WARNING: SPG
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Chapter 59 – Day
• JANINA NICOLE FORTALEZA •
It has been a month.
It has been a month since my make-up artist and stylist passed away.
A lot of things happened. Madami talaga. Pero I think ako, dito lang ako sa little room ko. The month flew by really slowly for me. Kasi wala naman akong ginagawa. Pinipili kong mag-isa. Masakit din kasi talaga yung pagka-lost ni Shibama for me. Kung si Ynna nga ay nasaktan na nawala sa kanya si Shibama, what more for me? I was the one who knew it all from the very start. I was the one who hoped for the longest time na gagaling din siya pero in the end, iniwan niya rin kami. I was the one who was with him for 10 years. So it really isn't going to be easy for me.
Sometimes nabibigla nga ako sa self ko eh. Parang mas malakas kasi ako sa inakala kong ako. I thought one month after his death would still be full of misery for me, at konsiyensya sa sarili ko, but then, I feel nicer, I feel at peace. I think tinutulungan pa din ako ni Shibama kahit wala na siya. At ang ganda kasi ng support system ko din right now kasi nakakapag-usap na kami openly ni mama at papa. Alynna naman on the other side, is very mabait pa din sa akin. Akala ko nga magkakaroon siya ng galit sa akin for that incident and for everything else that I have done to her. Pero wala. She really is an angel at ang laking bagay din niya para sa recovery ko. To think na siya mismo ay need mag recover ah. She is really a strong girl and I am very happy to be her sister. It is a privilege to be her sister.
I have realized a lot of things in life too. I have realized that life is really indeed beautiful. Yung mga nakikita ko noon nung nasa NYC pa ako, yung mga panahon na sobrang galit na galit pa ako kay Alynna, those were the times that I have been blinded by my own demons. I realized that all you really have to develop is your faith in God. And when you have that na, everthing will just go exactly how He planned it to be. Mawawala na yung fear mo sa mundo and everything will all be alright.
When I was in NYC, I think nag-develop kasi ako doon ng depression. Yung sinisisi ko lahat ng tao. Yung feeling ko aping-api ako. Then I realized that I am just really selfish back then. Hindi naman kasi sa akin umiikot ang mundo eh. Pero the good thing is that na-realize ko pa din lahat ng iyon. And right now, here I am, trying to grow up. I am trying to change myself one step at a time. I know malayo pa ang tatahakin kong daan para maging same levels kami ni Ynna when in comes to kabaitan and all, but at least I am trying. And I know Shibama is happy up there seeing me trying to be the best version of myself.
Lastly, na-realize ko na life is really short. We do not know kung kelan tayo kukunin ni Lord. Kaya naman, if you love someone you have to tell it now. You have to make sure that they know how you are feeling towards them. Para sa huli, wala kang pagsisisihan. Para sa huli, you will die happily just like Shibama. Maikli man ang naging buhay niya ay alam kong worth it lahat yun kasi naging masaya siya sa naging run ng life niya. And I hope mine will be like that too.
Minsan nag-chachat kami ni Ynna sa Line/Viber at kinakamusta ko sila ni Sky. She said na okay naman sila. She is slowly getting back to her bubbly self again. I know na may sugat pa din sa heart niya pero I know that Sky is always there naman to see to it sa kanya that there is more to life than suffering. To be honest, ayoko si Sky as a friend and as a person, pero as a lover for my sister, I cannot think of anyone else better than him. He is the perfect fit for my sister. And I am happy they found each other.
Si Dylan naman, okay na kami. Hindi na nga lang namin nabalik yung dati naming selves. Nagr-resign na rin siya as personal trainer ko. Hindi na daw niya kasi kaya makita pagmumukha ko kasi bumabalik-balik daw sa kanya yung pagtatago na ginawa ko, bumabalik daw lagi sa kanya yung sakit every time he sees me. Which I understand naman. Walang hard feelings actually. I can say that I have really matured a lot. Hindi sumama ang loob ko kay Dylan and I think he is doing the right thing pa nga.
