Warning before reading this chappy!; It has some suicide attempt in it. If you are uncomfortable, please skip.
I was numbed.
The feeling of unwanted and uneasy, I just wanted to fade away. Everything was too much for me to bear. I was tired of living.
Why me
I tried to be normal.
I tried to be invisible.
I just wanted to fade away.
I just wanted to be forgotten.
I was no one.
I didn't have anyone.
What was my essence?
I was tired of living.
I was tired of living in the shadow.
I wanted to be myself.
I wanted to be heard.
I wanted to be seen.
But I knew...
It was impossible.
Because I was no one.
I woke up at the hospital bed frantically, screaming at top of my lungs. The doctor came in and checked on me. As he was asking, "how are you feeling?" I couldn't answer.
How was I feeling?
Was it important?
I was no one!.
And I would always be no one.
I didn't answer him, I just chuckled and mumbled out 'fine', whereas I was having emotional turmoil.
The doctor went out of the room saying he was coming back not before telling me that my crutches were beside the bed if I needed to use the bathroom.
He said I had some broken ribs and my right leg was broken also. The crutches would help for the main time.
As he went out, I yanked the IV from my vein urgently, I needed to escape before he returned.
I looked at the bathroom back to the door, where should I go?. They would find me easily in the bathroom.
I walked out of the door with my crutches, helping me with my movement. I walked to the elevator and pressed it to the last floor; the rooftop but it wasn't working.
That was my escape link.
I struggled out of the elevator to walk to the stair. As I took a step and another, I missed my steps and fell; rolling on the stairs. I bit my lips hard to muffled my cries.
I stood up wobbling again, I started chanting,' I can do it'.
When I reached the last stairs, I opened the door and breath in the fresh air. I was sweating profusely, as I was breathing in my chest was heaving, my rib bones were protesting.
I realized my crutches and crawled to the end stream. I looked down and saw the moving wheels.
That was my opportunity to escape.
I closed my eyes to felt my environment one more time, different sounds and smell assault my senses. A lone tear trailed from my left eye. I was finally free. I would soon meet my parents.
Mama, papa I'm coming, I thought.
I counted from one to three as I wanted to jump down the rooftop, I was held back.
I struggled in the person's arm to release me. I thrashed around and screamed but the arms never left me.
"It's okay" the familiar voice hushed me while I nodded frantically. It was never okay.
"I hated you" I sobbed, hitting his chest.
"I know" he replied.
"You make my life miserable"
"I know".
"I never do anything to you but you do everything to hurt me" I cried.
"I know"
I yanked myself away from him and moved back," you think you know everything but you never know a damn thing" I screamed at top of my voice, I was frustrated.
"You don't know me. You don't know what I'd gone through. But you made me suffer" I wailed loudly.
"I'm sorry," he said remorsefully.
"Sorry can't do anything because what's done is done. Don't try to stop me. I'm not needed" I said coldly, turning my back to him.
"I need you Adiya, you are my living prayer, you completed me. I know I'm an asshole. I've done so many things that can't be redone but please give me a chance" he begged.
"No!" I shouted frantically, "no one needs me even my parents left me and in this cruel world. Everyone does leave me because I'm unfortunate" I whispered softly.
"I was seven years old when my parents were burnt alive and I was held down to watched" I laughed sadly. "I lived with my uncle's, I thought I'd a solace there but trust me he was finding a way to eliminate the obstruction; which was me" I sobbed, remembering my uncle fake promises.
"I thought I was loved and accepted but fate was mocking me. My uncle broke me but you Zaid" I pointed an accused finger at him, "damaged me than repair".
"My uncle gave me to the assassins to killed but life was crucial" I smiled.
"Do you know what they did to me. To my thirteen years old body?" I asked while he shook his head.
"They Raped Me" I shouted, holding my head," they raped me continuously without stopping and top of the man who burnt my parents was there. They had the fun in my body, they beat me. They tortured me mentally and emotionally. I was used! But I still I'd faith that everything will be good and okay." I was a sobbing mess.
"After they were through with having fun, they disposed of me, the threw my used body inside the canal for me to die, if not for a good person who carried me to the hospital" I sniffed.
"I was in the coma for good Three Months, no one came to ask of me. No one knew I was existing. Do you know what?" I asked him as he opened his mouth to reply, I didn't let him before I continued.
"The doctor said I was three months pregnant" I smiled, "thirteen years old, an orphan girl who was raped was three months pregnant for unknown men," I said, "but I still have faith and believe that everything would be okay". I scoffed, thinking of myself at that time. I was roaming about in my tattered linen cloth. Begging and struggling for food.
I wasn't sobbing or wailing but tears continued to stream from my eyes duct." I escaped at the hospital because I didn't want to be questioned by the police or news. I ran away from the hospital bills, I ran away because I was scared or my uncle and the men would find me" I said.
"Where is the baby now?" He asked me softly.
"The baby" I scoffed," I'd a painful contraction when I wanted to give to the baby. I was hawking that faithful day when my water broke. I couldn't go to the hospital because I didn't have money and that was the only hospital in our village. I gave birth to my baby boy who I named Hassan which mean "goodness" at the dumping in our village. A died child, I cried that day, I used both hands to crawl the ground and buried half of me there. But I still have faith and believe that everything would be okay" I sniffed.
I remembered my baby lifeless face, his small nose, lips.
"I worked my ass off every morning and night, I read and study hard to get a scholarship and leave my past behind me but I still have faith and believe that everything would be okay" I joked., "And you made me remember that we can't continue to run away from our past because it continues to follow us wherever we go"
"Then, I met you. I was shocked when you told me you loved me. Who could love someone like me?, I rejected you. And you promised to make my life a living hell. I overlooked the comment because I'd passed through more than that but I still have faith and believe that everything would be okay".
"Then the pain and hurt intensive because I love you, I was hurt because of you. I tried to run from you because we are not in the same league but it was impossible" I stated.
"You made me fall in love with you and hurt me. It's true that the person you love and care for the most is the person who hurt you the most. Then you and Becky planned to break me by opening my past. But you know what?. Congratulations, You've damaged me. My faith and believe that everything would be okay was tarnished" I looked far away from him.
"You promised me that I would wish for death but death won't come. It's true I'm wishing for it but it is not coming" I smiled.
"I want to die, I want to forget everything, I want to be in peace but because I can get to do it".
"Please just release me to go" I pleaded.
"No Adiya, I can't let you go because if you go I'll follow you".
.
.
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