"Sometimes even to live is an act of courage." -Seneca
***
Hinihingal akong lumabas ng elevator. Mabilis kong tinakbo ang main door ng 25th floor kung saan nakakabit sa tapat nito ang isang black box na may markang bungo. Everything seemed to have been plotted perfectly, I silently stressed.
Tumunog ang black box nang tumapat ako dito na tila awtomatiko nitong na-scan ang presensya ko. Bumukas ang disk reader nito. Kinapa ko ang kanina'y nakuha kong disk mula sa 26th. Ipinasak ko ito sa lagayan na kusang tinanggap ang disk.
'Access granted.' A robotic voice confirmed the disk. The door automatically opened for me.
Mabilis akong pumasok. Ang 25th floor ay ang sleeping quarters ng Montellano Tower. May sleeping quarters din sa 15th floor at sa 5th floor base sa impormasyong nasagap ko noong unang araw ko sa kompanya at nagkaroon ng building tour. Now what do we have to deal with here? Are we all going to die in our sleep?
Naabutan kong nakaupo ang mga empleyado sa mga kamang naroon. Ang iba'y nakaupo sa sofa na nasa kaliwang bahagi habang si Claina ay nakaupong mag-isa sa matted floor kung saan nagmemedicate ang mga empleyado. Tulala ang ginang habang nakaupo. Parang hindi pa rin ito makapaniwala sa mga pangyayari. She's seen her niece dead. Beside her. She died of brutality and yet she cannot find any reason why such thing would happen to Emerald.
Sinenyasan ako ni Zyril na kausapin si Claina. Ngumuso pa ito sa direksyon ng ginang habang nakaupo sa sofa. Dahan-dahan ko itong nilapitan. Walang nagtangkang lapitan siya. marahil ay hindi rin alam kung paano pakikitunguhan ang isang taong puno ng takot, gulat at kalungkutan. Mr. Laryson Perey should have talked to her. He knows how to handle people with such situation. Pero parang pagod na din ang lalaki na nakaupo sa gilid ng kamang malapit sa bintana. Nakatanaw doon ang lalaki at mukhang umiiyak. he's probably missing his kids.
Everyone seem to be very devastated. It is very understandable that each one of us on the 25th is on a state of shock. Shock is an understatement. We've been ripped. Ripped from the peaceful life that we used to call boring and useless.
I cleared my throat as I sat beside Claina who was still mute and and seemingly fragile to any further emotional damage. Lumuluha ito at halos basa na ang damit dahil sa dami ng iniyak. I hate seeing people cry. I have had a lot of people cry over things. I have had a lot of people crying over me, over their disappointments, over the things they regret. But who can blame Claina? Who could stop this woman from crying if this is the only refuge or a form of therapy she can take right now?
She sobbed and sulk in to the sadness she's been containing. Without looking at me she said, "Vlad, I have been strong for too long. But this, this thing that's happened is making me weak again. It's making me cry. It's reminding me that I am still vulnerable to pain."
'"Claina, I'm sorry for your loss." I paused and heaved a heavy breathing, "Just let it drop, just cry. That a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit; but don't let your devastation feed from you. Tatalunin ka ng kalungkutan mo kapag hinayaan mo. Let yourself be wasted, but don't forget to gather your pieces."
"Emerald, she's like my daughter. She's very innocent. She's very kind. Wala siyang inagrabyado, atleast that's one thing that I know simula noong maulila siya at manirahan sa poder ko." Humagulgol ito. Her palm covered her face. "Binigo ko ang kapatid ko. Binigo ko si Emerald. She died in my arms and the worst thing is, hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya hahanapan ng hustisya."
Inalo ko ang likuran nito. Halos manat na ang boses nito. I was totally aware that she's been crying so hard that it hurts her throat, it is out of frustration or knowing that no matter what she can do or any attempt to change the situation, she can't. The pain just stays in place. Those tears I have seen from her are the heaviest thing in the world. And it doesn't do a damn thing to fix anything but it needs to come out no matter what.
I have experienced a lot of devastation from the past. My father's death, my failure in all aspects: my relationship with Karen, our unborn child, the wrong decisions I made, and lastly, Karen's death. I was blaming myself until now. I have cried a river even knowing that it won't change a damn thing in the past but I still did. Kung wala na kasi akong alam na solusyon o bagay na pwedeng makapagpalubag sa lahat ng guilt ko sa katawan, wala na akong ibang choice kundi umiyak at saktan ang sarili ko.
Hurting myself lessens the guilt, yes. But the pain and sadness remains. They never heal. they remain just inside me.
Ang nararamdaman ngayon ni Clain ay parehas sa naramdaman ko noon at maging hanggang ngayon. Kaya sino ako para sabihing 'tahan na, magiging okay din ang lahat' kung alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi nawawala ang sakit? Time doesn't heal all wounds, it just let us get used to the pain until we feel numb.
"During my days of deepest sadness and all the mixed emotions I had, I pray with all my heart." I confessed. "I literally spent hours praying and spending a significant amount of time being still before God. It may help Claina."
Claina cried over my shoulder. Hinayaan ko itong umiyak sa balikat ko habang inaalo ko ang likod nito. I know how she badly needed someone to lean on. I have been there.
Habang patuloy sa pag-iyak si Ginang Claina sa tabi ko, bigla na namang tumunog ang laptop nang buksan ko ito. Hindi pa rin ako nasasanay sa mailer. The same magnitude of fear still came to me.
As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so a life well spent brings happy death. -Leonardo da Vinci
"Minalyn!" malakas kong tawag sa babae nang malito ako sa ibig sabihin ng mastermind.