In the last month, I have been doing a lot of things not for myself but for others. I have been always checking on Ynna and how she is doing. Kinakamusta ko din lagi si mama at si papa regarding our business. I even offered my help din. Also, I have been submitting Shibama's works and designs to every top fashion company in the country para naman makilala si Shibama. Alam kong wala na siya pero I strongly believe that his works need to be seen. They need to be discovered. I know that I am month too late to do this, he is dead for crying out loud, but still, better late than never. Kung sumikat naman si Shibama ngayon alam kong matutuwa pa din siya from heaven. I just want to do what I think I should have done noon pa.
Minsan ang sarap din pala sa pakiramdam na nag-cacare ka sa ibang tao. Yung inaalala mo sila lagi. Ngayon ko lang kasi talaga nagawa to. All these years, puro sarili ko lang kasi ang inaatupag ko. I realized na kapag may mga iniingatan kang tao, ang sarap din pala sa pakiramdam. Yung may mga chine-checkout kang tao from time to time. It's fulfilling. Kaya pala kahit mahirap lang ang life nila Ynna sa province, masaya sila. Ngayon ko lang napagtatanto-tanto lahat. Late, but still, napagtanto ko pa din naman 'di ba?
*Ting*
A Facebook chat?
Matagal na din akong walang nakaka-chat sa Facebook ah. I deactivated kasi my account. And ngayon ko lang naisipan na i-activate ulit. Wala lang. Feeling ko kasi I have moved on na din sa lahat ng bad things that have happened. It's time to start anew na.
I looked at my messenger and medyo lumaki ang mata ko sa taong nag-chat sakin. Akala ko galit siya sakin. Di naman kasi nagpaparamdam. Akala ko nga bumalik na siya sa girlfriend niya eh. Balita ko kasi may boyfriend nanaman daw si witch Farrah. But then, look at him, chatting me now. Ano kayang meron? Pero infairness, na-miss ko 'tong mokong na to.
Dave: Hey, what's up?
Janina: Hey.
Dave: Are you okay now? It's been a month.
Janina: Yes, I am. I am better and I think I have recovered na din.
Dave: That's great. Miss na kita eh.
Hala? Parang may butterflies sa stomach ko bigla. Miss niya ako? Kinilig naman ako dun - konti lang ha.
Janina: Haha.
Luh? Bakit yan lang ang reply ko. Weird.
Dave: Baka naman.
Janina: Baka naman ano?
Dave: Baka naman pwede ko na ituloy panliligaw ko sayo?
What?! That's so straightforward. Akala ko sila na ulit ni Farrah. Akala ko kinalimutan na niya ako. Liligawan niya ako ulit? Bakit pa? Para saan pa? Pwede naman kami nalang ulit ah? Kailangan pa ba ng ligaw? Uso pa ba yun?
Janina: What for?
Dave: I told you I want to know you better.
Dave: You haven't told me about what happened at NYC yet.
Oo nga pala. Di ko pa rin nasasabi sa kanya until now. Hindi ko naman kasi alam kung kakayanin ko sabihin sa kanya yun. Lalo na ngayon that he wants to court me. Kapag nalaman niya yun, for sure, he will walk away. Kaya nga sana di nalang nya malaman eh. Yung maging kami nalang ulit. Start anew. Walang halukayan ng past.
Janina: If I tell you, you'll walk away.
Dave: I won't. I promise.
Janina: You're just saying that because you haven't heard it yet. Well, mag-rea-ready na ba akong iwanan mo ko? Mukhang mapilit ka kasi.
Dave: I won't leave you.
Dave: And I won't let you go.
Dave: Never again.
There he goes again with his sweet words. Ang sarap pakinggan. Pero something about me is still very scared sa magiging reaksyon ni Dave kapag nalaman niya ang totoo. Hindi ako makapag-all-out na kilig because of that.
Dave: See you tomorrow at lunch, I'll fetch you.
Dave Buenavista is now offline.
Hala?
