I smirked and tried to hide the embarrassment I felt upon seeing his reaction. He seemed not to like the idea that I love him as a man. There was no sign he was happy hearing it and I was forced to take it back. Or to reroute the accidental declaration of my feelings. He might love somebody else. Somebody but not me.
If this is a form of unrequited love, then I don't want to be in it - I might get suffocated by my own emotions. Sana ganoon kadaling burahin 'tong nararamdaman ko para kay Friedan. Like a blink in the eye. I can just close my eyes for the things I don't want to see; but my heart can never stop from feeling the things I didn't want to feel.
That moment, I had to take back and retreat from the battle that my heart had long wished. Ngumiti ako ng tipid habang nakatingin sa gwapo niyang mukha, saka ko sinabi, "We grew up almost like siblings Friedan. I love you as my brother. Why, don't you love me as your sister?"
His faced turned into a confusion. It was as if he's expecting something. A response that I failed to deliver. He was searching my face, searching for answers from every movements of my facial muscles. I was steady, staring him blankly. "I care for you more than you'll ever know." He chuckled and I smelt his minty breathe again. "Ofcourse I love you, you are my little sister Kiera. I may seldom say it but I always show how I care about you. If I fail, dad would definitely drag me to where he is right now."
I faked a smile. My chest was filled with rocks I can't almost carry. I was a sad sack dancing infront of the guy I love. The guy who would never love me the same way.
"Happy birthday Kiera," he whispered softly then hugged me tightly -a bear hug. I felt his warmth against my body. Napapikit ako at niyakap siya pabalik. Marahil ay hahayaan ko na lang nakatago ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. It would save me from hurting further.
Maybe it could.
***
Maaga akong pumasok sa school dahil ayokong magpang-abot kami ni Friedan sa kusina. It would take forever for me to disregard my feelings for him. Avoiding him may be very obvious but it's better that way. I left him a note, thanking him for his surprise last night and notifying him I was up early for school due to some projects.
A total lie.
It was my way to escape the moment with him. Save myself from hurting and maybe it could help me move on. Hindi pa nga nagiging kami, ni hindi pa niya ako nililigawan at hindi ko pa siya sinasagot. Hindi pa kami naghihiwalay, nasasaktan na ako't heto nagmomove -- on sa isang damdaming ako lang ang may gusto.
I can never have him.
That's what I felt last night when he told me he love me as his sister. All the good things he'd done for me-- both sweet and not-- those were acts done because of the responsibility or a promise he swore to his father, Dr. Roberts. They weren't for love --a love of a man to a woman-- because he didn't see it that way. To him I was his little sister that needed his care as a guardian. It ended there and it is for me to accept and carry within.
Naputol ang pagmumuni-muni ko sa isang bench na nasa ilalim ng malalaking puno nang maghiyawan ang mga babae sa bungad ng university. Napabuntong hininga ako nang mapagtanto kong si Phelan na naman ang pinagkakaguluhan ng mga estudyanteng araw-araw na nakaabang sa kanyang pagdating. Kanina ngang pagpasok ko sa gate ng school ay napansin ko na ang hawak ng mga itong banners, bulaklak at kung ano-anu pang pakulo ng mga ito para lang mapansin ng lalaki. Naalala kong kaaraan pala niya ngayong araw kaya nag-abala na naman ang mga fans nito para sa kanya.
That guy.
I need to know what really happened to him in their basement. Why would a group of outcross visit their house and perform a ceremony before the lunar eclipse? Bakit pakiramdam ko'y may kaugnayan ang nangyayari sa katawan ko sa mga pangyayari kay Phelan? Muntik ko nang makalimutan ang lahat dahil sa nangyari kagabi.
I won't let it pass. Siguro nga'y mas mabuting pagtuonan ko ng pansin ang tungkol sa pagkatao ko at sa nangyari kay Phelan kagabi. It will be a distraction from this feeling that bugs me inside. Phelan can be a great distraction.
Patayo na ako sa kinauupuan kong bench nang tumambad saakin ang bulto ng isang matangkad na lalaki. Nakasimangot ito at seryosong nakatitig ang nangungusap na mga mata na napapaligiran ng makakapal na pilik-mata. His full kissable lips, the cleft chin, cheekbones and that jawline were still there but they looked different. They looked more manly --transformed. Mukhang may nagbago sa aura ng lalaki. He looked stronger and more masculine.
"What's with my face that you can't stop staring?" maangas niyang sabi. His tone started to ridicule me. Again. He crossed his arms as he waited for me to speak.
Napalunok ako. Mukhang isa ngang malaking distraction ang lalaking ito. Pero bakit parang pakiramdam ko'y hinihila ako ng isang malakas na pwersa palapit sa kanya? Parang may isang magneto sa katawan ng lalaki at ako'y mistulang isang malaking bakal na hindi makailag sa kanya.
