cool breeze that replaces it makes me shiver. I'm suddenly uncomfortable with how much I've been enjoying the pampering Kou has showered on me tonight.
There's a million and one reasons why I haven't been interested in close relationships before and I'll need to remind myself of them ASAP. A month of being benched after getting back into gear and nothing happening was lulling me into a false sense of security. This delusion was going to hurt people again. I was never going to be able to have what B and G have.
The sooner I got that fact through my head, the better everyone's life would be. I hadn't been strong enough before and I certainly wasn't in any better of a spot now.
In all honesty, I'd be better off disappearing completely. Without contact with other people, I wouldn't be able to make relationships that put everyone involved at risk. What's stopping me from just --- I promised. That's what's stopping me.
To keep the dark thoughts at bay, I quickly sort through the bag into what needs to go into the freezer, fridge, pantry and what I want to take to work. Keeping my hands busy while Kou washes dishes prevents my head from going in too many circles.
Between work and Alphabet, I have plenty on my plate as is. Which is another decision I will need to make soon. There's no real reason for me to work a regular desk job aside from filling my free time. But with underworld secrets bubbling up to the surface, separating the two can only last so long. I have no idea when Rey and Izzy will reappear. In fact, I don't even know what Rey meant by wanting me. I'm hardly an ideal soldier by any standards. Pretty sure Alphabet wouldn't even want me anymore if I didn't already have ties to them.
"What are you thinking about?" The seemingly random question pops me out of my thoughts.
"Huh?"
"What were you thinking about? You had a really dark look on your face. And you didn't respond the first time I asked if you wanted a bowl."
"Huh? A bowl?"
"Yeah. For the madeleines that you're holding." Kou points down with his chin since his hands are still soapy and wet. "I know we ate not too long ago but dessert before medicine doesn't hurt, you know."
I look down to my hands and see the box of madeleines Kou was referring to.
"Oh. Uh, yeah. Thanks." Kou hands me a newly washed bowl that I fill with milk and place in the microwave to warm up some.
"Not going to heat it up on the stove?"
"Nah, extra dishes," I answer.
While waiting, I bring the medicine bottle and box of madeleines to the kotatsu and go back to the kitchen to wait. I feel rude for letting Kou wash dishes but watching him insist and even just be in my kitchen looks right. Almost like he belongs--- nope, not today.
As soon as the microwave stops, I grab a hand towel and take the heated bowl to the kotatsu that I turned off before we left. I'm snuggled in but I'm sure my face shows my inner turmoil.
Chapter 34: Cutie
"Penny for your thoughts?" Kou asks.
I move my arms off my face and stare at him. "What time is it?"
"Just about 12. How are you feeling?"
"Still so early, huh…"
"I'd hardly call midnight on a Wednesday, 'early'," Kou muses.
'I would. Especially after 3 weeks of investigating and tracking down a certain pair of underground criminals while still working 9 to 5.'
"What can I say, I'm a night owl," I reply with a weak wink.
"Yeah, a night owl that's been spending too much time entertaining an uninvited guest instead of resting like she should."
Kou opens the box of madeleines and dips one into the bowl of milk. Before it gets too soggy, he wipes some of the excess moisture and dangles it over my face. I can see the milk droplets threatening to rain down on me so I quickly prop myself up on my elbow and take a healthy bite straight out of his fingers. I chew, swallow the bite and lay back down.
"Don't patronize me," I pout.
Kou sees me not having any intention of eating the other half and instead eats it himself. Some younger, more innocent part of me can't help but giggle. I reach up and grab the sticky hand to hold next to my closed eyes. "Indirect kiss… hehe."
My high school years were filled with physical relationships but the feeling of belonging didn't start to stick until I ended up in Alphabet. There wasn't a phase when I was a blushing, innocent virgin. At least not that I can remember.
I feel him stiffen up for a moment so short I almost think I imagined it. Although my eyes are still closed, his hands are cool against my face and they help me relax. The non sticky hand caresses my cheek. The cut had fully healed but there was a very faint line that marked where the wound was.
"I'm glad you healed well, Juliet," Kou whispers. The mutter that follows is much lower, "And that you're not avoiding me. Thank you for protecting us."
"Mhmm," is my only response. I had wanted to enjoy dessert and chat more but my body just wasn't cooperating.
