This is everything I ever wanted. Ever since I was a little boy, walking with the confidence of a god. I remembered all the times when everything felt as though it were beneath me, a young boy unhindered by the world. "so, then why can't I seem to figure this out!?" I shouted. Throwing anything I could find, stomping on things that once brought me endless happiness, memories of the past destroyed in an instant. This behavior was unheard of for me, "violence?" I thought to gasp for air, tired from my fit of rage, it's something I could never imagine myself doing.
But the thought that maybe just maybe I cant use qi, sent me into a blinding tornado of rage before I knew it everything became twisted nothing in my vicinity was spared, I flipped the couch, kicked the kitchen table over, took the ax to everything I could, walls, floors, cabinets. I did everything I could to release the frustration and sorrow brewing within me. This went on for a few minutes.
Until I was left drained, mentally complacent, nothing made sense, "I did it, I discovered another world. So then why… why can't I grab hold of it?" I said short of breath, seemingly choking on my own failure. I followed every step, meditating, and envisioning the qi entering my body while using the symbol as a springboard, as I was instructed to. I avoided trying to understand qi, doing everything I was supposed to. "So then why wasn't it working?" I said almost as though I was calling out for help. "It's been over 8 hours now. I've tried and tried again failing every time". I said, looking up at the ceiling. "How am I going to explain all of this destruction?" "I thought", while honestly not caring.
After some time like this, stuck in a mental prison of frustration and a growing feeling of depression. I gave up, as simple as that and decide to take a walk through the forest, hoping to clear my head. While walking through the forest that I remembered once being a strangely beautiful place, now appearing dull and lifeless. The walk was long and painful, "I should've grabbed my shoes" I said laughing absurdly. Yet I continued down the path I chose to push through the pain a process that fueled me with strength, I headed towards nowhere special.
I couldn't place my finger on what exactly was wrong with me, it's as though I wasn't apart of anything, a fish out of water walking between two paths until I reached a divide. One path takes me towards an ordinary life, filled with all the things that come with such a life growing up, raise a family, then dying. While the other "take me down the rabbit hole, into wonderland". I said with a slight laugh, which was quickly replaced by a sharp sizzling pain, coming up through my foot. "What the fuck!" I cried out dropping to my knees. I laid there numb and exhausted with the pain in my foot I doubt I can make it back" I said laying on the warm forest floor. Strangely feeling as though it was all worth it.
After some time laying there for what felt like, hours, long excruciating hours, I went through fits of hunger, sadness, and rage, "Oh, so much rage" I thought with a growing cynical sound to my thoughts. Yet even though all of that. I never attempted to get up, never attempted to cry out for help. After seemingly being flushed with enough strength to sit up, I decided that.
Even though all of this, I had to keep trying, I positioned myself in a crisscross sitting position. I imagined the symbol in my head, choosing to not view it as something that I need to enter, but instead as something that needs to enter me, though the end result was the same. I felt as though I had more control this way.
When I reached the end and saw the Chinese dragon-like creature with the fish's head. I decided to clear my mind to the best of my ability, only thinking only of my breathing pace, nothing could shake me out of this trance I put myself in. nothing else mattered, a group of insects could be eating my flesh off, entering my body and laying eggs in my stomach, mouth, ears, the pores on my skin. None of it mattered this was it for me, strange I know, not many would do what im dedicating myself to simply based on what could be described as a hallucination bur from what the book recommended, I needed to drop my breathing rate to about half the average respiratory rate. I no longer had any qualms about doing whatever was required of me.
Though it was hard and the pain that in sues when the respiratory rate drops that low is quite scary, the feeling of weakness gripped my body, tearing it apart in a strange way, the fatigue made mustering up any strength feel impossible "why try" a voice in my head said, further driving me away from my sanity. But the only feeling that made me want to quit was the racing of my heart, nothing signified the death of my body more than the feeling of my heart racing, towards its end. My senses grew dull, I was unable to tell whether I was dead or alive. There I thought "it's done, I've done it all, I've given up all worldly desires, what now!?" ...
I was in darkness, nothing seemed real and everything felt so far, far away. My mind was growing dime, the light that once signified my consciousness was fading "why don't I fight" I thought, seeming unable to think faster than at a snail's pace. With what little of my consciousness I had left I chose to leave the barrier that separated my body from the dragon with the fish's body, a leap of faith.
It all felt as though id finally awaken, a true rebirth. The dragon, bite into my body but fear not for what I felt was not pain, no it was the feeling of being merged with the dragon. What it took it gave, we fed on each other, taking what we needed to be strong, it a host a place to live, my qi a means of escape. When that was done all that was left was to open my eyes. I was foolish for so long while I attempted to ignore the dragon, feared the dragon, I failed to realize that the dragon was me, all along, desperately seeking out a way out of nothingness.
