I was in my late 20's when it happened..
Married for a year and already settled into the middle class lifestyle.
I'd work long hours in the city and come home to a Betty crocker style meal accompanied by vigorous charring. The dinners consisted of listening to my obnoxious wife with her Californian accent, drole on about the other wives in the neighborhood.
My weekends were spent at neighborhood barbecues, listening to Bob Reiner's 'new mower' story on repeat. About how it has an "inverted control system and a 'no mess' clean up attachment."
I was literally about to pull my hair out.
Consistent normality is a literal hell, I promise you.
One night after my dry and overcooked steak dinner I was sitting on the couch, listening to my wife ramble on about something she saw at the mall when there was a knock at the door.
"Are you going to get that?" She said, in the Snottiest tone possible. "It's probably Bob, he said he wanted to show you his new blade deck for that tractor thing he has." My wife really was the dumbest and most self entitled person I had ever had the misfortune of speaking with.
So I get up, walk to the door and peer through the eye hole. I can't really see anything other than a grey covered shoulder so I'm a little confused, by now Bob would be out of his work ware and walking around in a wife beater. Nevertheless I groaned at the thought of standing on the porch while trying to seem ecstatic about his fucking lawn mower.
"Go away Bob, I'm tired I'll come and see the mower later."
As I turn to head back to my oh-so-joyful wife and her remedial stories, another knock catches my ear. Except this time it's more demanding. Urgent even.
So I turn around and creep the door open to find a man standing there with a stern look on his face. I didn't know him so I was at a loss of what to say to the stranger, After an awkward pause I finally found myself and spoke.
"Hi, erm... Can I help you with something?"
The man politely nodded but never changed his stern expression.
"Mr. Nichol's, what you are about to do is very Ill minded, I am here to make sure that doesn't happen. May I come in?"
"Do I know you?" I asked him, keeping the door in between us and just peering half my face around the corner.
He looked considerably irritated by this.
"Well that's the real question we ask ourselves isn't it? Do we know someone, truly? Do we even know ourselves? I'm sure nobody really knows you Mr. Nichol's; do they?"
I twisted up in confusion, half trying to figure out his riddle and half trying not to tell him to leave."
"I'm sorry? Look if your selling something, I'm not in the mood to buy. I'm not sure if I even have the funds to-"
The man smoothed back his hair and interrupted my excuses.
"Does your wife know that you think she's a complete idiot, Mr.Nichols?"
I was taken aback, even though he was very right; I wasn't going to just let this guy trash my wife.
"What the fuck did you just say?!"
The man softly chuckled and tapped his briefcase.
"Oh we know much more than that, Mr.Nichols. The.. Company who employs me and my services are very.. Thorough. For instance, last December you told your wife you were having brunch with a coworker. That coworker turned out to be Amilia Cosgrave from the graduating class of 89' correct?"
My face twisted up, I had no idea what was happening at this point. How he had gotten this information.
"I'm sorry?!"
The man crested a thin grin across his lips.
"Mr. Nichols, I am not here to share your secrets. I am here to help you conquer a vice that hasn't become happenstance yet."
I didn't know what to make of it but I really felt like I was about to be the victim of some sort of blackmail shakedown, maybe it was my fear or maybe it was my curiosity but I asked the man.
"Are you from the office? Did corporate put you up to this?"
He just stood there with his grin and nodded his head toward the door in front of me. So, assuming he was in fact some corporate P.I.
I swallowed and stepped to the side.
"Would you..like to come in..?"
The man grinned and adjusted his red tie that stuck out from under his grey suit like blood against his black vest.
"That would be very lovely, Mr. Nichols. But please, remove any thoughts that you might have about me and my intentions. I am not here to blackmail or harass you, but merely to help."
I reluctantly nodded and opened the door. Before I could say anything else, he barged passed me and bee-lined for the kitchen, knowing the layout of the house immediately.
I followed him completely confused.
"H-hey you can't just walk in like you own the place!"
When I rounded into the kitchen, he had already removed his grey over coat and was sitting at the table with his briefcase in front of him.
"How the fuck did you just! I was just behind you! Who the hell are you?!"
