Twenty minutes later and I'm at the library. I grunt in frustration when I notice my parking spot has already been occupied by a sleek BMW. Not that I had an allocated parking space at the library but I was always on time and that spot had become mine. For it to be occupied meant I was late. Giselle is no where around yet and knowing her, it'd definitely take an extra twenty minutes for her to get here. I get out of my car and head into the library. Sheila is at the front desk wearing her signature frown and never out of style purple glasses. The kids from school who frequent the library are scared of Sheila but very few people know what a sweet soul she truly is. Two years ago, she lost her husband in a ghastly car accident. She also happens to be one of the few people who are aware of my situation at home. It's also the major reason she got me this job at the library but she tells people I'm such a huge nerd that's why I spend so much time at the library helping out. No one knows I even get paid because that could lead to a lot of questions no one's ready to answer.
I walk to her office where I usually keep my stuff and join her at the front desk where she's discussing some book delivery with Sara the receptionist.
"Good morning Sheila, Sara". I smile in greeting as the two women pause mid conversation to acknowledge my presence.
Sara smiles back in return but Sheila just motions for me to join her in her office. I raise an eyebrow in question at Sara but she only shrugs, indicating she has no idea what Sheila wants to talk to me about. I nod in understanding and scurry after Sheila who is almost at the door of her office.
"Ember". She calls out with her hand on the door knob.
"Coming". I reply as I increase my pace to catch up with her.
She takes her seat behind her well organized mahogany table and motions for me to take a seat. She adjusts her glasses, leans forward as she intertwines her hands on the desk and gives me a deep stare. I feel my whole body tense up and my features turn defensive as I mentally prepare for whatever Sheila's about to throw at me.
"You're late". She says calmly, almost as if it were a dreadful word and voicing it any louder would cause some kind of disaster. I don't speak. I only nod my head in response and refuse to look anywhere else but into her eyes. I'd grown a thick skin over the years and Sheila's mini therapy sessions won't make me cover.
"What happened today?"
I finally look away and take a deep calming breath. I wasn't expecting her to go straight to that particular question. It was an everyday question during our mini sessions but it usually came after some meaningless chit chat.
"That's not the reason why I'm late". My response is solemn and maybe it's a plea for her to steer the conversation in a light hearten direction. She nods, inhales deeply and leans back into her chair never taking her eyes off me for second.
"So something did happen then". She states and I know it's not a question.
I have never lied to Sheila ever since we started having these impromptu heart to heart talks. To be honest, ever since the issue with my mom, there was no mother figure in my life until Sheila. If a book should be written on my mild recovery since the breakdown of my life and family, it would be titled "Until Sheila". She is my savior and one of the few roots keeping my decayed self from crumbling to the ground and into the dirt where it should belong.
"I saw my mom today". I blurt out before I could stop myself and feel hot tears threatening to fall. I feel her besides me before I hear her loud gasp. She pulls me into her and I finally let the tears fall as I cry loudly into her shoulder. There are no words to explain this situation. I don't think any is needed. Believe it or not, I haven't cried in over a year and that's also been partly possible because I'd completely avoided my mom. Everything about her current situation makes me vulnerable and that's a part of me I'm trying so desperately to let go of.
Today's encounter opened up a lot of memories I'd put in the trash can in my head and now I can only cry harder as it plays continuously in my mind. I gently push Sheila away and furiously wipe away the tears.
"She doesn't deserve any of this". I say in reference to my tears.
Sheila is silent. I think it's because she wants me to say all I really want to say.
"I don't know how I feel about her anymore". I say quietly. "But I do miss her, a lot and the pain of not being able to do anything about it kills me.
Sheila nods in understanding but still doesn't say a word. We sit in silence for a while. It's started to rain now and the pitter patter of the rain offers a calming effect. Then I remember I still haven't heard from Giselle so I reach into my jacket for my phone and surprisingly, there's a missed call from her. But there's also message that reads:
"I'm at the waiting area".
I didn't hear my phone ring as I must have accidentally pushed the silent button on my phone and I had also turned off the vibration.
"Would you do something about it if you could? Sheila finally asks and I know she's referring to the situation with my mom. The first thing that comes to my mind is to ask her what kind of question is that but then I think really hard about it and I come up with the only answer that's been ringing in my head lately.
"I don't know anymore'.
She doesn't reply immediately, instead she walks back to her seat and sits back down. When she finally speaks, it's the one thing I'd dreaded since my life went downhill.
"You should consider what we talked about the last time". I remember the last time we talked about this; I'd stomped out of her office and didn't go to work for a whole week.
"I already said no".
"But your brother …" She starts to speak but I cut her off with a wave of my hand.
"My brother needs to take care of his own problems rather than hiding from it". I respond more angrily than I had meant to.
"He means well and wants what's best for you".
"I know".
She looks like she wants to argue but doesn't. That's the thing about Sheila, she isn't very good at being persuasive or maybe I'm just really stubborn and can't be convinced otherwise.
"Take the day off Ember". She says with finality in her tone. I nod and silently thank her with my eyes as I grab my stuff and walk out the door. I see Giselle waiting in the lobby with her nose buried in her phone, typing rather furiously, it's a surprise the phone hasn't broken into two. She looks up at the sound of Sheila's office door closing and immediately starts walking towards me. She pulls me into a bone crushing hug and soothingly rubs my back.
"I'm fine really". I whisper into her hair.
"I know". She whispers back and then hugs me tighter before pulling away.
"I got the day off". I tell her as we hold hands and walk to the exit.
"That's good". She responds cheerily. "We'll get ice-cream and head to our favorite spot".
"Okay". I reply smiling now as we walk to my car.
"Oh and Ember, check your mail". She says before sliding into the passenger side of my car. It takes me a moment to realize what she meant and it makes the smile on my face grows even wider.
For the first time in a long time, everything's falling into place.