A shitty year...so many things happened.
I failed my nmat exam.
I suffered multiple episodes of depression.
I was constantly reminded of how worthless I am..
I got in a relationship with a guy I had been in love with for a long time that lasted a day. I was in love with someone who lied about being in love with me for years. Who asked me to be his girlfriend out of pity.
I got involved in a one night stand with someone I liked who said he felt the same, who never contacted me again..
I found out my dad was cheating. He denied it and beat my siblings and locked them out of the house. When things settled, we discovered that he had herniated lumbar disc and needed surgery.
Met a guy recently..a cool, nice liar
..it was nice while it lasted.. He texted me after a while..we met and went out for a ride...he took me home, went back to work and then came back to pick me up again..later, he dropped me off and said he'd text me soon...he didn't.
A week has gone by already..we made plans to meet yesterday, his off day.. He didn't text..we didnt meet. He lied.
Yet, I find myself looking for him when I walk on the road, checking the face of every motorcycle rider..
Even when I tell myself to forget him and not think bout him, I find myself constantly checking my phone for his texts..that never came..
I keep thinking, asking myself, "where is he?" " what is he doing?" "Why isn't he texting, coming?" "Has he forgotten me already, or realised that I wasn't worth it? That I was an ugly fatty not worth his time?" " Has he discovered the truth?"..
And now, I'm outside, a part of me hoping he'll show up...
Pathetic.
Somehow, for some unknown, sick reason, I'm stuck in a shitty love story where I always end up falling for the wrong guys..
This year, my heart was turned into a soccer ball that was kicked around for fun..I have only the pieces of remains..I can't have it whole anymore, even though I try to piece it all together, the cracks remain and some days, fall apart again..
Someone, please save me...
But there's no one..
2019, what a shitty year...