"Hey, now. You have to take your meds first and go to bed. Don't fall asleep here," Kou admonishes.
When I make no efforts of my own to sit up, he forces me up into a sitting position. Unable to support my own weight, Kou sits behind me and leans me into his chest. With the patience of a saint, Kou makes sure I swallow some Nyquil despite my sleepy protests. I can barely register any of my senses but the lovely warmth radiating off Kou's chest makes me feel even more lethargic.
---------------------------
Everything is dark. Quite oddly so. 'Why are my blinds open?'
Instinctively, I force myself in hopes to get ready for work in time. "Rea, what time---"
"You have a home AI system?"
My head 180s towards the voice at a speed that gives me whiplash. The room spins and keeps spinning for a couple seconds after.
"Sis, what'd ya say?" Rea responds to my incomplete question.
My fever had broken… or so I thought. "Nevermind, Rea. Why are you still here?"
A cool hand crosses my vision and lands on my forehead. His left head mirrors it on his own.
"Feels like your fever lowered a bit but put this under your tongue to make sure."
The metal tip of a thermometer waves in front of my face until I open my mouth. Seeing my compliance, he pats the top of my messy hair. After a couple seconds, the thermometer beeps and reveals 99.2 degrees F.
"It's lowered a bit but it might rise again. Do you need help washing up? You looked like you got hit with a dizzy spell before."
"I'm fine. Thanks, though."
Kou finally steps back away from my bed and I walk past him to the bathroom. Passing an open window, I notice the waning remnants of the sunset.
'Neither of us answered each other's question. I hope he at least told Haruka I was sick if he turned off my alarms.'
Having sweat out most of my fever, a thin sheen of oil stuck my shirt to my back. A cooling shower later, I get hit with a realization. Well, more than one.
I was on my period and despite the bleeding being light as usual, the cold shower was going to make me regret my life.
I didn't bring a change of clothes with me when I came in.
Kou was still outside and my hair was wet. Which made it straight.
Also related to Kou being outside. My shoulder, back and chest are tatted which he would definitely recognize.
I could possibly attempt to hide my left side but that doesn't guarantee that Kou won't notice my right side. Plus both siblings are obnoxiously observant so biting the bullet is my preferred poison (1).
"Hey, Kou?" I call out through the cracked door. "Do me a favor?"
"Yeah, what's up?" Kou's response bounces from the kitchen.
I picture my room in my head and think about where he'd have the lowest likelihood of finding something less than savory. It's not like I've had much to leave laying around but the self defense gear still exists in various forms.
"Can you grab me a tee from… the first drawer under my bed? A pair of shorts should be in the next drawer over too." WCS (2) he'll open the wrong drawer and see my underwear collection; no biggy.
A minute and three drawer slams later, my teeth are starting to chatter but my hair is no longer dripping down my back and Kou finally knocks on the bathroom door. I poke my head out so I can see through the opening where he holds out my change of clothes. Kou refuses to meet my eyes which just makes the blush on his ears more prominent.
"Thanks, cutie," I snicker.
Without missing a beat, Kou looks up and retorts, "I would say 'back acha' but I wouldn't attach such a word to any owner of that drawer."
"Why so serious? Or is it your way of holding onto the evanescent(3) image? I'm sure you've seen Haruka's before, by accident or otherwise," I reply with a wink. I quickly put on the t-shirt and sweats that Kou found. If this was his reaction from unintentionally looking at the contents of the drawer, I'm glad I had a set of underwear that I had hand washed last time I showered.
The moment I fully open the bathroom door, blasts of yummy smells assaults my senses. I had assumed I was just going to be getting the plain congee(4) special again so the spread was a very pleasant surprise. The obligatory congee was in my bowl but there was so much more than I was expecting. From steamed tilapia with pickled vegetables to boiled cabbage, the entire kotatsu was filled with foods that I usually crave on my period but also hydrating foods for my cold.
I quickly take a seat and fold my legs under the kotatsu that I notice was turned off but still warm underneath. "Ooh, I don't know what I did to deserve this royal treatment but I'm likin' it a lot."