"Speak before you waste my time." He sighed. His face looking up at the clear blue sky then went back to mine. "Actually you already wasted almost a minute of my time. So why don't you take this and let's get this over with!" Inabot nito ang music book na ilang araw ding nakatago sa kanya.
Wala sa huwisyo kong inabot ang music book habang nakatitig sa kanya. Bakit parang may nag-iba sa itsura ng lalaki? Naisaloob ko. Bakit parang nararamdaman ko ang malakas na enerhiyang dumadaloy sa bawat ugat niya? Anong nangyari?
Tumalikod si Phelan at walang pasabing naglakad palayo. Nakailang hakbang ito nang tumigil at muli akong nilingon. He raised an eyebrow. His thick eyebrow that made him look like a demon- a handsome demon. "So are you gonna be mute til I disappear or you're going to say something?" he sounded soliciting for words.
"T-thank you," tanging sambit ng bibig ko. Hindi ko makapa ang sasabihin sa lalaki. Pakiramdam ko'y may alam ito sa mga nangyayari sa paligid. Pakiramdam ko'y alam nito ang pagkatao ko. Base kasi sa kinikilos niya'y parang kilala na niya ako at alam na niya ang intensyon ko. "W-where have you been the whole party?" matapang kong tanong.
Nag-iba ang kanina'y kampanteng ekspresyon ng mukha nito. I saw his hands gathered into fists. His jaw clenched tighter. "You know where I've been Kiera, but it is not the right time to talk about it. It is not safe for you... for us."
Tila isang malakas na boltahe ng kuryente ang tumama sa buong katawan ko. My heart started thumping so fast that it nearly became deafening. Alam ni Phelan ang mga nangyayari? Is he an outcross? Kung totoo mang isa siyang human outcross, bakit hindi ko maramdaman ang itim na dugo sa kanya? Bakit iba ang nararamdaman ko?
Bumaling ako sa kinatatayuan ng lalaki. Magtatanong na pa sana ako tungkol sa mga nalalaman nito kahit na binalaan na niya ako pero wala na ito sa harap ko. Hinagilap ko ang paligid at nagbakasakaling makita ko kahit ni anino niya pero nabigo ako. Phelan exited swiftly like no ordinary human could do.
Laman ng isip ko si Phelan pagpasok ko sa una kong klase. Naupo ako sa likuran. Wala akong ganang makinig ngayon sa lecture ng matandang dalagang professor namin sa World Literature. Isinandal ko ang aking likuran at napapikit para makapagpahinga. My eyes have been aching due to the fake eyeglasses I'm wearing. It never made me feel normal.
With my eyes closed, I felt the movements around me. Even the forms of energy that flow on different bodies. I felt something unusual.
"So what's our lesson for today?" isang boses babae ang naupo sa tabi ko. Sinundan 'yon ng isa pang katawang naupo sa harapan ko. Rumina and Kelvin.
Kaagad akong nagmulat nang maramdaman ko ang presensya nina Rumina at Kelvin. Anong ginagawa ng dalawang ito sa classroom?
Rumina voluntarily explained, nakasuot ito ng itim na blouse at skinny jeans and chuck taylor shoes, may dalang bag at libro. "We're classmates!"
"What?" gulat kong sabi.
Kelvin, seated infront of me, smiled as he looked over his shoulders to confirm what Rumina said.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Why are they even here?
"You need protection Kiera. Sirius sent us." Rumina whispered. "This is going to be fun!"
"Why would Sirius send you here? I am safe! I can protect myself!"
"The LOU just sent us. Naramdaman nila ang pagdami ng mga outcross sa paligid after the lunar eclipse. So we're here! To protect and to serve." Kelvin blurted out. "And we're not allowed to do anything further than that."
Natawa si Rumina. "LOU enrolled us here ng walang kahirap-hirap. And guess what?" pambibitin ng babae.
"What? Come on Rumina, I hate suspense movies!"
"The old professor of this subject, who you've been praying to retire soon is out!" untag ng babae sa tabi ko. Saka napatingin sa pintuan kung saan naroon ang papasok na bagong professor ng World Literature.
The new professor was sexy in her body hugging uniform and full-red lips. Nakalugay din ang pulang buhok nito na lagpas-balikat. She walked like a queen in her 5 inches heels. She was wearing eyeglasses but I can definitely tell who she is.
"Good morning class?" her voice made me tremble. Nakatuon ang tingin nito sa kinaroroonan ko. Hindi ako kaagad nakakilos. Nabato ako sa kinauupuan.
"V-Vega..."
###