When I woke up it was three in the morning. Actually I had spent the whole evening sleeping. My stomach rumbled because I was hungry. I didn't eat anything after lunch. I searched for food but I couldn't find anything to eat. Everyone in my home was asleep.
I didn't know what to do. I had no work that day. I was thinking of what to do then I found my walkman placed on my writing desk. I went through my music collection. I didn't know what kind of music I was looking for... I had no idea what I wanted. I went through my collection again and again. I would have gone through it more than thrice before finding what I wanted. I wanted something that would give me peace of mind, something which would erase my worries away. My mom always used to say that music was a best friend and nothing could make you feel better when you are sad other than music. I decided to test her theory.
I found my favourite melody hits and played them. The music was lullaby to me. I moved in the way that the music guided me. I slept again. It was almost 6.30 when I woke up I was late and I hardly had time to get ready.
I made it to class but it had almost started when I reached my class room. I went straight to my place. The class was going dead slow. I didn't know how time flew when I was asleep and went dead slow when I was awake that too when class was on.
I would have looked at my watch more than 20times before the class was over. Anushiya was constantly bugging me asking why I was so restless and dreamy. I couldn't answer her questions even I did not know what the hell I was doing.
He made my world spin fast - too fast, at the same time he could also make it stop. I was like a puppet in fate's hand. It played with me as much as it could. More than fate, the feelings that I had for him, made things worse.
The bell rang but I was not in the mood to eat. It didn't mean that I was not hungry. I was hungry enough to finish my food and eat my friend's too but I couldn't. My body wanted energy and my system wanted food. I had to eat. I was weak.
I lost track of everything. I was staring I didn't know what I was looking at. I didn't know what I was doing. Anushiya shook me and said something. I was able to hear only one word that she said - Alex. That word - that name pulled me back to life.
"What?" I asked her.
"Oh god Thesika what the hell is wrong with you. Why are you looking pale? You have been restless form past day. Are you allright? And for heaven's sake, Alex is calling for you and he is waiting outside the class," she said.
I sat immobile. I was shocked and more than that, I was confused. She shook me again and said
"Oh my god Thesika, move, go, he is waiting," she pushed me out of the chair in which I was sitting. She was annoyed, really annoyed. I have never seen her irritated this much.
I took small steps thinking confusedly, why did he come here? Why is he here? He has no staff handling any subject from here not even Mathematics or English. Is it because I didn't go to club yesterday? Nay, he hardly noticed if I was there or not. What did he want? I don't know. I can't find a reason for him being here.
At every step that I took towards him, my heart raced. The colour returned to my face. I reached him but stood little away from him. I didn't want to risk crying by going near him. I knew I would pour my feeling out if he spoke softly.
I waited for him to start the conversation. I couldn't find my voice to speak. All I could and was able to do was look at him. I made a mistake. I looked into his eyes. That's it... I was not able to look at anything else that was around me. The only thing that my eyes could see was him and his mesmerising eyes.
His eyes drew me towards him like a magnet... He was mesmerizing. I was not able to think of anything else. My mind went blank as a sheet of paper. I couldn't hear the hum of voices around that reverberates during lunch time. I was not able to hear anything but his voice.
The more I looked at his eyes the more worse it became. I was becoming weak. I was losing control. I could feel something was stuck in my throat. I could feel the pain in my throat, the pain that would come when someone controlled tears and the pain which would be relieved if the person shouted out. The pain was not new to me but when it came to him, it hurt a little more. I knew that I would burst out any moment if I kept on looking at his eyes like that. Tears started to gather in my eyes.
I turned my head and controlled it and I was not ready for him to start the conversation. I knew I would start to cry out if I waited for him to talk. People who have never seen me crying would see it. I didn't want that to happen. I didn't want to cry in front of everyone that too not in front of him. I don't want him to judge me again. I didn't want to give him a chance to think ill of me again.
"What?"
I asked trying to control my emotions. But I couldn't help it. My voice betrayed me. My voice was shivering. I was pretty sure that he didn't hear me. I cleared my throat and asked again,
"What do you want?"
He was angry. The look that he had on his face indicated that he was going to yell at me any second.
"I think it would be better if we talk privately," he said.
