I know..
I know I have depression.
I know I have anxiety. I tense up when I go out and I talk a lot and practice endlessly in my mind what to say when I go to public places..
Its such a drag.
This is why I don't like going out. I like being an introvert.
I know that there are people that love me. I know my family does, in their own way. But this depression won't let me accept that.
Sure, one day I accept it then the next, I see their faces in my head. Grinning, laughing, saying they hate me and I'm stupid for thinking I could be loved.
I'm drowning, I tried to swim but its useless, I can't seem to move, I can only sink.
I want to get better.
My sister suggested that I go see a psychiatrist but I don't want to. I feel like going would mean I'm a sick person. I mean, I know I am but still. I don't want to be treated that way.
I wish someone would understand.
They tell me, "cheer up".
"Be happy."
"Don't be sad."
"Calm down."
No shit! Why didn't I think bout that?
Its annoying and sad.
There's this guy that claimed to be my friend, he saw my post about depression and asked what's up. I told him I was feeling down and he said ok and said I should stop feeling that way, I should stop being sad. He asked me why i was even sad? That there isn't really any reason. I told him that its not easy to open up, and its not like I can control how I feel.
People usually mistake sadness for depression. That's really annoying and sad.
I saw a post online that described the feeling of being depressed and I sent him the link. I told him to read about it and know what it really is and he got mad.
He got angry, saying I was insulting him for thinking he didn't know what it was. I tried as calmly as I could to tell him to just read it, even if he doesn't want to help me, he should read it so that he won't be as insensitive to others as he was to me. He refused to listen and continued acting childish which I told him. I told him I just wanted him to understand it better...but he got really mad and began to insult me.
Later that day, he chatted me up and told me that he read it and he understands now. I just said okay.
Heck, what a friend.