Silas was antsy. Everybody was antsy and on edge. They knew that the operators from PSEF were hunting them down and would find them – it was only a matter of when. It could be any moment, and if they were off their guard for a second, it could spell catastrophe.
Even after Rekka and the others had finished setting up the trap, Silas was asked to help double and triple and quadruple check to see if everything was in order. It was a risky plan that had a vey plausible chance of failure. Rekka tried to keep a calm expression, but she was incredibly stressed.
Silas tried to get his mind of things by training. Surprisingly, he was the only one to think so. Everybody else seemed to find more joy in conversing with each other, no matter how anxious they were. Instead of alleviating stress by being with people, Silas preferred to strike out alone.
He trained for hours upon hours after they had set the trap, his stomach screaming at him to eat. But since Rekka had ordered everyone to ration the foods, Silas justified refusing to eat with preservation of food. He was too focused on his training to simply stop and eat a little meal. He tried everything, from lifting and carving different materials, to different elements. He tried to light a stick on fire like Rekka had already instinctively been able to do, but no luck.
To his surprise, however, he was now able to create a small gust of wind that lasted for only a short second. It was nowhere near what Axel could do, but at least he knew he had some air magic proficiency, however negligible.
"Hello Silas. How is your training going?" a voice behind him asked. It wasn't Saya, but Macy.
"Oh, hello Macy. It's going well, I suppose," Silas said without any hint of emotion. If possible, he preferred that people not watch him fail.
"May I watch?" Macy asked. If he hadn't been afraid he'd upset Macy's feelings, Silas would have said no.
"Sure," he said instead. He decided to start off with something boring yet effective for Macy. If she saw how boring his magical practice was, she'd leave him alone. He lifted a large rock with ease (he'd eventually gotten it down after an hour or so of nonstop trying) and placed it in front of him. Then he focused his magical energy, feeling the mana within him pulse. He felt it trickle slowly through his veins, its cool essence chilling his soul. He drew it out and shot it straight at the center of the rock.
Suddenly, a small hole opened up the rock as if a laser had blasted through it. But there was no laser to be seen – Silas could only affect rocks and earth, not the air or any flesh. His mana only shot through the rock in front of him, which was boring. Incredibly boring and not the most useful in a fight.
"Wow!" Macy exclaimed excitedly, putting her hands around her mouth and doing a little jump. "S-silas, that was amazing!" She giggled and hugged him suddenly.
Silas yelped and jumped back, feeling her arms wrap around his body. He pushed them away reflexively. He didn't like it. They were thin enough to feel like ropes, binding him down.
"W-what?" Macy exclaimed in confusion. She hadn't been expecting that reaction at all.
"Next time you want to hug me, please ask," Silas said, his voice sarcastic and dry. Macy jumped, fear creeping into her eyes.
"S-sorry. I'm not the best at this social interaction thing." She gave a nervous giggle. "But seriously, that was really cool!"
"I just made a hole in a rock. It's nothing special," Silas insisted.
"No, truly! Not many people can do something like that. Besides, humans aren't even supposed to have magical powers in the first place. You are probably the only human in history who is able to do that sort of thing. You should be proud! You're really amazing. I wish I could be like you. Earth powers sound so cool!"
"Really?" Silas said, his sarcasm starting to slip away. Was Macy being earnest? She was right – he was probably the only human in history who was able to wield such magic powers. He should be proud. Even the smallest ounce of magic was enough to make him famous.
But that didn't matter now, did it? If he was one of the last humans, there was nobody left to remember him for who he was. That sort of thing didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was survival, and as he stood now, he was not powerful enough to pull off that feat. He needed more power and practice. It wasn't good enough yet. Not good enough to him.
"Yes, truly. And what's even more inspiring is how you've been practicing nonstop for the past few days. I can only imagine the drive that you have. It's going to be so great when all that practice finally pays off."
"Sure, sure," Silas said, waving her off. But for some reason, her earnest-sounding compliments made something stir within him. Perhaps it was his own selfish pride, but unlike with Saya's invasive assumptions, he wanted to hear more. He wanted more compliments. He wanted to be appreciated and loved. A deep primal hunger shifted inside him. But at the same time, his own conscious tried to placate it.
He didn't want to give in to the temptation – being complimented was fun, but it was a lie. What he needed was the truth. What he needed was improvements. Telling someone the positives might help their mental state, but it never helped them know what to fix.
"But honestly, I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere," he admitted. "The progress is so slow… and everybody else already has such stronger powers than I do without even trying. You already knew how to manipulate your electricity to short-circuit those devices. You didn't even know how they operated, and you were able to do it without a second thought. Sometimes I just want to stop training. Perhaps then I'll unlock some random magic powers."
Silas was half-joking, half-serious. Maybe the training was what was holding him back. Honestly, it was so, so frustrating to keep practicing for hours and then having everyone around him have better results without even trying. It was like it was all a game to them. Everyone thought so except Rekka. Nobody ever took their situation seriously. Why were they smiling? Why were they trying to make friends?
It was so stupid. Why even try and get attached? If one of them ended up dying it would just destroy their morale and weaken them further. It was a recipe for disaster…
That's what Silas was yelling to himself… trying to cover up his desires. He knew what he really wanted, but he denied it.
"Don't worry, Silas. Everyone wants to give up from time to time," Macy reasoned, putting a hand on his shoulder. This time, Silas made no move to brush it aside. The moment he heard the words "give up" all his strength left his body. He gave a huge sigh.
"You treat giving up like it's an unforgivable sin. You might not say it, but I can feel the threat. It's like… if I give up, I'm pathetic. I'm weak. But it's not like that, honestly," Silas blurted. What was he saying? He needed to control himself…. This was his first real conversation with Macy. No way he should be talking about his… feelings like this.
"I feel like giving up too early is a mistake… but so is giving up too late. If you spend years trying to sprout wings… you aren't going to sprout wings. It's just an undeniable fact. But the longer you entertain that delusion… the more time is wasted. If I'm not magically talented, there's no point in me training so much. It's not going to get me anywhere."
"I get that. I really do," Macy said, but Silas really, really doubted it. "And I'm always here to listen if you need help. We need to stick together, and that means that we need to be honest with each other about our feelings."
The way Macy looked at Silas was disarmingly genuine. When he stared into her snakelike pupils, he felt like he could talk about everything from dawn to dusk. It was a soft, gentle gaze that seemed to soothe his angry conscious and tame the raging emotional beast inside him. It guided his beast out of the dark and to the surface. She was like a snake charmer, and Silas was petrified by her gaze.
But for some reason, Silas didn't feel wary of it. It was an alien feeling. He felt… comfortable. He wanted to talk. He wanted to open up his heart and spill of his secrets at her feet. It was a reaction that was completely different than when he talked to Saya. Even if she didn't understand him… Macy was willing to try.