The semester break ended with me holed up in my parents' house. How glad I was that they do not bother asking about my affairs. Except for my little sister, Ria, a junior in high school.
"Bro, why are you so grumpy?" She asked me one night while I was staring at the sky, smoking. "The plants will die if you smoke here."
I turned and glared at her then left the garden.
She whistled. "Something is reeeaaally wrong with you brother."
Definitely, something was wrong with me. I was getting flashbacks of Alex's face inches from mine, the taste of his lips, and the scent of cigarettes. Ugh, I wanna hit myself. It has been two weeks since class started and I haven't been to the tree because I was afraid I'd run into him. After leaving so suddenly, I didn't know how I'd face him. Especially after that ki....
I can't even say it.
But why does the mere memory of him make my heart race? It shouldn't. First, he's a man. Second, I only met him that once, when his girlfriend broke up with him. Was it because he kissed me that I am like this? I want to know, I want to understand what was this I'm feeling.
"You look awful." Anna sat beside me and put a hand on my head. "I always liked it when you look hopeless."
"Ha. Ha. Not funny. " I answered nonchalantly.
"What is wrong anyway?" She stared at me with her pretty brown eyes..
I stared back and saw Anna like I've never seen before. "You're as beautiful as ever."
She slapped me lightly on the cheek and smiled. "Don't play with me."
Before I could respond, someone called from the classroom door, a familiar voice that I've been trying to avoid but I miss at the same time.
"Annabelle," he called out.
Oh. He's looking for her? I felt a knot in my chest, it felt heavy.
Wait why was I feeling this way? I haven't seen him the whole semester break and just knowing he's standing a few feet from me, near but feels so far away, makes my heart ache.
what's the word for this?
jealousy?
disappointment?
Anna stood and I watched her from the corner of my eye. I tried to look at Alex but he wouldn't look my way. His back against the wall, far from my reach, just like the first time we talked by the tree.
Well what's the point? Anna and Alex together smiling, talking, looked like the most natural thing in the world. They look good together and I can't bear to watch them. I looked away and stared at the open window, on the blue, cloudless sky.
"4pm. " Anna said, returning to the seat she vacated. "You'll know where, says Alex."
A smile was forming in my lips but I forced my self to hold it in. I nodded. "I have a class until 5."
"Oh, then I guess he's gotta wait."
"What did he say he wanted?" I asked
She shrugged. "I dunno."
It's already 5pm and my class just ended. The cloudless sky earlier was now wrapped in darkness and rain was pouring heavily. I looked out the window, the field was all wet and muddy. I was certain Alex was not stupid enough to go out and wait on the rain. Right? Probably.
I walked out, towards the lobby and into the lockers. Somehow, I was getting the urge to turn and go to the tree. I had a feeling he's there, waiting. Gut feel. Sometimes intuition is spot on.
Should I go? But why? I wanna see him, I guess..Why? I don't know. I don't even know if he's there. Maybe I just wanted to confirm if he is there. Or maybe confirm what I feel. I hope I can find the answer when I see his face. If I keep contradicting myself I wouldn't find the answer I'm looking for.
I grabbed an umbrella from my locker and ran towards the open field. The rain poured heavily, my socks were soaked and my shoes all muddy but I walked on, and I walked faster because I could see him from afar. Standing under the tree, soaked and stupid. knowing that he was there waiting, made my heart beat as hard as the pouring rain.
"Hey stupid." I greeted him.
"Thought you'd never come." He smiled, "do I really look stupid?"
No. I wanted to say. "My class was until 5. Sorry."
He leaned closer, I realized he's taller than I am.
"Don't be." He sniffled.
His face inches from mine, I could hear my heart beating loud. What should I do? If he kissed me here, right now, my already shaking knees would definitely give. I looked at him and his face was flushed red.
"Achoo!!"
I sighed. "Let's get out of this rain, idiot."
It was me who feels like an idiot.
Sharing an umbrella, walking too close to each other, my heart beats stupidly in its cage. I was thankful for the rain, at least I could be sure he wouldn't hear how nervous I was
Why was I getting flustered anyway?
I didn't get the chance to answer myself.
We stood by his door staring, as if it would open on its own.
"Wanna come in?" He asked without glancing, his hands were shaking, probably because of the cold, fumbling his keys.
"Not today. Rest for now." I turned without looking back. If I stayed longer I would have given in.
I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling, music blaring to drown my heavy heart. I was looking for something to confirm my feelings but I guess I was afraid to know the answer. Was I interested in him? But that's the problem. The fact that he's a him. We're both men, but it doesn't seem to affect him. This guy stirs something inside of me that I cannot put my finger to.
beep.
Text message.
It's from Alex.
"Sorry for today. Let's try again some other time?
I replied,
"No prob.
"I'll look forward to it." He immediately responded.
I couldn't help but smile. I have forgotten about my argument with myself. And again, me acting like an idiot because of him.