He was angry but he managed his voice perfectly. It was level and smooth. He showed no emotion in his voice. I admired him for his composure. Well, everything about him was perfect. What is there not to admire in him? And I was enchanted.
I was wondering why he wanted to take talk privately, what was he going to say? Was he going to scold me? I didn't do anything to anger him. Probably I should do what he was doing. I should be angry. Can he be angry with me for bunking the class for a day? Nay, I don't think so. Definitely I won't be angry if someone bunks the class. I am not the kind of person who gets irritated for a silly matter like this.
A little part of my heart hoped that he would propose but I am sure that would never happen, not in this lifetime. I am sure that he was not the kind of guy who would fall for someone easily that too not for someone like me. I was quite sure that he didn't like me and it was too soon to change that thought.
My mind was wavering - what did he want with me? That question bugged me again and again. I would have probably asked myself that question every minute. Wait a little, he will tell you - I told myself. What could I do other than wait?
I followed him to the common room. He was walking fast very fast. It was hard for me to keep up with his pace. He didn't realise that I had to run to catch up with him. He stopped finally and turned back to see whether I was following him. He stared at me. He stared at me like a hunter looking at his prey. I was afraid and I started the conversation before he could.
"What do you want? Why did you bring me here?" I asked him. I didn't know what I was feeling now. I couldn't explain it. It was strange. Is it anxiety? May be, who knows.
"Why the hell didn't you come yesterday, Thesika?" he asked.
He noticed me. He knew that I existed. It sent chills down my spine but I was not going to let him know anything. I didn't want him to sense that he affected me profoundly. I had to give him an answer. I was not sure what to say. What was I to say to him, that I didn't come because he could not stand me? Because it hurt me to think that he hated me or because I was in love with him. Well I couldn't say any of these. I don't want to make anything worse than it was. .
I didn't reply instantly and I found him looking straight into my eyes. It made things worse. Speaking to him was hard for me when he looked at me that way. Then how could I lie to him?
"I asked you a question and I am waiting for an answer" he said. He was controlling his impatience. . That should have scared me but it didn't. I could only admire him for it.
I turned my head away from him so that it would be easy for me to reply.
"Why do you care Alex? You have nothing to do with it," I said.
I acted as if I didn't mind him being angry with me or that I didn't even respect him as a person. It added fuel to his anger. I knew everything about him mattered greatly to me, much more than every precious thing that I had saved.
"Why do I care? Why do I care? For heaven's sake, Thesika I am your leader and you are my group, my team. How would you ever talk like this? How could you ever be this irresponsible? You had a solo this week and did you forget it? Do you know how hard I argued with the other friend of mine to give that solo to you? I thought you found it difficult to mingle with others because of the discomfort that you felt when you spoke with them. I thought this performance would give you break but I was wrong. That was not due to your discomfort, or the you felt left out. That was because of your carelessness. It is because you don't care. I never thought that you would be like this. What do you think that you are a queen? I had some respect left for you. I just wanted to help you but you ruined everything" He said.
He was angry. I didn't want him to be angry at me.
I have no idea what he thought about me. But his talk proved to me that I was wrong about him. I thought he did not like me. I thought he hated me but that was not true. He was trying to help me. I had been ignorant throughout. I should have known. It was my fault. I should not have easily believed what I had heard. I should have verified it. I should have asked him about it. It is not too late and I am not going to let him go with this. I will fight him. I will prove him wrong. I will let him know that I knew everything that he had said about me. I am not sure whether he meant it but I can ask him about it. His words had hurt me. He must have made up his mind about me that I had a bad attitude. I want to do something about it and I am not ready to give up yet.
"For heaven's sake say something. Are you mute? I know you can yell more than I can. Can't you even respond, freak," he said. That's it, I lost my temper again.
I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to say that I was like that because of him - because he affected me so much. I wanted to say that he was present in every molecule of my body. I wanted to say that I didn't want to look at him as a girl from his singing group but as a girl who was his soul mate. But I was still not allowed to say any of this.
