I yawned, looking into the pantry so I could my normal breakfast of oatmeal, only to find it empty.
Same with the fridge too huh? I thought to myself as I sighed, remembering YOURFAULT's words once more.
Guess it's that time again. I yawned again, my thoughts wandering as I put on some shoes.
I was on Thanksgiving break now, spending most of it inside doing nothing. The Hidden Club didn't have anymore activities once the short break started, although it was worthy to note that Pandora had decided to accompany me to all our meetings now, much to our surprise. It seemed she liked the cooking competition so much that she wanted to see more of what shenanigans darling and I would get into, whatever that meant.
I grabbed my wallet from off the bannister along with my keys before looking down at myself. I was wearing a white t-shirt with some holes along with pajama pants that very clearly no longer fit me.
"I guess I'll change my pants," I grumbled, taking off my shoes before changing into some sweatpants, moving my wallet and keys into my new pockets before grabbing a nearby sweatshirt.
I pulled up my hood and opened up the door, getting met with a blast of cold wind. I jammed my hands into my pockets before leaving the house, onwards to complete my monthly task.
Now that I think about it, when was the last time I had celebrated Thanksgiving? "Probably about 4 years now," I murmured to myself, remembering those times. I would normally just grab my food and pig out somewhere before heading into a food coma, so no one ever really bothered me too much during this holiday. Maybe that was why my memories of it weren't so bad…
(And? What about the last 4 years then? Have you looked at them favorably too?)
I gritted my teeth at the sound of the voice I despised most, trying hard to ignore it.
Why can't you ever leave me be.
(Was that meant to be a joke? I almost laughed at the absurdity. You know damn well why.)
I could feel my heart start to hammer as I walked faster.
(You walking faster won't help. It's not as if you could ever outrun us you know.)
Leave me alone.
(After all, it's entirely your fault you're like this).
The laughter roared to its crescendo, and I collapsed unto my knees, clutching my head as the voice grew louder with them.
(After All, Your Task Is Meaningless In The End, And You Know WHY, DEPRA!)
I was unable to catch my breath, holding my head as the laughter roared even louder, drowning out my breathing, my hammering heart, and almost the pain they caused.
Almost anyway.
I waited for a couple minutes until it died back down to it's normal dull throb in the background, and I took a shaky breath as I stumbled back to my feet, my hands freezing as I jammed them back into my pockets, shivering from the cold.
"Let's just get this over with," I muttered, and continued to the store without incident. Inside, I got my three carts with the usual, and an extra cart filled with a feast in the making, before I wheeled them all to the front to check them out. After that, I wheeled them outside to the empty parking lot, exhaling sharply through my nose as I sat down on the sidewalk, gazing upwards to the grey clouds up above.
"What the hell am I even doing," I murmured to myself, closing my eyes to the sky above.
"Depra?"
I could start to hear the laughter encroach me as I slowly turned to the voice, my heart hammering as I recognized the hair that a Padparadscha Sapphire would rarely have, a unique color I could never forget along with the regal purple eyes that accompanied it.
"P-Pandora," I whispered out, and I could audibly hear their giggles all around me, as if mocking me and all my effort thus far.
"Oh, I didn't know you went to this grocery store," she said, glancing around the parking lot, frowning. "Isn't there one closer to your house?"
Calm down Depra, it'll be okay. No need to panic. I managed to get to my feet, giving her a small smile. "Oh, yeah, I tend not to go to that one anymore after I almost got put up for adoption."
"Eh!? Wait, seriously, how did that happen?" She exclaimed, and I could feel my body start to relax.
It'll be fine, it'll be okay. "Oh, it's a long story, so I wouldn't worry about it. What exactly are you doing here anyway?"
"Me? Something good happened today, so I went to pick up some food to celebrate!" She let out a grin as she lifted the bags she was carrying.
It'll be okay. "Oh, looks like you might've been doing the same, huh? That's quite a-!"
"DON'T YOU DARE LOOK!"
She flinched backwards, and I gasped, managing to catch myself before I said anything more. It'll be okay Depra, she-!
"Jeez, don't scare me like that! Still though, that is quite a lot of food, among other things." Her face lit up as my heart began to pound harder and harder. "Oh, I see now! It must be-!"
"DON'T YOU DARE SAY ANYTHING!" I roared out, taking shallow, unsteady breaths as I took a step back, and Pandora frowned at me, setting her bags down next to her.
"Are you-!"
"Why the hell did I have to meet you today of all days!" I yelled out, clutching my head as YOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULT me.
(Looks like it's time to stop, isn't that right, DEPRA!?)
"No, shut up, I don't wanna hear that shit from you!"
"Depra, what's-!"
"DAMNIT ALL TO HELL! no one was meant to…"
"Who are you-!)
(Fall.)
I found myself sinking further into the abyss, cackles of laughter echoing around me as they took me to my punishment, our hell, their abyss, the [redacted]…
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It was about a month after they had vanished, and I had shut myself within that lone house, tormented day and night by it all. People came and went, tried to ask me questions, a lot of questions, but I couldn't answer them without sounding as if I was mad.
Eventually, all the people were gone, and once their voices were gone, theirs came in their stead, haunting me day and night. Unable to rest, unable to think, incapable of doing anything of my own, there I stayed, in that empty house of mine, surrounded by darkness of my own creation and the silence that came with it.
Eventually, more people came, and they wanted me to sign something, I really don't remember what. The thing I do remember, the thing that screamed out to me at the moment, were that the voices became so loud it was almost unbearable.
Then a thought occurred to me, by chance as I signed those papers. I needed a way to appease those voices, something to sate their insatiable thirst for revenge against myself.