I awoke panicked, filled with an inextinguishable fear, my body heavy and numb, so painfully numb, I cried out but made no sound, lashed out but moved not even an inch. Everything felt all too real, the world that once looked dark and ugly now had an abundance of life, too much life, my eyes couldn't adjust to such a sudden brightness, but yet I felt as though my eyes where closed "what's going on?" I said while not feeling my lips move at all.
The world sprang to life, everything from the trees, the ground, the birds, everything had suddenly gained so much life.
The strange sense ended after a few minutes and everything returned to normal, still getting up was hard, needlessly hard. My limbs felt prosthetics, I couldn't flex them at all. I know what you're thinking why he isn't happy, you've done it!" yeah I know but I can't properly think, nothing feels the same.
The only thought that raced through my mind was what's going on?" I said, the movement of my lips somewhat startling me, I quickly reached towards the sound, only to remember that I had lips. Though I knew that there was a splinter in my leg, I couldn't feel a thing. Still not entirely sure what was going on. I walked then walked some more knowing exactly where I was and going.
I'm home I thought as I reached the cabin, I didn't say or do anything, this was too much. What does this mean, this isn't how it's supposed to be like. I'm supposed to reach gain some kind of superpower; I'm supposed to feel differently. All that I feel now is a growing fear of all the unknown elements of the world.
This is less a superpower and more of an enlightenment, I've been allowed to see the world beyond the world of objects, everything possesses qi and all qi has attributes and patterns of its own. A let's go!" "oh no," I said it's my dad… oh yeah, just now remembering I promised to be tutored every other day. "Yeah, I'm coming no need to come in" I shouted, only now realizing that I was bleeding. "Shit, dad, do you have any bandages, I stepped on a stick while walking in the forest," I said while outside on the porch, in a surprisingly calm voice. "Yeah, I've got some in the car, are you alright? You're not bleeding too, badly are you?" my father said while reaching out to help me up. "No just a little scratch", I said while limping towards the car.
The car ride was oddly talkative, with my mind still dazed and somewhat confused from all that just happened. I found myself just going along with everything if we started talking about cars, sports, or partially any I found myself just going along with it. Every one of my memories seemed to be a short arm's length away. "Your mother and I want you to take a year off school" my father practically blurted out. Before I could say anything, he added. "It's because you're 17 and still happens to be lacking behind in some subjects, not saying that your dumb son…. just that spending some time studying for the college entrance exams would help you more than just jumping into everything. You can take the entrance exam at 18, you'd be among your age group". Alright" I said not really caring about college or much really.
"Good reach into the glove box and grab those papers". "Alight," I said, when I opened it, I saw a huge stack of papers, "is this your work dad? Wow, I hope they're not working you too hard" I said while laughing just a little. "No," he said with a sign "its ¼ of the work you'll be doing during the 1 year that you're not in school, there will be no complaints young man! You agreed to this remember"
honestly, this guy can be shameless sometimes. "So is the tutor going to help me get this done?" I said while actually starting to picture just how hard this year is going to be. "No, you'll be completing different subjects with the tutor, this is to increase your reading comprehension and to judge your writing level". He said turning onto the main road, the rest of the ride home I didn't say anything, just read through the large stack of papers he gave me, it honestly the stack had to be about 7 inches tall.
"Not to long now I thought before I have to start work". "Hey, I just remembered mom said something about Andrew letting me borrow his motorcycle," I said somewhat surprised that I suddenly thought of that. "Yeah, you'll get it in a few days," my dad said with a kind of nervous look on his, I chose not to pry but it stayed on the back of my mind. Go take a shower your tutor will be here in 40 mins" my dad said going to mess with my mom. "Hi, mom! but are you going to tell me who it is? I mean Longshore doesn't have many people willing take out time during their summer to tutor someone" I said practically racing towards the shower. I didn't really want the answer or cared much about who it was.
I'm starting to come out of my mental daze, my shower went on for longer than ever, at whopping hour 10 minutes, damn even I'm starting to feel just a little bad about taking such long showers, but it's what I needed to get out of my stump. A big gust of steam shot out of the bathroom the moment I opened the door, feeling like a completely different person. Choosing to do some stretches, wearing what was formally my every day after school clothes, which was really just, some baggy shorts and a t-shirt. "A! seriously," my dad said while staring at me, he had a face full of astonishment and anger, mom mother didn't bother to say anything to me, other than my tutor was in my room.
When I opened my door, I was honestly to some degree not surprised, that the person sitting at my desk playing with my 5th-grade science project, was Sherley… but seriously I wish my out word persona would have signified that. Seeing as the moment I saw her I shouted at the top of my lungs, "Sherley!" scaring her and me.