"What if you are my leader? You can't control me. I will come if I wish to," I said to him. I didn't don't want to talk to him harshly but if I spoke softly, I would burst into tears... His angry attitude made me feel stronger. "Look you joined my group and you will come even if you don't like it. Understood?" he said, making every word clear and distinct. I could feel the threat in his voice. With every piece of my heart I knew that all I wanted was to be with him. I couldn't say these words to him. I couldn't make him think that I was cheap. I couldn't lose the little respect that I had left. .
"I chose the group and I can leave if I want to and you can't force me to do anything" I said. Why am I doing this? Why do I have to annoy him with every word that I use? I don't want to do it. I have to stop it but I can't do it. Why the hell can't I stop it? I don't know the answer.
"Do you think I can't force you to do anything I want," he said. I knew what he said was true. He didn't have to force me. He just had to tell me.
He continued, "For once in your life can't you act mature? I am trying to be nice to with you and you are making it difficult for and your attitude is making it worse. Have you ever noticed that you are the only one who doesn't mingle with anyone? Is it so hard for you to be friendly with others? I am just asking you to be little friendly, at least act like that. If you have problem with me, that's fine. If you don't like me that's fine too. I will not come near you. The music club is supposed to be good. It should make others happy. It should bring life to everyone and damn it, you are making it a living hell for everyone. If you don't like talking to me, I will never disturb you but we have a group performance next week. I don't like to lose and we are not going to lose because of you and your stupid attitude towards others," he finished his tirade and left the room.
Does he notice me this much? That made my heart soar. Every time he said that I was in his group, it made me feel that I belonged to him and no one else. My mom always used to say that only the person who had hurt your heart could be the only one who could heal it. I didn't understand the meaning of that sentence till today. Now each and every word made sense. It was perfect.
"What am I making worse for others? It is you who are making it worse for me. It's you who is making a hell for me," I said and added 'heaven' in a low voice... He was confused and he had no idea what I was talking about.
"What did I do to you? I did nothing," he said, still confused.
"Nothing? Do you have any idea what the hell you did? You know nothing about me and still you judged me. You said I was arrogant and the not a kind of girl who would l mingle with others. You said I was a show off and no one would be my friend. O A few minutes ago you said that I was a freak. I don't mind being a freak but you can't talk about others if you don't know about them. All you do is judge and you have no idea that I overheard you. No matter how proper I act you can only see the wrong because you want to see only that in me... How can I ever be a friend with a gem like you? Before you comment on others, just be aware of what you did to them and then speak," I said to him.
How did I speak so much him? Speaking to him is the most difficult thing for me in the world. I was surprised by own courage. Could I be so outspoken?? . It was different. He makes me see another side of me...
"I am sorry. I didn't know that you were hurt because of me. You too didn't respond properly. Every time I try to speak normally with you, you just mess it up. I am really sorry. I didn't do this to hurt you. I just didn't realise it. I am sorry for calling you a freak. I was angry and I lost temper. I did not mean it," he said
He is apologising to me. He respected my feelings. I thought he disliked me. He tries to be friendly with me. Oh god! How could I be this stupid that I didn't notice this? I have been waiting for him to speak with me and at least regard me as person, and all along he wanted to be my friend. I was tongue-tied. I didn't know what to say. What am I supposed to say? I thought he would just show his hate towards me but this, I never expected. He was waiting for my reply. I had to say something but what?
"I am sorry too … I should have behaved myself," I said. I could not say anything other than this.
"It's okay. I should have behaved too. I teased you as much as I could. Any girl in your situation would have done the same." He said it with a laugh.
His smile killed me I couldn't take my eyes away from him. He was making my world stop. Why couldn't I resist him? Every time I looked at him, I couldn't think or speak... It made me angry. But I kind of liked it too. Every time when I am with him, I feel renewed and, beautiful. He made me beautiful. He taught me to find joy in every little thing.
"But…," he dragged.
"But what?" I asked, suddenly raising my voice. I couldn't control my curiosity. Oh my god, my voice betrays me every time. I couldn't control my emotions when it comes to him.
"You should not have eavesdropped," he said playfully.
"It was not my fault I didn't do it on purpose. I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I am sorry." I said as I turned red.
"Hey it's not a big deal. I helped me to know the real you. So friends?" he asked.
What could be my answer? It could be none other than "Yes". A big yes and it will be my only answer.
"YES"