"So stop teasing me just because you can. Otherwise I'll just leave you to suffer on your own when Haruka decides to set me up again." Kou says, walking in with a reheated pot of my leftover soup. "And for the record, I have never seen, nor do I ever want to see Haruka's toys. Now eat before I change my mind about feeding you."
my preferred poison: reference to "Pick your poison"
WCS: Worst Case Scenario
Evanescent: fleeting, fading away
Congee: rice porridge
Chapter 35: Alone
I wanted to eat more, I really did… half a bowl of congee later and I was already bloated. The bowl of soup went down my throat and I felt like a balloon. Just looking at the full spread going to waste was enough to make my nauseous insides feel regret.
"You don't have to force yourself to finish it all now. I can put it in the fridge for you to reheat later, y'know."
*Sigh* "I guess you're right," I put my chopsticks down and resign to my fate. Looks like my will lost to my genes this time.
"Take some ibuprofen before going back to sleep," Kou says, holding a large pill in my face.
"Do I have a choice?"
"No, take it and finish your water."
Seeing that he won't be satisfied until I do as he says, I swallow the pill and chug my glass. I start stacking bowls to clean the table but Kou stops me and grabs my hands. I look up but his expression doesn't give anything away besides the tugging motion for me to stand up.
"Go back to bed. Your fever lowered a lot but you started getting flushed while eating. I'll bring you a wet washcloth in a bit."
Despite knowing he has a point, having been asleep for so long, I don't want to go back to bed just yet. "Do I have an option B?"
Kou's eyes narrow at me as he tugs on my hands a little harder. By now my legs are barely still covered by the blanket and the sudden slight change in temperature is enough to make a shiver shake my spine.
"No. You can walk to bed yourself or I'll force you there. If anything, I know where your rope is now."
There's a dark shimmer deep within his black eyes that I can't quite tell is a result of being playful, threatening or horny. Deciding I'm bored, I choose to play with fire.
"Hmm? I thought you didn't look around the contents of that drawer? Or did curiosity get to you before you- woah!"
Before I know it, I've been picked up and am being princess carried.
"Not sure who would have been able to miss the giant loops of rope just sitting on top of everything else but whatever you say, missy." Kou carefully lowers me into my somehow newly changed sheets and tucks me in. "If you're still awake when I finish cleaning up, we can chat until you get tired."
"Hm… You know, you know your way around my place awfully well for someone that hasn't been here before last night…"
With the dark simmering stare back on me, I wonder if I asked something I shouldn't have but then Kou smirks.
"I had a lot of time to explore after you finally let go of me last night. Also, is the kitchen set up on purpose?"
My head tilts to the side slightly. "Kitchen?"
"Yeah, it's the same set up as our house. Your fridge and cabinets are even organized the same way."
I think for a moment and try to recall an image of the Igawa house. The more I think about it, the weirder it makes me feel. 'Did I do that subconsciously?'
Kou's cold hand over my eyes interrupts my thoughts. "Stop thinking so much. I didn't ask you that to make the gears in your head start creaking."
Seconds later, Kou hands me my angry shiba plushie and a hot water bag. "Hold onto these until I get back. Do at least try to stay in bed."
------------------
"I know you're still awake. You don't have to fake it if you're really not that tired."
My eyes peek open just a little to spy Kou when he sits on the side of my bed out of the corner of my eye. He tucked me in really well so getting up is kind of a pain. Looking at him from this angle isn't that bad though.
"How'd you know?"
"I have a Haruka. You are better than she is at faking it though."
I flip over onto my other shoulder to face him, still holding my shiba plushie, Jebbie, to my chest and leaning the hot water bag against my stomach.
"You look tired. Have you slept at all while taking care of me?"
Kou doesn't respond. The haggard look on his face doesn't change at all. His panda eyes nearly drill a path on my face where they continuously shift around. However, the tips of his ears flush slightly.
"I know my desk chair is comfortable and all but there are plenty of beds here, y'know. I would have unlocked the stairs going upstairs if you didn't want to sleep near me. No one is up there at the moment."
In a flash, Kou's eyes narrow and his brows crinkle like a river (1). "And leave you alone? You know I wouldn't do that to you."
"But why…"
"I'm sure you know how I feel, even if you weren't sick."
"But… you're not safe around me… no one is," I manage to force out in a quiet whisper.
