There are two types of people according to me. Majority of people have some goals and based on that they can be put into two different categories
The ones who have goals and try their best to accomplish it or work towards it. They get disappointed, happy, excited and sad about the effort they put towards that goal.
Then there are people who have goals but don't put any effort into it. They want to put in the effort but for some reason, they just don't. They are just lost in their own world, in their own thoughts.
Yes, they just think and just think. They have great ambitions but those ambitions just stay inside their mind. They just feel disappointed and sad about acknowledging the fact that they have to do something but still don't.
I used to belong to the latter category and I still somewhat do but I'm trying to change my ways. It's more like I needed to change my ways or else this house would have devoured me whole.
Once I also had great ambitions, I dreamt of becoming a lawyer in the past. I also picked arts as my stream because of it but that's all that I did. After that I did nothing.
I just looked down on others thinking of myself as someone great for having a goal so early in life. I have a goal so I can get ahead of them quickly or that's what I thought but the reality wasn't so good. Before I realized what bullshit I have been thinking the 11th standard passed away. I barely passed and those I looked down upon reached so far ahead that I don't think I can catch up to them anymore.
Though I could, I just needed to put forth more effort and honestly, I could but I just didn't. I don't know why. I was unable to turn my thoughts into real-life action, thinking about it made me feel shitty but I still didn't do anything. I made several plans to actually do something but I still didn't.
I thought I should watch some motivational videos but that thought just remained inside my head, why couldn't I even do a simple task of watching a motivational video? Am I afraid of something in there?
I still don't know the answer.
But the change happened, something that I can't remember but that something is probably what made me think of Siberite as something other than a sister of the same age.
I want to remember it but I can't.
But that gave me something to change myself. The things that I felt were meaningless started having small impacts on me. I used to hate Kira from death note but now I find something strangely mesmerizing about him. I used to adore the stories of heroes, prince saving the princess, fairy tales, disgust and hate for villains that they depicted in their shows but now I find those villains more interesting and intriguing. I started finding them more relatable.
Johan Liebert from Monster didn't make much sense to me but now it makes a lot of sense. I wanted him to continue doing what he did and not get stopped by Tenma even though it is morally wrong.
These small things started piling up, filling me with a bit of confidence each time. Maybe just like how these villains did what they wanted, I can also do something that I want for myself. These things give me that small courage I need to rebel against my parents and maybe someday save Siberite.
That's why right now I'm able to stand in front of her door and open it with not hopelessness but with a burning selfish desire.
*tap**tap*
"Siberite are you awake?"
"..."
there's no voice coming from inside, is she asleep? Well, it's already 11 pm so it wouldn't be strange. Should I wake her up then? or I could just talk with her tomorrow.
"Yes, come inside, Silica"
huh? so she's awake. Then what took her so long to respond?
anyway, I should open the door now.
*creak*
haaahhh, Siberite's room really is nicely decorated. The dark pinkish-red walls, posters, photo frames, plushies by the corner, good fragrance and a well-organized desk with a laptop on top. Hmm? her laptop is open, then why is she sitting on the bed?
mmm, probably studying, I think.
"w-what do you wa-want, S-si-Silica?"
Yes, I'm here for something. I need to accomplish it, I can't just think about it and get thrown into a spiral of madness, I need to take action. I need to see her face to face.
This pink nightwear looks cute on her, these slender legs having moonlight reflected on them makes them look so juicy, these tiny breasts slightly bulging her nightwear. The soft and weak looking lips, it feels like I can tear these lips apart with just one bite. The slightly quivering eyes showing her meekness, what is she afraid of?
What is making her so afraid?
Is it me?
It can't be
It's those parents. They yelled at her before, of course, she's a little scared right now.
I need to console her, yes, that's what I'm here for, to make her feel better.
Why is she shrinking away? The more closely I get to her, the more afraid she seems, those bastards should never be forgiven, making my Siberite like this.
"It's alright Siberite"
"!! Y-y--yes.."
why are you looking down? are you that afraid of them? I am here right in front of you so why are you being scared of them? Do they have that much influence on you?
ne, tell me. Why aren't you speaking?
She's still facing down. I'm standing right in front of her but she's still not looking at me. Why are tears forming in corner of your eyes? Why are you not looking at me? What have I done? What have they done to the poor you?
Hey, look at me. I said look at me, why so afraid? Don't just sit here with your head hung down, am I that disgusting to you?
why aren't you speaking??!!!!!
"Kyaaaaa!!!!!!"
hahaha, now you looked at me.
"G-g-get off me!!"
what are you saying? I could only make you look at me like this. With me pinning you down, getting on top of you, you really have such beautiful eyes. These shiny purple eyes, these eyes can suck all of my darkness away.