It was then I came up with my idea. Asking those very same people who had me sign all those papers, I asked them if I could sign one more. I couldn't hear anything they said, but I somehow managed to get them to agree.
After that, it was a simple task of walking to the store and getting everything I needed for my very own (sacrifice). After I had everything in place, I said the dreaded words that had just recently caused me my own second regret. I felt an awful chill go through me, and when I looked up once more, the sacrifice was gone, and with it, the terrible voices that screamed out at me.
So, in the end, it was not out of kindness that I do this every month, nor out of some form of love and affection.
No, I do it because it's the only thing that can let me live.
I do it because it's the only way I can be happy.
I do it to appease.
It's why I never let anyone know.
Why I made sure to keep it a secret even to myself.
Why I never wanted her, out of anyone, to know of my dark, deplorable secret.
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major
For the second time, I heard a voice that was not one of theirs; so quiet, yet I got the impression that they were trying to tell me something important. But, also for the second time, I dismissed it for nothing at all, a figment of my own imagination.
After all, there's nothing down here but my own punishment.
"Depra."
Another voice, this one clearer. It ran through me, bringing about something that shouldn't have existed down here, an unfamiliar warmth that didn't belong.
"Depra."
Ah, could it possibly be…?
I felt something warm touch my cheek, and the voices, the laughter, the voice, and the soon to be YOURFAULT's all vanished into nothing, and I was finally able to focus my thoughts on the girl in front of me, the girl who had saved me countless times already with naught but a single touch.
"P-Pandora…" I stammered out, and she relaxed at the sound of my voice.
"Oh good, you're finally back. What a relief." I turned away from her mesmerizing smile before standing up.
"Why, are you here?"
"I'm here, because you need me. Duh."
I gritted my teeth. "That's not what I meant, and you damn know that!"
"Then what could you mean?"
I looked over at the carts and sighed it out before turning back to Pandora. "You, you shouldn't be here. No one was meant to know, so why, why are you here…?"
"I'm here, because you need me."
"QUIT SCREWING WITH ME!" I roared out, and I could hear the laughter start to encroach once more.
"I'll say it once more," Pandora said, getting up as well before staring me in the eyes, the utmost sincerity in her voice.
"I'm here, because you need me, Depra."
The laughter went away as quickly as it came, and with that came the voice I dreaded to hear.
(Tell her.)
I…
(Tell her all about yourself Depra, tell her so she can join in the hate, so you can suffer again once more!)
I…!
(Tell Her Everything, Depra!)
And then it went quiet, the world around us silent as the girl I liked looked upon me without hesitation, awaiting my answer.
"I, I've done terrible things…"
"You've also done wonderful things."
"I, I always take from others and never give them anything to work with."
"You've already given plenty, so it's okay for you to be selfish as well."
"I really, really can't face a lot of things, running away from my problems rather than facing them head on like I should."
"You really, really take your time with the decisions you're faced with and know when to take a step back instead of charging forward."
"I'm an unfeeling bastard who hurts others without a care in the world, unable to feel the warmth others bring me."
"You're the most empathetic person I know, which is why you get hurt so easily, and try to be numb to the pain.
"I'm a lazy son of a bitch who refuses to look forward, not wanting to change, not wanting things to change, wanting to maintain the status quo for good!"
"You're a hardworking person who always tries to move forward; even if you end up right back where you started, you always push through so you can reach the perfect tomorrow!"
"I'm stupid and can never see the heart of the issue!"
"You're smart, which causes you to miss the big picture!"
"And, the thing I hate most-!"
"And, the thing I like most-!"
"Is Myself!"
"Is Yourself!"
I fell to my knees, the sun causing her hair to blaze orange underneath the grey skies that surrounded us.
"How, how is it that you can retort so damn easily!?"
"Because I like everything about you, that's why!" She yelled out, pulling me by my shirt to bring us closer.
"But that's just, that's just impossible! I hate everything, so why couldn't it have been me who'd went instead!? Why is it that I'm still here then!?"
"Because Depra, I'll say this as many times as need to be said!"
"I'm here, because you need me!"
"That shit again!?"
"But you're here, because I need you!"
Huh? That's, huh? She let go of my shirt, causing me to slump down onto the sidewalk, my hands trembling at her words.
"Darling needs you, The Hidden Club needs you, Luna needs you, Lachesis needs you, her friends need you, that old couple needs you, the people you've helped in those shop need you; but I'll say it again: I need you!"
I'm needed? I looked back up at Pandora, and she gave me a grin.
"You're finally looking at me."
"I'm, I'm needed?"
She nodded, her hair bouncing as she did so. "Yep, you're needed by so many people, because you're important to us all!"
"Even if I'm a rotten bastard who only cares for himself!?"
"It's because you're not a rotten bastard, that you were able to become so needed by us all."
"Even, even if, if I, make that-!" I stopped myself, squeezing my eyes shut before I felt a warm soft hand touch my face, allowing them to open once more to see those soft regal eyes looking into my own.
"No matter what choice you make Depra, always remember…"
"I'm here, because you need me"
"And you're here, because I need you."
"No matter what choices you make, that will never change."
"And that's a promise."
I could feel the tears well up in my eyes, and yet once more, they never once fell from my face.
"So, it'll be okay?"
Her hands wiped away the tears forming in my eyes, revealing the person who said they needed me the most.
"No matter what, I'll always need you."
She embraced me, and I finally allowed myself to relax, my once raucous heartbeat finally calming down at her words, allowing the thought to come back from where they confined me from:
"With you, my Stupidity can fall into the grace of Happiness."