The burden of my own reality weighs heavily on my conscience. Vague memories rush forward without warning, sharpening until the pain becomes acute. My focus begins waning and if I wasn't already curled up in a ball, I would be now. I bring my hands to my head, making a futile attempt to prevent myself from remembering the worst night of my life for the umpteenth time.
Despite my efforts, I feel the heat of the flames licking around my body. Voices… I pick up on voices that sound familiar but not in the way that I have always wanted. The voices that I had been yearning to hear again only return to me as screams; telling me to run away, not look back, live my life to the max and experience what the world has to offer in full.
'No… please stop… Eomma(2) come back… We can still leave here together! Don't make me leave by myself! Eomma, jebal-yo(3)!!'
Her last words barely made it to my ears. The only words that weren't screamed that night. 'aegi-ya(4), it's too late for me. I won't be able to make it out even if you carried me. I've lived long enough. Live on for your siblings. Don't get burdened by us. Go!'
She pushed me then. Forced me to leave my whole family behind after causing their deaths. However, I wasn't driven into the cold winds outside the burning building. Instead I was back in my bed and being held, tightly, as if I could disappear at any time.
"It's okay, Juliet. You're not alone anymore."
Like a river: the Japanese character for "river" looks like 3 vertical lines
eomma: Korean for mom
eomma jebal-yo: Korean for please
aegi-ya: Korean for baby
Chapter 36: Rollercoaster
My vision slowly returned to normal as the flashback cleared. The hands that were clutching my head slowly touch my pale, wet cheeks. Despite feeling like I was just ablaze, my clammy hands are freezing and trembling. Although normal brain function seemed to be taking forever to return, my lungs did begin to operate as usual, albeit at a snail's pace.
At some point Kou had come closer and pulled me up, blanket and all, into his arms. He squeezes me a little tighter before repeating his words in my ear again like a mantra.
I push away from his chest and slowly raise my tear stained face to look at his shadowed one. Racing through my head are a million and one things I want to say but have no way of articulating. Even though G and a number of others have found me passed out or as a nervous wreck a number of times before, being found out by Kou makes my heart palpitate louder in my ears. Embarrassed, I break eye contact with Kou and force myself to look down.
With a slight thump, Kou knocks into my forehead with his own. "If you're capable of being embarrassed, I guess you're back with me," he says with a sigh. "How long have you been having panic attacks?"
Our eyes are no longer meeting but I still feel the need to turn away. I want to sneak out of his arms but something about the grasp on my waist holds me still.
"It's fine. I'll be fine. I am fine."
Kou pauses, furrows his brows for a moment, then backs away. At that, I released the breath I didn't know I was holding.
Less than a second later, I feel his lips on my forehead where his own was just a minute ago. I flinch and my spine straightens like stacking legos. My eyes dart up to meet his exhausted, black irises.
A gentle smirk crawls across his slim face, fueling the blush that travels up my neck to my face.
"Seems to me that you're trying to convince yourself more than me," Kou muses. "Nothing wrong with that but you should probably know that I'm not buying it."
"I-I-I-I-I-I… don't know what you're talking about."
'Damn these overly observant siblings!'
Kou's smirk widens into a full shit grin. "Don't think too hard, Juliet. You'll overwork the hamster in your head and raise your fever again," he says, gently poking my forehead. "I know you prefer to act now and think later but you need to cherish your body a bit better."
Hearing his words clears the fog in my thoughts slightly.
'Good luck saving Romeo.'
The sentence taunts my memories and makes my blood run cold. Even though I managed to get everyone away safely(ish) last time, the bitchy princess, Rey and Izzy were still out there. As long as they still had free reign, no one would be safe.
Revenge is not a pretty picture and the cycle would never end. I clench my hands in my lap, digging little crescents into my palms.
I had taken down the Insects' leader in a fit of rage as soon as I recovered and now the princess was coming after me. I don't matter but the people I am close to are not only mine. If I let the important people in my life get hurt because of me, again, what's the point in even being alive? If I could do more to actually be helpful in this cruel world, protecting this shitty body would be a pointless endeavor.
My response is curt and cold. "You wouldn't understand."
However, hospitals suck so I guess I should work harder. Prevention is better than treatment, right?
I make moves to get off my bed to wash my face so I can go back to sleep and avoid where this conversation is going. Yet, Kou stays in my way, refusing to move. The laughter in his eyes completely disappeared with my three words.
