I don't understand my feelings.
I understand that I feel broken.
Maybe it's because my brain is wired so that change is considered bad but I feel like I need to stay in a destructive cycle. I feel like panics/meltdowns are my normal and that tearing out my hair and skin make me feel sane. I understand that I hate myself when I have negative emotions and I also understand that the hate to myself lessens when I'm happy. I know that I can't stay up past sunset because that is a panic trigger. I know I can't control my emotions well, but I learned it's because I have a mental condition that causes me to feel stronger emotions than most. Imagine your happiest, saddest, and most angry moments. That's what I feel every day, just because my brain is wired differently and as you can see from my previous chapters it's extremely taxing on my mental and physical health.
Surprisingly I don't hate myself for extreme emotions, I hate myself because I cannot properly control them. I have gotten way better at it, I no longer hit people (I was very young and at the time did not know how to express myself) and I have never hurt an animal out of anger.
I'm afraid I will regress.
I guess I'm also afraid of what I did and what I can currently do. Physical abuse is terrible but so is psychological abuse.
I need to self isolate when I have negative emotions. My rationale and self awareness goes incredibly down when I'm mad it's like trying to see your surroundings through thick fabric. And unfortunately the abuse becomes my own, I can't exercise to distract my mind because it becomes really hard to breath like falling and knocking all the air out of your lungs or being kicked in the stomach.
My nose closes up from trying not to cry so I can't do proper breathing techniques, forget even trying to hold my breath. I can't hear because it sounds like everything is underwater.
I have not tried taste yet....
The only thing that has sorta worked so far is my sense of touch, unfortunately I find that pain works a little in the early stages of the panics but it's just a distraction. Later in full panic my sense of feeling anything except trying to breath or cough doesn't work as well.
I'm ranting but I find this helps me a little, not at all during the moment but it helps to process what has happened. Whether I write during it or after I usually try and think of what was the trigger to a panic and how can I help myself.
Also turns out one of my medication was a wrong prescription dosage for about two months now... -.- my luck.
But lucky for me it's only known side effect on me was insomnia (I was getting 3-5 hour sleeps a night) which is fine because I have nightmares every night that I can feel pain in. So anyway! :)
I don't know if anyone has read this far, if you have I'm sorry for grammar and I salute you as someone who reads my work!
Last but not least please take proper care of yourself and if you don't know how to then please ask a professional or research WITH MULTIPLE RELIABLE REFERENCES!!!! Emphasis on multiple and reliable. Be safe and be healthy please but remember happiness is unique to individuals and not always easily achieved.