Tomorrow at lunch time?
Sususnduin niya ako?
My goodness!
Itong lalaking ito talaga. Hindi man lang tinanong kung gusto ko man lang sumama. He's always like that!
'And those are his traits that made you fall in love.' said the little voice in my head.
Well, yeah, I won't deny it at all.
Yung pagiging pursigido ni Dave sa akin. Yung hindi niya ako binibigyan ng choice. Yung susurpresahin niya ako every time. Yung kahit wala namang event or something, he will always be there. Those were the few things talaga that made me fall for him.
Knowing him, he will really go to my house tomorrow. Dito na kasi ako ulit tumira sa bahay nila mom and dad after Shibby's death. And unfortunately, Mom and dad and all our maids know him as my boyfriend since then kaya for sure papapasukin lang siya at i-e-entertain pa. I feel like wala na akong choice kundi sumama sa kanya. Wala na akong choice kundi malaman niya yung totoo. I really don't wanna lose him that's why I don't want to tell him the truth but I guess there's no other way out.
Sana maging tulad din kami ng love story nila Ynna and Sky. Yung tipong they started na puro pretending lang on both sides pero ngayon, totoo na lahat. They love each other for who they are. Wala nang pretenses. I'll have to try that with Dave tomorrow. Sana matanggap niya ako sa mga pinaggagawa ko sa sarili ko sa NYC. Sana tanggapin pa din niya kung sino ako at the end. But if not, I will accept that. And move on. Madami na din naman akong pinagdaanan sa life ko. And I have lost Dave once na din - sa sarili ko ding kasalanan. So if I have to lose him twice in this life time, siguro I deserve it. Siguro karma ko na yun.
-
The morning came and I am fucking nervous.
All night ako nag-practice kung paano ko sasabihin kay Dave yung mga nangyari sa akin. I want it to look like di naman masyado grabe yung nangyari sa akin kaso wala talaga eh. Kahit anong practice ko grabe talaga yung nangyari. Parang there is no way to sugar coat it at all.
I went nalang to my closet and started to choose what I will be wearing. I ended up wearing a purple flowy dress na sleeveless. To be honest, ngayon nalang ako ulit magde-dress na sleeveless. Nung nagkapasa-pasa kasi ako noon ay nahiya na ako mag-dress. Pero ngayon na magaling naman na, I decided to go back na to my usual style. And of course, aaminin ko na din na gusto ko talagang mag look best for Dave. I want to impress him. Kahit man lang sa damit, kasi for sure what I will be saying to him later on will not impress him at all.
*Knock knock*
"Miss Janina, naghihintay na po sa sala si Mr. Dave." Sabi ng maid namin.
"Sure, yaya. I'll be there in sec." sagot ko sa yaya namin. God. Nandyan na si Dave. Hindi ko namalayan na ang tagal ko palang pumili ng damit. Inabot na ko ng tanghali. At si Dave naman, always on time. I knew he was gonna show up. Pero parang ang bilis naman ng mga pangyayari. Hindi pa ako handa. Hindi pa yata ako handang umamin. Oh well, bahala na. What will happen will happen, anyway.
I went down our stairs and saw a very handsome young man smiling at me. Napangiti ako dahil mukhang naghanda din siya. Ang gwapo niya. He's always gwapo naman. Pero extra ang preparation niya ngayon. I know that because I know him.
"Shall we?" he started.
I just smiled. I feel nervous kasi. And kahit anong positivity ang isipin ko, natatakot talaga ako sa magiging reaction ni Dave. I just want this day to end.
I really do.
-
Hinawakan ni Dave ang kamay ko at pinagbuksan niya ako ng pintuan ng kotse niya. Naaalala ko pa nung huli niya akong sinakay dito sa kotse na 'to. Yun yung moment na hinatid niya ako papunta sa MMA building. Yun yung moment na I left him for my dreams. I cringe at how crazy I was back then.
"I have bad memories in this car, you know." I started. I wasn't looking at him. I was just looking on the road. Nag-start na kasi siyang mag-drive. San nga ba kami pupunta? He did not tell me anything.
