It was 2 o'clock in the morning. I was not able to sleep. I was feeling disturbed. No matter how hard I tried, I could not fall asleep. I was looking at my mobile, probably was playing with it. I clicked the menu button and saw the light getting dimmer. I was counting how many seconds the light lasted. When the light went out completely I did it again. I was just trying to kill time.
Why should I react a lot for everything he did? He didn't show up, that's all. Why couldn't I let it go and accept it? Why should it affect me so much? May be I should call him and tell him how I felt about him.
No, that should not be done. It sounded difficult to express my feelings towards him. Every time I tried to say something, I become tongue tied. When I saw his mesmerising eyes I couldn't even breathe properly, then how could I confess it. I should drop that idea. It was better that way.
I wanted to be the only one who got mesmerised by my eyes. I know seeing him with some other girl would definitely make my stomach churn, worse I could burn in hell.
I loved him. I didn't know when I would get the courage to say it to him. I looked at his picture and silently whispered, "I LOVE YOU ALEX." I was afraid to say it to him. May be saying it to him would make things worse. What if he got angry and stopped talking to me? I could take it, if he didn't love me but I could never take it, if he stopped talking to me. It would kill me every day.
I knew he was trying to tell something to me for the last two weeks but I was not sure what he wanted to talk about. I could feel he was disturbed. He had suddenly started keeping aloof. .
I wanted him in my life. He was everything to me. I had never had such feelings of affection towards anyone that to not so quickly. I felt comfortable with him in the short span of time that I knew him...
What would he tell me? What was he trying to tell me? Would he say that he was in love with me? My heart hoped that he would say he was in love with me, but seemed rather unlikely. I could never reach him even if I owned a tall ladder. He was too handsome but I was not a goddess of beauty to attract him. He was brilliant and I was not a bright student as he was. He was way better in everything when compared to me. I didn't know if I was worthy enough to be his friend. I was not good enough for him. Would he say something that would hurt me? I didn't know. My curiosity was crushing me. I wanted to be the only person to know him completely.
It was 2.30. I had school the next day. I had to sleep or else I couldn't wake up in the morning. I forced myself to sleep but I could not sleep, his handsome face kept popping up whenever I closed my eyes. He stood in front of me. It was like it was almost real.
When was I going to get the courage to express my feelings towards him or how long was I going to wait? I couldn't find the answer for both. I liked the feeling of waiting for him. I felt happy. I felt excited. Would that excitement go away when he proposed to me? Would I lose the attraction and the affection that I had for him when he came near me? I didn't have the answers for any of these questions. Only time would answer it but for now I was sure of some things.
I was crazy about him.
I loved him.
I was ready to risk anything for him.
Alexander. What a romantic name and the name of a hero! I didn't know to how many people he was hero but to me he was definitely a hero and nothing would change that. My thoughts drifted.
My phone vibrated. The moment it vibrated, I knew from who it was. It was Alex.
"Awake?" was the text that I got from him.
"What is it, Alex?" I texted him back.
He called me the moment I got the delivery report.
"Hello" I said softly, not wanting to wake up anyone in my house. Anyway, they could not hear me but I didn't want to risk anything.
"Thesika," he said. His voice brought tears to my eyes. I never felt like that when he said my name but I today I felt like there was some strong emotion in it. That made my eyes wet. It was like there was longing in his voice. . His voice sounded emotional.
"Are you alright Alex? Your voice sounds strained," I said.
"What do you want me to say, Thesika?" he asked me. He was disturbed and lost.
"The truth Alex," I said.
The line was silent. I did not hear anything other than heavy breathing.
"Alex," I said again. There was no sound. I got scared. "Alex, are you alright? Something wrong happened?" I asked him. There was no reply again. "Alex, talk to me," I repeated, raising my voice.
"I. . . . . I …," he hesitated.
"Say it Alex," I said making my tone a little soft.
"I can't talk with you, Thesika, not anymore" he said in a strained voice. His voice, his words shocked me. Tears started to roll down from my eyes.
"Alex, tell me what happened. Are you alright?" I asked him. I controlled my emotions as much as I could. I tried to sound calm. I didn't want him to know that he affected me so much, not now. I didn't want him to know that I was crying.
"What are you asking me to say, Thesika? I am not alright. I am not alright, do you understand. I am not alright" he said his voice shivering.
"What does it have to do with my talking? What did I do?" I asked him.
Did he know the truth? Did he know that I was in love with him? Was that the reason he was saying that he would not talk with me? Did the deepest fear of my heart come true?
"I am afraid, Thesika" he said softly It sounded like he was broken. I was not able to wrap my mind around it. I could not understand. Why is he afraid? Why does he have to be afraid to talk with me? What is the reason for it? I was confused but I didn't want to push it. I waited for him to continue.
"I am afraid, Thesika. I am afraid to talk with you. I am afraid that I cannot move away from you. I am getting addicted to you. I just thought of not talking with you. That's the reason I avoided you. That's the reason I didn't attend your phone but when I see your name in the display I can't resist when the phone goes off, I call you again. I tried hard not to talk with you. When I think of that, my heart feels restricted. I have never felt so emotional for anyone in my life, Thesika, not even for Preethiv. You look like an angel to me. I never had any idea that a beautiful nymph like you could walk the earth. I started to care more and more about you. I came to your corridor repeatedly that day when you walked with me because I wanted to look at you. I cannot stop myself. I could not take my eyes away from your face that day. You looked so damn beautiful. I was afraid that I would need more of you. I was afraid to get lost in you. The day that my friends played pranks on you and teased me that I was in love with you, was the day I realised that I may be in love with you. After that I thought that I could be the real Alex, whom you liked. I thought I can never be the Alex you wanted. That's the reason I asked for your picture. I had the feeling that you were moving away from me. I was afraid that my chapter in your life would close. I could not resist it. I didn't know why I felt that way. I don't want it to happen I don't want to fall in love with you. I am sorry, Thesika" he said. I was taken aback. I didn't know what to reply.
I was happy and as well as sad. I was happy that he shared the feelings that he had for me but I was sad because he didn't want it to happen. I didn't want to express my feelings for him and make him feel worse. I wanted to give him a chance. I want him to come to me without any hang-ups. So I took a decision.
"Are you afraid that you will love me?" I asked him.
"Yes but I don't want that to happen," he said to me.
"Ok Alex, in that case. I will help you. You said that you don't want to talk with me right. I won't talk with you for a week, Alex. If it is a crush, it will go away but if you think that you love me after that, we can then I rethink the whole thing.
"No Thesika, I cannot do it. I cannot be without talking with you," he said.
"Do you think that I can be? Believe me Alex; it is harder for me than you think. I am giving you a chance Alex. I will wait no matter what has happened. I will remain the same and you are the most wonderful person in the world for me Alex and you always will be. I like you more than anyone else and that will never change. You will always be my best friend. Just a week, Alex. It will go in a blink of an eye. I will be waiting for that week to get over," I said.
"Me too, Thesika" he said and hung up the phone.
I cried silently hoping that he would chose to be my man rather than my friend.