Now I understand.
It hurts. The numbness. Which is quite ironic since its not supposed to feel like anything.
But it hurts.
It hurts not knowing what hurts in the first place. It hurts breaking down in tears, crying and crying and crying, but not knowing what you're really crying about. Not really knowing what you feel, or if you're still feeling. I get it now; the apathy, the silence. It's both a comfort, and a curse.
And its funny.
Just when you're really in pain, figuratively speaking seeing since you're still numb af, there's no one around to see you fall apart. And its both a comfort and a curse. A comfort, knowing that no one has seen you in your worst which equates to them not having anything to use against you. A curse since well, they won't believe anything they can't see. And its hard, you know? Caring too much behind closed doors, behind prying eyes, to the point that everyone believes that you don't care just because they weren't there to see you fall apart.
Its ironic, to say the least. How so much can mean so little at the same time. Now I'm being vague, but there are really some things that has to be felt for it to be truly understood. I thought I understood pain. I thought I knew how pain felt like. I've gathered enough data to satisfy my need for information and observed subjects that I thought would give me a better perspective of what's it like to be 'in pain'. I called it 'The Theory of Pain'. My literature, along with my personal stance and perspectives, revolved around that self-proclaimed theory made out from biased sources. But my dear readers, forgive me for being shallow and undeniably conceited enough to actually try to quantify something so abstract. But I think I know better now.
I thought I understood enough to know how it works, how it operates, and how it shatters. Oh, how obscenely wrong I was.
But now, I understand.
I understand that pain can exist in numbness. I understand that pain can't be explained, but rather felt. I understand that pain can sometimes be irrelevant but not any less valuable. I understand that pain can make you do things, say things that would cause more pain, or maybe the numb kind of pain which is more or less still pain. And its rather pointless to use words to explain something so abstract yet so real at the same time. It's rather pointless to use words to explain something that only life can teach you. I thought I knew pain, but it turns out I only knew just that; a theory.
But now I understand.
Now, I understand better than I ever hoped to understand.