"Then explain it in a way that I can understand. I want to understand you. I've known you for three years and it still feels like there's a glass wall you never let anyone past. Why do you have such a sad glint in your eyes no matter what you're doing?"
Kou reaches out and touches my slightly wavy hair. The action feels incredibly careful as if he is making a massive effort to restrain himself.
"You don't know what you're asking," I snap at Kou. "You don't know anything." I want to glare at him and drive the point home but I know I don't have the will to push him further away like that. Tears fill my eyes again but this time I'm aware of their existence and cause.
"The less you know, the safer you are…," I blurt out.
Kou stops the hand traveling to wipe the runaway stream and instead brushes his thumb along my cheek. Watching him confine both of my hands inside of his palms, I can feel his fingers tremble slightly against my wrists.
"Ignorance isn't bliss for me. Not when your burden is like this," Kou whispers quietly. "Let me share the weight. Please. Even if I can't help you physically, at least let me support you mentally. I thought I could have continued to see you as Haruka's best friend forever but I can't. I never want to see you in the same pain again.."
"..."
"Please Juliet, talk to me. I know Haruka's been really worried too. Don't keep pushing other people out. I'm begging you," Kou pleads. His shoulders have slumped over and he stares at our hands, continuously rubbing nervous circles with his thumbs.
"... I can't promise you anything. If you really needed to know, you could have just found out on your own. I would rather you didn't but I can't stop you from trying."
"I want to hear it from you. What is plaguing you and weighing you down. I want to find out from you."
All I can do is stare at this overly honest and perceptive man in front of me. If he had attempted to find out on his own the same way Haruka tried, I would have suspected him too if B didn't flame me about treating them right.
Truth is, I kind of wanted to tell them. I've wanted to tell them since they accidentally got involved three years ago.
If only I knew the words to do so.
Chapter 37: Choke
Even after staring at Kou for a full two minutes, I can't think of how to answer him. He's right about more than just one point. The more I stare at his gorgeous face, remember how he got knocked out and the damage that littered his body, the more my heart hurts.
"I-I'll think about it… But I need to pee and my head hurts so I wanna go back to sleep. You look like you need more sleep than I do at this point." I know exactly how I should answer him but I don't know if I am ready to yet. So, I dodge it and use my sickness as a shield.
Kou definitely knows what I'm doing; I know it, he knows it but neither of us directly address it. He begrudgingly moves out of the way so I can swing my legs around and go to the bathroom. On my way out, I picked up the basin of water Kou was using to cool my fever.
As expected, Kou tries to stop me. "I got it, just hurry up and go."
"It's literally the same place," I state, slightly annoyed. "I'm not incapable of taking care of myself." Before he can retort, I leave the room, basin and all.
I thoroughly wash my face until most traces of the attack go down the drain. The swelling and puffiness stubbornly sticks but sleep *should* solve that.
When I walk back into my room with a fresh basin of cool water and a new washcloth, Kou is still sitting on my bed exactly where I left him. Even when I wave my hands in front of his face, there is no reaction.
Clap!
"W-wha? H-huh? Oh, you're back," Kou stuttered.
As annoyed as our previous conversation left me, I couldn't help but smile at how wholesome this man is. I grab his hands and drag him to the bathroom.
"Wash up and go to sleep. You already finished cleaning so no excuses. If you're worried, then sleep with me. My bed is plenty big enough."
"Uh...but…"
"Ah, ah, ah! Shut it. You look more like a panda than your sister used to during finals."
Leaving no room for debate, I leave Kou in the bathroom and go back to my room. The hot water bag had cooled considerably but my cramps didn't bother me that much so I moved it to my bedside table and climbed into my still warm bed. Without a second thought, I curl up and go to sleep.
--------
When I finally wake up, I'm warm and snuggled up against Kou. If our current position is any indicator, Kou tried to keep some space between us but finally gave in in the end. The meme of 85% of the bed being "hers" is exactly what happened and it amuses me to no end.
I try to detangle my limbs from Kou's but apparently he subconsciously got used to the warmth and chased after me in his sleep. With his arms glomped over my torso, I don't have many options as to where to go. After holding still for a couple seconds, I make a second attempt to get up when I hear Kou murmur in my ear.
"Stop running away. Why won't you let me stay with you?"
