I would like to think that someday I will understand my emotions and what I feel. I want to walk down a hallway or be in a stressful situation and not feel like I could lash out and destroy everything if I got angry. I never wanted to hurt people, family, strangers, friends.
I want to be someone who can throw away their emotions.
I can no longer become stronger than a certain level because when you're angry, strength becomes hard to control.
I've hurt things, I've broke things, and people, I'm not proud of it.
I despise myself because of it.
I don't live for a lot of things.
I've mistreated my family. I'm sorry does not help or heal the wounds caused. On me or them.
I feel like my life can be thrown away. I can't even get too happy anymore because by extreme happiness I get side effects of extreme depression, self criticism. And loss of will.
Must be nice not to feel these things.
Must be nice not to have to constantly monitor your emotions.
Must be nice to not look at a wall, door, window, and hope it won't break if you get too angry.
Must be nice to not know how to turn your own smile on and off at will.
I can wear a mask of almost any emotion.
I know I'm good at it because no one has found out whenever I wear that mask.
I'm just tired, And this time not because of lack of sleep.
I don't think how I feel can be used as an excuse.
When my reason and will to live are gone. I will ask myself what to do. What to live for.
I hope I find my answer.