Alone in the cluttered room, my skirt isn't enough to cover the sound of my weeping. Virgil creeps into the room, looking awkward.
"I-I'm sorry," I shudder, trying to catch my breath. But I can't stop the sobs and put my face back down.
To my surprise, I feel Virgil reach around and take me by the chin. He lifts my face up and reaches for my neck. I'm too confused to do anything, and then I hear a click. The voice lock.
"There," he says, so quiet I can barely hear it. "Now you can cry properly."
I feel my face crinkle up again at his words, and he creeps back out of the room. Without my voice, I can let out my tears without worrying about being heard. The tears rip through me until I finally run out and sit in silence. But even when I'm done, I don't have the energy to get back up again. More than that, though, I'm not sure I can handle Virgil's awkwardness. Because it was a familiar feeling. It reminded me too much of everyone else I used to live with. They would look at you, see that something was wrong, then turn their eyes away and never ask. Never offer any sympathy. And right now, I'm having a hard enough time holding myself together. I curl up and let sleep take me away from my painful thoughts.
I wake up from my uneasy sleep to Virgil picking me up from the floor. I cling weakly to his kimono as he carries me to the bed. I keep my gaze fixed on the floor, though.
Luckily he doesn't say anything either. He places me gently on the bed, but before I can curl up, he climbs on top of me and wraps his arms around me.
I know he's only doing it for himself. To get that comfort that vampires get from a warm body, or whatever it is. But this time I'm vulnerable. I've never been held his way by a fellow human, and even though I know better, I can't help but hope that this embrace is to comfort me. I know I'm lying to myself, imagining someone caring when they don't. But right now, I tell myself, I need it.
I don't react at all when he starts nuzzling into my neck, and he stops before he bites. He looks at me quizzically, but I just point at my neck lock.
He unlocks it and waits for me to speak without saying anything himself.
"Can we...sleep first?" I ask hesitantly.
"Will you be better then?"
I nod. "It'll be like nothing happened."
"Okay." And with that, he settles back into the bed, clinging to me from behind while I slip back into exhausted sleep.
I wake up in the middle of the night - well, day - and somehow manage to extricate myself from Virgil's grasp to get a drink of water. But in the quiet kitchen, I feel like I'm being watched. I take a stab at who it might be.
"Lucien? Is that you?"
A huge black panther stalks into the room, and it takes all my willpower to stand still and let it approach me. All the knowledge in the world won't stop instinct.
Even so, I get irritated. "Lucien, please."
Finally, he transforms back, though he looks unusually serious.
"Are you here to watch? Nothing interesting is going to happen." He stands up without replying, towering over me.
...But he's still naked. The kitchen is dark, but not dark enough. I look behind him and see his discarded clothes. He watches me in silence as I pick them up, but doesnt take them from me. I sigh and put his clothes back on him myself. When I pull his arm through the sleeve, he takes my right wrist. That hand is still unusable, held open by his lock.
"I can remove this for you," he says, fixing his eyes on mine. "But it won't be free."
I yank my hand out of his grasp. "I've had enough of 'not free'. I don't need it."
His eyes glitter. "You don't want it?"
"Isn't the more interesting question what you want?" I ask. "I thought you preferred hearing everything straight from me."
"Well, of course," he replies. "But there's no way you can right now," he says dismissively, "and I want it while it's fresh."
I narrow my eyes at him. "What makes you so sure of that? Why do you keep making assumptions about me?"
Lucien raises his eyebrows skeptically. "Can you really reveal something so raw to someone who doesn't care at all?"
This time I'm the one who shoots him a wry smile. "Are you so sure everything you just said is true?" A look of surprise flits across his face, and I push him into the main room. "Go on. I'll tell you what you want to know."
He's back to his usual composed self when I sit down across from him, and I find my previous confidence deflating a little. But I'm not going to lose this chance.
"Lucien, it seemed like you had heard of me. But it seems like all you knew was that I was some weird thrall who tried to talk to vampires like she was a friend."
He nods.
"And, as I'm sure you've guessed, that kind of life is painful. It hurts to act like friends with people who see you as a tool - even though that was the whole reason I did it, to change people's minds."
His expression doesn't change.
"But it still hurts every time. And in fact, I want it to."
He leans forward slightly.
"Haven't you guessed the patterns behind my fears? They are all the lack of something. The lack of freedom. The lack of empathy. But that also means...the lack of emotion."
"You choose to be in pain rather than to go numb," he murmurs. "That is why I like you."
I ignore the last part of what he said. "More or less, yes. I refuse to lose my capacity to feel properly. So...in a weird way, I'm happy when I can cry. Even if it's alone."
"But this time, you're truly alone." He's leaned even closer to me now, but he isn't smiling. It's hard for me to guess exactly what he's thinking.
"You mean...the other thralls?" He nods. "I was alone then, too. Otherwise...I might never have turned to this idea in the first place."
Lucien looks puzzled. "Explain."
"Well…" I can't meet his gaze anymore. "I'm not...liked by other people. You should understand, you're the same. The reasons you 'like' me aren't about who I am at all. They're about who I can be for you." He stays silent, and I continue. "I could never-" My voice threatens to break, but I push through. "I could never get anyone to care for me the way I cared for them. So I figured I could show it in a different way. If I couldn't get them to value me for me, then maybe I could get them to value me for what I could do for them."
"Hmmm."
"Don't get me wrong," I add hastily. "I do truly care about what I'm doing. But... there's more to it."
"It's good to admit your motivations aren't selfless," he says, leaning back.
I just nod in response. If he thought that was going to hurt me, he's underestimated me yet again. But when I look up, his face is completely serious. He's not mocking me at all.
"Lucien," I begin. He cocks his head to the side.
"Thank you." He can't hide the shock on his face. "I don't know why you're pretending this is some kind of cruelty."
"I'm not here to comfort you," he replies.
"That's fine," I shoot back. "Comfort alone is meaningless. But understanding is much more useful. So thank you."
He can't respond back this time. I silently stand up and leave the room.