Patakbo naman akong dinaluhan ni Minalyn sa kinauupuan namin ni Claina. Sumunod doon ang lahat na parang doon na nakasalalay ang buhay nila. Lahat nakatingin sa email na sinend ng spammer.
Kunot noong binasa ni Minalyn ang email. Mukhang ito'y nalito rin sa sinabi ng mailer. Humingi ito ng pahintulot na replayan ang mailer.
What do you mean? Bitch! matapang nitong reply.
"Halah ka Mina. Huwag mo na siyang galitin!" Kinabahang sambit ni Nicolla sa likuran.
"Papatayin din naman niya tayong lahat, mas mabuting atleast namura ko siya!" katwiran ng babaeng tila nanggigigil parin.
Ilang saglit pa ay may na-recieve uling email ang Mac. This will be your last peaceful night. Take advantage to sleep peacefully for the next nights will kill you. Good night!
I will take that word from you. SOAB! Mina hit the enter button. Alam kong sinisiguro nitong wala ngang mangyayari ngayong gabi.
The mailer replied, SURE!
Nakahinga ng maluwag ang lahat. nagbulong-bulungan pa ang iba bago sila nagdesisyong bumalik na sa kanya-kanyang pwesto. Tinungo na rin ni Clain ang bakanteng single bed na nasa sulok. Hindi ko na ito nakausap dahil mukhang nakatulog na sa sobrang pagod.
Halos karamihan na sa mga empleyado ay nakahiga sa mga sleeping beds na nasa 25th floor. Hindi pa rin ako dinadalaw ng antok kahit pasado alas dose na. It's almost twelve hours since the devastation happened on the 31st. Muli kong kinapa ang code na nasa dilaw na papel. I crumpled the piece of paper. My mind can't just figure out what the code is all about. Gigil akong napamura.
Napabuga ako ng hangin para maibsan ang paninikip ng aking dibdib.
"Vlad," Satana came across. Umupo ito sa katapat kong sofa. Kasunod nito si Kid na naupo sa tabi ko.
"What's up?" tanong ko.
"Ang hirap sagutin ng what's up na 'yan." Biro nito na gaya ng nakagawian. Sa itsura nito'y alam kong seryoso ang dahilan ng paglapit nila ni Kid.
Satana stared at me from across the sofa she's seated. Then she began opening her lips coated with her favorite dark shade. "I know Zyril talked to you earlier. Alam ko din na close ka sa kanya."
"Yes. Why?"
"Did you really believe her?" nanlaki ang mga mata ni Satana na halatang nagpipigil dahil baka marinig ito ng iba pang empleyado.
'Dude," Kid intervened. He moved closer to me to make sure I can hear him speak. "We both saw Zyril talking to Emerald and Kyziel before they died. Mukhang mainit ang usapan nilang tatlo kanina."
"Does that even make her the killer?" I said in contradiction. I wanted not be biased with my friends. I need to hear Zyril's side first before I can weigh things. "Dude, Satana, you know Zy! She's our friend."
"Yes Vlad. She's our friend. She is! Pero kilala ba natin siya ng lubusan?" Satana interrupted trying to insist something.
"Aren't we suppose to be talking to her right now?" Nagpabalik-balik ang tingin ko sa dalawa.
"That's why kinausap ka muna namin Vlad. Paara atleast bago natin siya kausapin, alam mo na ang issue. We don't want to talk to two blown away people pag nagkataon." Napasandal si Satana sa kinauupuan na parang huminahon na. Naunawaan ko naman ang intensyon ng dalawa.
"Let her sleep first. Matulog na rin tayo." I suggested saka sumandal sa kinauupuan kong sofa.
Kid and Satana did not move away. Humiga si Satana sa mahabang sofang kinauupuan nito habang si Kid nama'y minabuting humiga sa carpeted floor na nasa ibaba ng hinihigaan ng babae.
"Guys, are you not taking the beds?" napalakas kong bulong.
"No, we stick together Vlad. Mas safe kung magkakasama tayo." Satana insisted saka nito muling ipinikit ang mga mata.
Napailing akong humiga na lang sa sofa. Everybody was asleep before I got myself totally curled in a ball. Yakap ko pa ang laptop sa pagtulog.
Sana lang ay tuparin ng killer na isang mapayapang tulog ang para saamin. I was utterly wired, fighting my sleep, until the time when I can no longer fight and the sleep was as instantaneous as it is unwelcome. I have had some warning though, when my thoughts become intertwined with random ideas, fears, exhaustion, I gently wrap myself with my arms. After then, all I was aware of was I got wrapped in profound sleep.
Nilamon ako ng mahimbing na tulog. Dinuyan ako ng pagod. That was the last peaceful sleep I had.
Ginising kami ng isang nakakabinging tili na sinundan pa ng isang malakas na sigaw mula sa kanang bahagi ng sleeping quarters. It was Haliya and my boss Ryanne together with Simond. nagambala ang lahat at napabalikwas sa kani-kaniyang hinihigaan.
Sinundan ng tiling iyon ng isang hagulgol mula kina Bella, Maxine at Angelyn. Nagsiiyakan na rin pati ang nurse na si Athena at si Nicolla. Halos mabitawan ko ang hawak kong laptop nang makita ko kung ano ang dahilan ng kaguluhan. Unang bumungad saakin ang nakalutang na paa ng isang pamilyar na tao. Umakyat ang tingin ko mula paa paakyat sa mukha nito.
Natigagal ako ng ilang oras sa nakita. Claina hanged herself. Dilat ang mga mata nito at nakalabas ang dila.
"Vlad," nanginginig na sambit ni Satana sa likuran ko. "Vlad Zyril is missing!"
"Mildred is gone too!" Laryson mentioned.
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