"I know. Me too." He said. Hindi rin siya nakatingin sakin. "But I want to erase that." he continued.
"Can we still do that?" I said, still looking on the road.
"Yes, we can, if you tell me the truth." he said. Tumingin ako sa kanya this time. Hindi ko mabasa ang reaction niya. Ang weird. He looks calm. Parang sa aming dalawa ako lang talaga yung kinakabahan.
"Stop the car." I said, looking at him now.
"Why?" he asked. Magkatinginan na kami.
"I-I just want to." sabi ko. God. What am I saying? And what am I doing? Bakit ko ba pinatigil yung car? I don't know. I have gotten crazy!
Pero tinigil naman niya yung car. He followed my command. Nag-park lang siya sa gilid, yung tipong wala masyadong cars and tao. I do not know what part of Manila na din kami napadpad. He is looking at me directly to my eyes. I know he is waiting for my explanation. I owe him that explanation, I know that. But ngayon na hinihintay na nya ito, I feel really nervous. I know he deserves to know the truth. But bakit ang hirap. Bakit kapag si Dave, ang hirap.
But I guess I have no choice. Did I say earlier that I really want this day to end na? So I guess, I have to say it na. No sugar coating. Just exactly what happened. Kung iiwanan man ako ni Dave after nito, I deserve that. Alam kong I'm starting to cry already but I wiped my tears and started to tell him all the things I have been avoiding to tell him all these months.
"Sex slave, that's what happened to me." I started on point. Hindi siya kumurap. For sure nagulat siya. I know anytime he's gonna walk away pero while's he's still here, tinuloy ko nalang.
"Alynna was the model that they really wanted and not me. They did not treat me well. And the owner's husband wanted to get me laid. And so I did him." Blank pa din ang face ni Dave even though my words were harsh. I think he wants me to go on. Kahit nakakahiya, I still went on. I keep on saying to myself that this day will end anyway. It will end anyway.
"And while we were doing it, we got caught by Valeria, the owner. –
"She then placed me in stock room and allowed all her male employees to take advantage of me whenever they want."
I stopped for a second. I need to breathe. Hindi rin kasi madali na binabalik-balikan ko yung mga nangyaring yun sa akin. Pero for Dave, I will do it. Pero I need to breathe in and breathe out from time to time. Magsasalita na sana ako ulit para matapos na yung paghihirap ko when Dave hugged me.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa ginawa ni Dave. Isn't he going to be mad at me? Why is he doing this? Why is he so kind? Do I even deserve him and his love? I was a slut... and a whore.
"Stop." He said to my ear while still hugging me. I knew it. Hindi niya kayang marinig ng buo yung storya. Hindi niya kayang magpaka-martyr at marinig yun.
"A-Aren't you gonna leave?" I asked, already sobbing. Umalis na ako sa pagkakahug niya sa akin.
"No."
"Why?"
"Because you were honest."
"Huh?" I said. I'm confused. What is going on? Where is all of this coming from?
"I just want your honesty, Janina. I want to know if you will tell me the truth. I want to know if I am one of the few people in this earth that you will share this experience. And I am happy that I am." He said with a tear in his eye.
What is going on?
Does it mean that...
"How'd you know?" I asked him. How did he know about it?
"Alynna."
"What?" I was shocked. So Alynna told Dave about it? Since... when?
"How long—" he did not let me finish.
"Since Bohol." he said while looking straight to my eyes.
"What? Why?" I do not know what I was saying. I just feel like I need to say something. I am... confused.
"Your sister loves you so much. She said it in a way that I will still understand you and where you are coming from. She made sure that after she fixes her relationship with Sky, you will fix yours with me."
"Sh-She? Did. That?" I was already crying. Oh God, why do I have to deserve all these beautiful people in my life?
"You are loved. You are loved by me, by your sister, by Shibama, and by your family."
"I know." I am still sobbing! Gosh! I am so blessed.