I felt like a child at a magic show, angry because I couldn't figure out how the bastard got my nose. Things were happening too fast.
"Tom, may I call you Tom? Time is of the essence, would you please take a seat?"
I was fumed at this man's audacity, I pointed back down the hall toward the door and shouted.
"You know what, I don't know who you think you are but this was a mistake! you need to fucking leave pal!"
The man groaned and reached into his vest pocket, producing a red pen. He clicked the pen and the chair opposite of him slid from the table and I just about shit myself.
Extending a hand toward the chair he very politely said, "Mr. Nichol's your wife is asleep on the couch and it's very rude to raise your voice in this sort of situation. I assure you that I am here for something very important to the both of us. So if you would kindly sit and let me explain. And if it isn't your cup of tea, what I have to offer? Then and only then will I be on my way."
I didn't know what to say. I took a step backward and peered down the hallway to the living room, and sure enough. My wife was asleep. I was confused and intrigued and my heart was racing in my chest, but the man seemed to calm me with his words. So I sat in the chair across from him. Before I could reposition myself, he clicked the pen again and I slid to meet the table.
"Before we progress any further, you must call me something and I will have to sign some documents as well. So for the duration of our business. You may call me Mr. Tilts."
"Mr. Tilts? That's an awkward name."
I grinned.
Mr.Tilts cocked his head to the side ever so slightly.
"Sir, you are named after an element, Nickel is a substance, a rock. Your name means simple. And with the track record of the things you've thought?"
He reached down and unlocked the briefcase with a loud 'SNAP'
"I wouldn't be making fun of my Surname Mr.Nichols."
Needless to say I was no longer grinning.
Tilts reached into his briefcase and produced a red folder and passed it to me.
"Look at these and tell me what you see."
I opened the folder and inside were Polaroids, they were black and white and looked antique; as if they would flake apart if I wasn't careful. As I laid them out across the table one by one and examined them. My stomach lurched.
"Are these my-"
"Yes Tom, these are your thoughts and memories. Well, some of them anyway, my particular department only gets the.. Questionable ones. Do any of these stand out to you?"
I scanned through the photos. One was a third party picture of the day I was caught by my parents jerking it in my bedroom. (My face flushed) another was of the motel with Amilia. A picture of us naked and twisted up in each other. All of them were horrible things. But one caught my eye. It was an all black picture with bright red sharpie written across it. It read
"She really is the dumbest and most self-entitled person I've ever had the misfortune of speaking with"
I looked up at tilts, pale and clamy I pointed to the photo and with sweat beading, I asked a shaky question.
"What...are you Mr.Tilts?"
He reached into his vest pocket and produced a cigarette and zippo. Lighting his Marlboro, he took the drag and exhaled.
"Now there is the one I can answer. I am you, more so.. What you have brought. What you will wrought. I am the perverbial tide of change, the choice maker behind the choice maker. Some call me a business man. Some call me a seller of lies. But in truth, I am a Demon Mr. Nichol's. Your Demon."
I entertained the thought. I mean, in truth. This was probably the most interesting thing to happen to me since highschool when I was caught fingering Claudia banks in history class (that was also in the Polaroids). Even if it was complete bullshit.
"Okay, so you want me to believe you? Well okay, this is me believing you. So why the pictures? Why my last thought before I answered the door?"
Mr.Tilts reached into his briefcase and retrieved a piece of paper. Unfolding it revealed a single black line, turning and running around the page like someone was playing a game of snake. The name in the top right corner read: 'Thomas Nichols'
"Mr.Nichols, do you see how the line is moving straight?"
He pointed to the part of the line laying fresh ink and only turning at the pages edges.
I nodded.
"This is your path, your destiny. Right now its set on a course. However.."
Tilts pointed further back into the lines path where a spider web-like pattern was and the line took a jagged turn.
"At this moment, you've diverged from your path. This is the moment when you realized, or would have realized that you hate your wife so much that she couldn't breathe anymore out of good conscious. At this moment, you would have entered this kitchen, retrieved an iron skillet and brutally bludgeoned her to death. But, with your thought of her ignorance; a part of you pitied her. Just enough that it would've made you hesitate."