The sugar sweet words prick my conscience and I choke on the threatening tears. I raise my hand to his face and lightly drag my fingertips across. It's not until I have traced most of his facial features that I answer his question with my own.
"Babo-ya(1), will you only be happy if I drag you down to my reality? Why can't you be satisfied with not knowing about the rest of the world?"
A tear escapes and makes its getaway across the bridge of my nose. Before I can convince myself it's a bad idea, I raise my face and my lips tentatively meet his.
"Then again, I'm probably the real idiot for not being able to kick you to the curb for real."
I noticed Kou's eyebrows started twitching and his eyes started swimming under his eyelids so I quickly wiped my face and slid out of bed. He looks lonely with his arms out holding nothing so I grab Jebbie and tuck him in where I just was.
It's not until I've left my room completely that I stretch and feel half the joints in my body pop. The weighted feeling on my body from my fever has all but disappeared, leaving me refreshed and ready for a new day.
In the bathroom, I'm brushing my teeth when Z walks in without knocking. I knew she was there but the look on her face makes my skin crawl.
"Sooooo… when were you going to tell me that I should find a new place to stay?" she whispers with a lonely look in her eyes. There's a bowl of soy sauce chicken in her hands but it doesn't look like she's ready to eat yet.
"Ay wosn't. *Pleh* I wasn't. My friend set me up when she asked to come over and sent her brother instead," I answered. Not going to lie, I forgot Z was supposed to have come back yesterday. "How'd everything go with the cringe couple?"
Z considerably brightens but still chooses to completely dodge my question. "You mean Haruka, right? So the guy in your bed is the guy I dragged out of the building last time? Damn, I thought he was really cute too. Shame he's taken."
Good thing I had finished rinsing my mouth already or else I would have choked on the leftover toothpaste. My eyes, on the other hand, were not so fortunate. I was using face wash and accidentally got some into my eyes.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, it stings like a bitch." The string of curses flow from my mouth as I speed through washing the suds away and pour as much water as I can to quell the burning sensation.
"Is he not taken or something? Since you guys were sleeping together I just assumed… and he even took care of you all of yesterday. I'll forgive you for forgetting I was here if you tell me the truth, J," Z says, trying to bait me. "Or just give me his number. That works too if you don't want to tell me about him yourself."
"First of all, don't call me that. Second of all, you're still a kid, stop eyeing adults like a fucking wolf in heat. Third of all, just eat your food already. I made it especially for you even though I was starting to get sick. Don't think you have free reign just because you've been here for a month and I haven't started lecturing you yet," I chide. While I personally don't want more people to care about for fear of a repeated past, there's no reason why I should stop Z from looking around. Except for Kou. Kou is still off limits even if I can't take his affections for myself.
"What about Haruka then? What's she like? I only know what she's like when she's worried, even though she's still cute taking care of her brother," Z continues, entirely letting her mind go wherever it wants.
"What the fuck, leave my friends alone. Go find more friends in your own generation and stop chasing after people almost double your age!" I flame, although because I was getting swept up in her pace, I add, "Plus I'm pretty sure Haruka isn't interested in looking for anyone at the moment."
"What about my sister?" Kou had gotten up at some point while we were talking and was standing outside the bathroom, listening in since who knows when.
This time it's Z's turn to flinch.
babo-ya: intimate/informal way of saying idiot, stupid or fool in Korean (context matters but the meaning generally doesn't change)
Chapter 38: Kou's POV: Trolls. Trolls Everywhere. (1)
'She's fucking trolling me. There's no way she can do any of this and think it's fine.'
After Haruka trolled the shit outta me and basically kicked me out of my own house, I wasn't really all that mad. If anything, I would have given her a high five for creating a situation that forced Juliet to talk.
Is what I thought before I realized Juliet was in no condition to be entertaining us fools. Despite having a rising fever and what I quickly figured out to be period cramps, she cooked dinner and tried her best to stay conscious enough to accommodate my presence.
Although my blood pressure spiked a little when Juliet said she had a long term guest who slept in the farthest room from hers, I stopped seeing red when Juliet said "she". In an attempt to reign in the ugly green monster within, I went to the bathroom to wash up to eat.