You are so beautiful, you are the only one who can make my mind rest at ease and go absolutely crazy at the same time.
"Why are you acting so scared, Siberite"
"Y-You are go-going to b-b-ully me again"
I see, of course, she's scared
"Yes, those two really were bad for shouting at you" oh, my pitiful Siberite
"Wh-what are you t-t-talking about? They di-didn't shout at me"
"I know, you are scared. You don't have to lie."
"wh-..what?"
"It's ok. Don't be scared, they won't bully you for long. I will deal with them soon enough and free you"
"heh?!! wh-what are you planning to do to them?!! th-they are our parents!!"
"shh, shh, you don't need to know. You only need to keep up with their selfishness for a little bit longer"
*sniff* *sniff* haaahhh, what a fragrant hair.
"Eeeeppppp!! s-stop it!"
"Yes, I know, you are enjoying it too"
"..."
"Why are you crying? are they making you do something unreasonable?"
"I-it's you!!"
"I see, don't worry. They won't make you sad for long"
"Ju-just listen to me!"
what is she talking about, I'm listening to her. I'm listening to her every word like my life depends on it
"Aggghhhh!!"
Haahhh, being on top of her, embracing her in my arms like this, resting my head on her shoulders, I really wanted to do this.
"What did you do at school today? tell me. I want to know"
"Fi-first get off me!"
I embraced her more tightly
"First tell me"
"I-I-...attended classes, hung out with friends, did s-t-student council work and th-then c-came back home"
Why are you speaking in such a low and afraid voice?
"I see, you must have been overburdened today as well. C'mon, you can release it on me. Don't have to lock it inside"
"....Why can't you be on one side? One time you act so rudely, treat me badly and then at the same time just be so kind to me. What are you thinking?"
"I don't know" I love you
"....*sniff* *sniff* why are you like this? *sniff* I don't understand you anymore. Everyone has *sniff* high expectations of me, I try my best to live up to them *sniff*. Then why, why don't they acknowledge it?! *sniff*. Both of them still don't see me as their daughter, my friends don't see me as their actual friend, teachers and principle *sniff* just think of me as something to boost their school's reputation.
*sniff* you were my only solace but for the past few months even you have turned into a complete stranger. *sniff* what are you thinking, what's going through your head *sniff* why are you being so rebellious, why won't you tell me!!"
I want to tell her but how do I say it? Do I just say that I love her?
How can I say something like that when even though I'm not sure about it and feel disgusted towards it? How am I supposed to tell her when I'm not even ready to embrace this love myself?
"I'm just doing everything I can to save you" is the best that I can muster
"When did I tell you to save me? I never asked you about it. Even if you are saving me then why are you keeping me out of it? I don't get it!! Even more than that you are becoming more scary day by day!!"
I see those two are making her more afraid, I need to be quicker.
"It's gonna be alright. Everything will be fine"
"Like I said, what are you going to do?!!"
"It's gonna be alright"
"Listen to me!! why are you ignoring me!?"
"Everything will be alright. I will save us both"
"*Sniff!!* listen to me...*sniff* what happened to you *sniff* who made you like this? *sniff**sniff* why are you doing this to me *sniff*"
"Don't worry, it's alright"
she's punching my chest with her weak hands, crying sea of tears but for some reason, it hurts a lot. Why are these weak punches hurting me? Why are these tears suffocating me?
It's all their fault
Yes, everything is their fault.
"Silica *sniff* I know both of them are bad *sniff* but they are our parents *sniff* please don't hurt them. I will *sniff* make sure they turn over a new leaf *sniff* so please, please don't..*sniff*"
"Everything will be fine soon"
"...why....."
You can't win against evil by remaining pure, Siberite can't win against them through just methods. Someone needs to fall down to their level, I won't allow her to fall there. She needs to remain pure.
why do I want her to remain pure?
so that she can hate the disgusting me in the end and live a normal life
why am I deciding everything for her?
because I love her
What I'm doing is not love, nothing I'm doing is for love, everything is just for me to satisfy my hate for those two
wrong
Why do I want to make her hate me? don't I want her love?
If she hates me then I can also—
not feel bad about despising her
wrong, it's wrong! you are wrong! you are always wrong! get out of my head! leave me! just leave me alone
I'm you
ahhhhh! stop, stop, stop. I need to go back to my room, I can't let Siberite see this
"Huh? Si-silica? why...are you shaking?"
leave, leave, I need to leave.
"hey! Silica? where are you going?!"
Open the door
close it
*Dhum*
I need to save her, I need to help her, only then will this voice leave me
Only I can do this.