I raisedy eyebrow and played along to this crazy story.
"So what? Are you saying you stopped me from killing my wife? What do you want? Some kind of money? I knew this was some kind of shake do-"
Tilts slammed his palm down on the map and scowled.
"No Tom, I'm here to make sure you kill the bitch."
Mr.Tilts leaned back and took another drag from his cigarette.
"Are you out of your fucking mind? I'm not going to kill my wife!"
I snatched up the photos and crammed them into the folder and tossed them on top of Tilt's briefcase.
He leaned in and tapped the folder in brief thought and then...met my eyes.
"I thought you'd say that, that's why I'm authorized to make you a deal. If you go through with this, if you correct the path. I am inclined to offer you these terms.
1.You will be with Amilia, whole heartedly, she will be yours.
2. I can offer you solace in the fact that you will serve no jail time.
And finally 3, in three days time. Nobody will remember it happened. I can do that for you Tom, but only if you agree to correct the path."
I paused, this was to good to be true right? I get the joy of beating to death one of the most annoying people I had ever met and I get to be with Amilia with no repercussions?
"Think on it Mr.Nichols, I will be back in one hour."
With a black spasm of light, he twisted the kitchen around him and was gone.
And I did think it over, a million times that hour. The seconds ticking by like eons. I no sooner made up my mind that Tilts appeared in his seat again.
"Okay, I'll do this.. Only if you can do something about-"
Tilts tapped his red pen on a sheet of old parchment that he had returned with.
"Bob's already hanging from his garage rafters. We made it look as though his mower was stolen and he couldn't take it."
That made me grin and without hesitation I took Tilt's pen and signed my name on the dotted line. I felt a sensation of absolute power and... Happiness. I was finally breaking out of this shit existence and taking these bastards with me!
I beat her to death that night.. She didn't even wake up from the first blow, the cast iron was swung so hard that it dented her skull. But I kept swinging until her fucking head was mush. Over and over I swung for what seemed like hours. By the time there was no solid left in her fucking skull to hit I returned to the kitchen blood soaked and invigorated with an entirely new outlook and lust.
Tilts had used a coffee cup to dispose of what looked like a dozen butts, lighting another as he smiled in satisfaction.
I shook his hand as he stood and put on his coat.
I walked him to the door. Trailing blood through the house. And as he exited I said
"Sorry it took so long..it felt pretty good to have my life change."
Tilts glanced around the neighborhood and took in the dead night air and turned back to face me.
"It didn't take too long, its only 10:10"
I was confused, surely from the time I met him it had been hours.
"That doesn't sound right, maybe you mean 2:10am?"
Mr.Tilts grinned a wide birth for the first time and his teeth were eerily sharp.
"No it has only been ten minutes. I was never here, Ten minutes ago Bob came to your door and knocked as you were beating your wife to death, in your fit of rage. you dragged Bob home and strung him up in the garage by his chain hoist and then ran his piece of shit lawn mower into the pond behind your house."
Tilts let out a haunting cackle and his eyes sunk deep into his head. Wings ripped the back of his suit and he stood hideous and grotesque in front of my home.
"We had a deal?! Why would you do this?!"
Tilts ripped his neck to the side with a loud pop and a wicked grin.
"Read the FUCKING contract you pretentious FuCk-K! We made no deal. Why did I do it you ask?'
The police sirens wailed into existence and I could see lights reflecting from around the corner.
"The Beast can not be born of life MiStER NichoLss"
As the police swarmed Mr.Tilts stood there, but even as the camera crews tolled in and the bodies in the neighborhood were discovered, Mr.Tilts was never once noticed...
------
I have been in prison for 6 years for murdering my wife, my neighbor Bob Riener and his 3 little girls.. The only one I'm guilty of being my wife..
When they found her the baby was saved.. I was so up my own ass that I didn't even know.. She was chubby so I never really could tell any difference in her. 4 1/2 premature, but..The child survived and was later adopted out. Its funny.. My lawyer told me the day they found the little boy still inside his mother's carcus very much alive..
"I guess you can be born even if you don't come from something alive anymore.."