As much as I expected as much, I've never been to Juliet's place before and sharing a single bathroom both surprised and bothered me. Surprised because she was so nonchalant about the situation and bothered because she was so nonchalant about the situation. Bothered even more so by her air-dry hanging underwear. I want to bang my head on the wall but I have a feeling Juliet would hear and I would never live the embarrassment down if she didn't care. Which, from what she said, it seems like she doesn't see me as more than her best friend's brother.
Her cooking is just as delicious as it looks, simple but full of flavor. However, I can't fully enjoy it while watching her breathing get more and more labored. My eyes never leave her so I notice her near faint before she does. The built up tension in my body springs me to her side.
'What is she so concerned about that she doesn't even realize the state that she's in?'
I wish she would just rest already. Before I knew how bad she's been, I wanted nothing more than to just talk to her. The past three years of being friends should mean something when it comes to being honest with each other, right? If only I could answer that in a clear cut way.
Trying to get Juliet to go and stay in bed failed miserably but why are we walking through the pharmacy taking our time buying snacks instead of just getting a fever reducer and leaving? Why is she bouncing around like she doesn't have over 100 degree fever? What is she usually so stressed about that her resting face is still not resting? Why is she so cute when she finally gets out of her head?
While a million and more questions coursed through my head and, as usual, not out loud, Juliet had filled the basket with bags and boxes of glorified salt and sugar. If I had a free hand, I'd be facepalming so hard right now but Juliet might flip shit if I let go of the basket and there's no way in hell I'm letting go of her tiny, slightly calloused hand no matter how many times she mentions it.
Watching Juliet act like Haruka without any inhibitions pours fuel on the affections I already have for her. Originally I thought I cared about her presence because she was my sister's friend and was around a lot. However, I soon realized that I wanted to know more about her and what made her tick. The final nail in the coffin was how she never hesitated to smile and treat me normally despite my lack of eloquence. It wasn't until last year that I realized the well hidden despair in her eyes. I was determined to find out the reasons for it, or at least as much as Juliet would allow.
Through her hand, I can feel her temperature subtly rising from how much she's starting to sweat. It doesn't seem like she notices since she's so tunneled on the refrigerators in front of us. I'm glad I forced another sweater onto her because even I get chills from being here.
When we finally get to the check out machine, Juliet's innocent laugh is so mesmerizing until I see the exact moment she starts to deviate from her usual impeccable posture. She catches herself with the checkout station but I take no chances and support her anyway.
I'm glad I had already put down the basket because even though I instinctively let go of her hand to hold her upright, I would definitely have dropped everything. In the moment it would have been fine but the second she noticed, I might go deaf in one ear. Never mess with a woman's snacks unless you're ready to lose a limb for it.
Holding her waist brings Juliet closer to me and I can feel the physical effect her close proximity has on me. I stare at her faint freckles and hold back the urge to kiss them. The world feels like it melts away until the damn self checkout station beeps.
I immediately look down at Juliet's unfolded tote bag and the stacks of snacks and attempt to distract myself by trying to figure out how she's going to stack everything and make it all fit. Naturally, I don't have her "Mad Tetris skills" so I'm highly impressed and confused as to how she managed to pull off such a feat. At least now we can finally leave.
Going back to Juliet's enormous condo should have allowed me to relax a little. However, the instant we return, Juliet walks out from my reach, causing the spot where my hand was on her back to fill with cool air and my arm to feel a sense of longing. I wish I could reach out and pull her into my arms. Instead, I flex my hand and try to remember her warmth.
Mere seconds later, Juliet comes back to the kitchen wearing what she originally welcomed me in, short shorts and an oversized tee shirt that basically covers the shorts. The worst part is, the hoodies could hide the fact but a tee shirt can't cover up the lack of a bra no matter how oversized it is.
'You've got to be kidding me… As if holding her for less than a minute wasn't bad enough already.'
Back home, Haruka must be so proud of herself and laughing hysterically.
Chapter 39: Kou's POV: Trolls. Trolls Everywhere. (2)
Once again, I have no idea how to address the situation. Is she doing this on purpose or is she just that dense that she doesn't realize what she's doing? Of course, there still is the third option where she knows and doesn't care about what she's doing.
I really hope it's the second one as a result of the combination between being sick and on her period.