"I love you."
"How come you can still love me after all that?" I asked him.
"I don't know. It's just what I feel. Nung una ko ngang nalaman kay Ynna yun, I was devastated. But I was able to move on. And right now, I am ready to start anew. If you are willing to..."
"Willing to what?" I cut him.
"...Be mine again."
After he finished his last sentence, I cried like a baby. I am Janina Fortaleza, matapang akong babae. Pero when you have a man right in front of you na willing to start a new life with you after all the mess that you have made in your life, it just means that you are very lucky. It means na hindi mo na kailangan itago ang soft side mo sa kanya kasi you know that he will accept you for who you are. I am so lucky to have him. I am so lucky for all the people in my life.
"Of course!" I cried while I kissed him torridly. I want to do him right now in his car, to continue what we were supposed to do before I went out to leave him for New York. Gusto kong bumawi. I want him in me right now.
But then he stopped kissing me back and started to drive the engine. I do not know where we are going. I don't care anymore. As long as I am with him. I will be fine. I will be okay. I will be happy.
Oh God, could this day get any better?
-
Nakita ko nalang na hininto ni Dave yung kotse sa harap ng Waikiki hotel. I had an idea naman na dito niya ako dadalhin kasi ito talaga yung 'wild place' namin since then. It's just so cute that after everything, dito din talaga ang balik namin. Ang alam ko pa nga, alam ng buong ECB na dito kami nag-ma-make love eh. Well, Dave and I never really denied it to anyone. And like I said before, hindi naman ako conservative na babae. Pinalaki ako sa liberated na pamilya. My mom even agrees sa lahat ng ginagawa ko. Kasi ganun din siya before when she was younger. Sa kanya siguro namin nakuha ni Alynna yung mga hormones namin.
The front desk woman still knows us even though we haven't checked in here for about a year. Ni-reserve pa din nila yung usual room namin ni Dave which is of course, yung pinakamalaki at yung pinakamagara sa buong hotel.
Nang nakarating na kami sa room namin, I know that it is going to be a wild day. We might even last all night for this. And I am very excited for that. Naka-recover na din naman yung katawan ko sa lahat ng bruises ko. I am now ready for game time. For Dave time.
At dahil nga meron akong haliparot hormoes galing sa mommy ko, ako na ang nagsimula. Pagsara palang ng door ay hinalikan ko na agad si Dave ng full sa lips. He kissed me back quickly and torridly. I felt na binuhat na niya ako papunta dun sa bed para masimulan na namin ang matagal na naming hinihintay. Gigil na ako sobra kay Dave. Miss na miss ko na siya.
*KRIIIIIIING KRIIIIIIING*
Nag-ring bigla yung phone ko na nasa bulsa ng dress ko.
Ang badtrip naman!
Sino ba kasi yun?
I took my phone to see who was calling and I was surprised when I saw the name of the caller – which Dave also saw.
*Nick Murray Calling...*
"Answer it." Dave said pero halatang nababadtrip siya. Nakita ko na rin kasi na he became hard na eh.
I know na nagselos na si Dave dati diyan kay Nick nung nasa trike kami na hinire nya when we were still helping Ynna kaya naman para mawala na yung selos niya, I put the phone on speaker mode. Wala din naman kaming tinatagong relationship ni Nick eh. He is a friend na tumulong sakin makatakas and that's it. He played a big part in my life though. But there's nothing more to that.
[Janina!]
"Hey, Nick! How's it going?"
[Great. Great.]
"Why'd you call?"
[Do you remember the last time I called you? I told you I'll have a surprise for you.]
"Oh. Yeah. I do remember that. What about it?" tanong ko. Oo naaalala ko nga yun. Yun yung time na nagselos itong si Dave eh.
[I have successfully opened another modelling agency under my own name. We are just starting and we need a pool of talents from all over the world. And I want you to be part of it! If that's okay with you?]
Natahimik ako.
