The chirping of the birds fill my garden as I stand next to the blooming roses. When you think of it the women in the palace are very much like these flowers. We, like these roses, are beautiful and everywhere we go people can't help but stop and admire us. But our beauty, again like these roses, is fleeting and when we stop blooming the admirers will stop and our glorious places will be taken by the younger flowers.
A situation I happen to find myself in right now. Today is the concubine selection. The 2 years of Empress Xiaozhou's mourning has ended and her place will be taken by another flower. And so will mine. No longer will I be Consort Xian, the Emperor's only consort. Now I will be Consort Xian, one of the Emperor's many.
I am afraid. The last 2 years, the Emperor has barely visited me. My power in the palace comes from ruling it. And now it will be the new Empress who will rule it. I have nothing to rely on other than my title. My family are to honorable to scheme for me and I have no children to rely on.
Even as I enter the pavilion, in which the selection will be held, my mind is in disorder. I want power. I no longer wish to be at the mercy of others. But how will I achieve this? I have no true mind for scheming. My former plot against Yang Nuying and Mu Jinyan was only achieved thanks to my maid, Ruolan, and my eunuch, Jinbao. Only thanks to their cunning minds did I manage to arrive here. But I cannot always rely on them. If I did, I would be at their mercy. Other then that, I wonder, do I have the stomach for this?
To scheme and plot is easier said then done. Yang Nuying and Mu Jinyan were one thing, but these people, what are they? Could I truly harm them for my own personal good?
I want my son on the throne, but to do that, would, I not have to scheme as they did? Would, I not have to harm children just like my Xiulan? And would, I subject my grandchildren to this endless scheming for the throne?
Mere weeks after my decision yet when the time has come, I am already cowering.