True to my word, I put down Juliet's magical tote bag of snacks and started washing the dishes in the sink. Earlier, while Juliet was getting changed, I had stacked the dishes and filled them with water to soak so the oils and food scraps came off easily.
What was significantly harder was trying not to stare at the vixen flitting around the kitchen. I could tell her concentration and energy levels were waning because of the periodic pauses where she'd get lost in thought despite sorting the various containers at an already slow pace. Every time she stopped, a dark cloud would pass over her head.
Finally, only madeleines remain in her hands while Juliet stares off into space.
"What are you thinking about?" I ask for the third time. At least this time it seems like she heard me.
"Huh?"
"What were you thinking about? You had a really dark look on your face. And you didn't respond the first time I asked if you wanted a bowl," I say, casually lying about offering her a bowl. I turn back to the sink and pretend I don't notice her skipping my original question but the desire to know the cause makes my throat itch.
Luckily, she didn't realize. "Huh? A bowl?"
"Yeah. For the madeleines you're holding. I know we ate not too long ago but dessert before medicines don't hurt, you know." She must have been really deep in thought if she didn't realize she was done sorting and only her favorite guilty pleasure was left.
"Oh. Uh, yeah. Thanks," she finally says, taking the outstretched bowl to fill with milk and place in the microwave.
"Not going to heat it up on the stove?"
"Nah, extra dishes," she answers with a shrug.
I barely saw it out the corner of my eye but I did notice it. 'Cute.'
Juliet walked away with the warmed bowl and the box of madeleines. She looked even more tired than earlier because of her adrenaline rush running out. I was overjoyed that she was willing to show this level of weakness and wanted to rush out and hold her so badly. Despite my mounting desire, I take my time wiping my hands and following her out.
The exhaustion is evident even with her arms over her face. I know she had turned off the kotatsu before we left so I'm not worried about her accidentally burning herself on the heater but the floor is still not a comfortable place to spend all night.
Midnight honestly isn't that late but Juliet should have been in bed soon after dinner around nine or ten. Silently berating myself for letting her get carried away with shopping, I try to feed her a madeleine. Like many sweet things, madeleines are a personal favorite of hers that I quickly grew to love.
When Juliet doesn't take a second bite to finish the hanging madeleine, I don't hesitate to eat it myself. Even if she is sick, no, especially because she's sick, I'd gladly catch her cold. Afterall, the best way to get over a cold is by passing it onto someone else.
However, her innocent words make me freeze.
"Indirect kiss… hehe."
If she was feeling well I would have definitely kissed her senseless. The only reason I didn't want to give her a direct kiss now was that I wasn't sure I'd be able to hold back from doing more.
Luckily, her consciousness is fading and she doesn't notice my reaction. Or at the very least, she doesn't comment on it.
Unfortunately, Juliet still needed to drink her meds and go to bed. When she doesn't move, I try my best to get the Nyquil down her throat. Since she might choke if I tried to brush her teeth, I slowly coax two cups of water into her and hope for the best. More water would be good for her anyway.
Picking her up from where I had leaned her upper body on my chest proved surprisingly easy. Ignoring her barely hidden breasts, I lift her off the floor under the kotatsu blanket and tuck her into her bed. Juliet is a good bit taller than the average Asian female but she still feels like she weighs just as little. I know she's covered in toned muscle so being able to hold her in one arm for even a second is odd.
I plan to head back out to clean up dessert and grab a cool water basin to wipe her face and neck when Juliet moans in her sleep. She was still holding onto my shirt so I couldn't even walk away.
"Stay… with me… Jebal(1)..."
I can't do that and take care of everything though.
Looking around, I find Juliet's only plush toy on the other side of her bed. With her grasp on my shirt I can't walk around to the other side so I silently pray she doesn't notice and lean over her. The angry shiba is slightly out of reach so I really have to stretch for it.
Eventually, I do manage to grab the shiba and place it in her arms to hug. It seems to soothe her slightly and I'm able to make my getaway.
Having cleaned up the dishes, I head to the bathroom but realize I should shower before getting back to taking care of Juliet. Going through the duffel, I narrow my eyes and silently curse my sister. There are at least three days' worth of clothes in here! How long did she plan for me to stay as an uninvited guest?! There's no way she plotted all of this knowing that Juliet wasn't feeling well… Probably.
Jebal: please (Korean)