Dave looked at me seriously. Why am I only getting these offers just now? Now that I am happy and contented with my life. Now that I've fixed all my relationships. Now that I don't need it anymore. Minsan talaga ang life magulo eh noh. Yung mga bagay na gustong gusto mo noon, ibibigay sayo kapag hindi mo na sila gusto. Kapag sinukuan mo na sila. I know for a fact na ayaw ko na magmodel. Na-trauma na kaya ako noh. I want to be with Dave. I want to continue my studies. I want to take over our business when I get older. I can say that I am really already a better person. I have fully accepted na hindi talaga sa akin ang pag-mo-model. And I think, acceptance is key to happiness.
[Hey, are you still there?]
"Um, yeah. Sorry." Medyo napatagal yata yung pag-iisip ko. I saw Dave's eyes in my peripheral na nag-wo-worry siya. Siguro he's scared na I might go back to NYC again.
[So...?]
"I'm sorry Nick, but I think I am done with modelling. I think I'd like to stay here in the Philippines with my family and friends. And with my boyfriend." Tumingin ako kay Dave nung sinabi ko yung word na 'boyfriend'.
[You sure?]
"I am sure."
[I see. It's okay. Just give me a call if ever you change your mind, okay? We'll be waiting. Have fun there, Janina! Bye!]
"Bye, Nick. Thank you for everything, you know what I mean." I said before I hung up.
"You sure with that? Di naman kita pipigilan kasi alam kong pangarap mo i—hmmmfp—
I did not let Dave continue his little speech about my dreams. I kissed him. I am done with my dreams. Tinanggap ko na ang kapalaran ko. Pero kay Dave, I am not done. And I think I will never be done with him because I want to be with him forever, as long as I live.
We were kissing until inunhook na niya yung bra ko at inunzip na niya yung dress ko.
Right now, hinihimas-himas na niya yung breast ko gamit ang dalawa niyang kamay. Sobrang nakaka-miss. Nobody could really make me feel that way except for Dave. The way he touches me, the way he owns me, feeling ko virgin pa din ako. Grabe kasi yung pag-aalalay siya sa akin. Alam mong hindi lang puro lust. It is full of love nga, actually.
Hinubad ko na ang T-shirt niya at sinimulang hawakan ang abs niya. Oh goodness. I missed this. I missed this so much. Hinawakan ko na ngayon yung belt niya at tinanggal ito. Tinatanggal na din niya yung panty ko right at this moment. Naramdaman kong hinawakan niya yung female part ko sa hiwa nito and I moaned in delight. Ugh. This is so good.
Ihuhubad ko na sana ng tuluyan yung pants niya pero he stopped me.
"You do not need to put an effort." he said. "Just relax and let me lead this."
I followed him and just laid down. Nakita ko na siya na ang naghubad ng pants at brief niya. Lumitaw ang kanyang napakagandang treasure. The thing that I have always wanted to be in me. And right now, I cannot wait for that to happen.
True to what he said, siya lang talaga ang gumawa ng lahat. He kissed my lips down to my neck, to my collarbone. After that he licked my mountains. Ang ingay ng mga moans ko pero wala akong pakialam. I just want to feel the moment. I missed doing this with him. I missed doing this to the love of my life.
After my boobs, he went even downwards. He went there. He licked me there. And halos tumirik na yung mata ko sa sensation na nararamdaman ko.
I am done with all these foreplay.
I am fucking done.
I want him to fuck me.
I want him on top of me.
I want him in me, now!
"Will you please fuck me now?" naiinis kong sinabi sa kanya. Pikon na ako eh. I am starting to hate the teasing.
"Yes, ma'am." he said while half-smiling.
Ipinwesto niya ang kanyang thing right in front of my hole at inangkin na niya ang buong pagkababae ko. It is the best feeling in the world. I missed it so much. I missed him. I love him. God knows how much I love this man.
In that moment, I forgot that I was once a sex slave for six months. I felt like a new person. It felt surreal.
Remember how I said earlier that I want this day to end na?
Well I guess I'm wrong.
Because, I want this day not to end at all.