I dream of my father. Before me he stand tall and strong, once again the imposing man I knew him to be. He has his back turned to me and his head turned down in shame. He does nothing to soothe the weeping mess on the floor that is his daughter. He does not need to face for me to understand what he is feeling. What he thinks. He thinks how can I have raised such a child? Where did I go wrong? How come she is such a person?
Shacking, he turns towards me. His face is red with fury and his breath his unsteady. "How can I have such a greedy and unfilial daughter! Did I not teach you to respect your elders? To be virtuous? To obey your husband and mother in law in everything? Yet look at what you have done! Conspiring and scheming! Fighting for power and favour! You even dared to harm Empress Xiaozhao! From this day on I have no daughter!" He bellows at me, spitting in my face. Abruptly, he turns towards the door and begins to walk before stopping. "Tell him or I will. You have one day"
And then he leaves. He does not even ask me why. Does not even consider what could have pushed me to this point. Or maybe he does. Maybe he knows what Yang Nuying did, but does not care. Maybe he is too caught up in his morals and ethics that he will chose to destroy his only daughter for the sake of so called justice.
Well at least I know, he didn't know what would happen later. What would happen when he walked home to his loving wife and told her the awful deeds her daughter had committed. He didn't know she already knew. That she in fact had aided their daughter in her actions. And he especially didn't know how his wife would poison him that night.
I wake up gasping for air and wet with sweat. Yingyu, who was sleeping next to me, wakes up by my sudden movement.
"Your Highness, was it that dream again?" She asks despite knowing the answer.
"I am terrified, Yingyu" My eyes start to tear up "I am terrified of us being caught. I am terrified of what will happen if someone finds out. And most of all I am terrified of them"
She squeezes my hand "Them?"
"Yang Nuying, Mu Jinyan, Nursemaid Rong and my father" I pause and sigh "I am terrified of them coming back to haunt me. I am terrified of my actions against them"
She squeezes my hand once again and smiles reassuringly "Your Highness, if ghosts existed how can so many people live happily?" She lowers her voice "Look at all these emperors and imperial concubines before Your Highness. How could they have risen so far without dirtying their hands?" She laughs as if my worries were the greatest joke she ever heard. "In This Slave's opinion there are no ghost. If there were, This Slave is afraid no one could live"
Even as Yingyu lulls me to sleep I am terrified. Terrified of the path, I have taken and the path I have yet to take.
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In the end Su Chunhua became the new empress. Even I have to admit that is a very good choice. She is humble, kind and sweet. Her servants worship her and the concubines adore her. Or at least most of them do.
Mao Zongying, the newly made Imperial Concubine De, has ever since her entry butted heads with the Empress. She is arrogant and mad. She believes as General Mao's daughter she should have been the Empress. What a joke! Yang Nuying and Su Chunhua's families have both protected the borders and nation for generations! Mao Sheng is merely a newcomer that caught the Emperor's attention and yet she should be the empress? I truly laugh at her. With her father's growing arrogance, how can she rise? The Emperor would rather have her head!
I sit down on my chair and draw my large, white fox fur closer to me. This woman is without a doubt trouble. Power and stupidity never mix well. But if there is someone I must fear it would be Consort Hua. Lin Zhilei had become an consort on the moment she entered the palace. But unlike Mao Zongying, she acts humble before the Empress and loving to the Emperor and Empress Dowager. She has an understanding of the palace politics, I do not like. It reminds me of Yang Nuying's false facade.
"Yi'er is heavy in thoughts?" A cheeky voice asks behind me, drawing me from my thoughts.
I rise and greet the man behind me "This Concubine greets Your Majesty"
Zhi Qiyuan enters my palace with all of his usual air of playful indifference. He pulls me into his arms while waving to the servants to leave. "Yi'er does not blame me for not visiting?"
Blame you? I thank you! I have no need of an husband like you! "How could This Concubine!" I exclaim in a falsely concerned voice.
He merely chuckles and draws his gaze around the room. It is a very plain room with few decorations. The few decorations are also either old or plain. One would believe it belonged to a Noble Lady and not a Consort.
"Why does This Emperor feel that Xihe Palace has become more gloomy?" Frowning, he pauses for a second "Can it be Yi'er is not treated right?"
I shake my head "No no. This Concubine is treated very well. It is just that This Concubine likes it this way"
He smiles "If Yi'er likes is this way, it must be this way"
I call for the maids to bring tea and sit down on a chair next to the Emperor. None of us speak. He just looks at my face as if he was studying a rare piece of jade.
Finally he sighs "This Emperor will leave"
Yingyu and Ruolan stand behind me as I watch the Emperor's departing figure
"Your Highness, why did the Emperor leave so suddenly" Ruolan asks me.
"This Palace feels as though the Emperor wanted her to speak" I sigh "Tomorrow I must greet the Empress it is best if I goes to sleep early"
Ruolan nods and does not speak again.