"This hurts to hear. Tried? Forced? I genuinely believed, Josh! I thought you enjoyed it as well! I kept on pushing those topics because I was thinking that you were fond of it." Aira said in a soft voice.
"..." I stayed silent.
...
This is the moment that I feared.
I did not prepare myself on recieving comebacks on events like these.
In fact, I didn't even think about it because I never expected that I would be blurting out things like that.
I was sure I am able to keep myself contained in that matter.
...
"I cherished those moments, Josh. I was at the point of believing that for once in my life I could actually have guy friend that I could fully trust."
"But what about Pa--"
"Paul is in a different case, Josh. You keep on saying you see yourself in him, but no. He's way too different than you. He does not have the sad confidence that you have."
"He did nothing different from me!"
"Paul talked to me with the same intent. He wanted to do take "shots". But he wasn't good at hiding his intention. His words and acts made it obvious, or at least observable to me.
That's why I feel hurt right now. I did not even consider you planning to do the same, and let myself enjoy the company.
I knew Paul gave up when I stated his intention. But he kept talking.
Talking while slowly taking off the mask he puts on. Speaking with his genuine self bit by bit.
I'm sure he didn't even realize that's what he was doing.
He probably knows he should've stopped and left when I basically rejected him.
But he didn't. Because he stopped thinking about these plans. These games and ideas you use to make me somewhat "like" you.
Paul just stopped thinking about making me like him. He let himself go and enjoy.
I remember you avoiding people who wanted to talk to me. You even tried to pull me away from them.
Was that part of the plan too? To make them leave us alone and keep me to yourself?
Josh, why do you wish to have a girlfriend that badly?
Is your life that sad and lonely? Does female physical attention keep you going? Do you die without it?
When it comes to looking for a girlfriend, tell me Josh...
Do you have to?"
...
Do I have to?
...
I freeze in silence.
...
No, of course I have to!
...
I turned to Aira.
(Josh)
"Having a partner in the school environment is how you become relevant.
People think of you as someone higher, giving their respect to you for they cannot reach such even in their lives.
Some of the couples in school even become just to gain attention and friends.
Some groups get formed because of them.
Sure, I hate groups. But that's only because I could not be in one that I like!" I raised my voice.
...
(Aira)
"Do you need attention? Do you want friend groups? Then why do you reject anyone who even tries to approach you? Do you expect everyone to always have the same interests as you? Do you even know what a friend is? Tell me, what is a friend to you?
Just someone who shares the same interest as you, who always goes along with the status quo? Someone who you don't have to adjust yourself with?
Someone who you can play out your mind games with and enjoy them being fooled?
Does a friend to you only mean someone who makes you feel superior?
Does having a friend only mean benefiting from them?
Josh, do you see romantic relationships as masks to hide their insecurities and benefit from other people?
People also fall in love. Don't you believe in that?!" Aira raised her voice.
...
(Josh)
"No. I do not believe high school students fall in love, Aira. They often experience infatuation and lead themselves to believe it's long lasting love. I see those people as fools.
But of course, there are those who are smart and take advantage of the effects of being in one.
Being in a relationship makes you feel nice.
Having someone who loves you has a lot of benefits.
Having someone there to back you up every time.
Having someone to be with.
Having someone who cherishes you.
And having someone who'll never leave you no matter how much time passes.
I wanted that. I want that.
That's why..
I have to." My voice softens.
...
(Aira)
"Someone to be with? Josh, those exist as "friends"! Having a relationship won't give you those. A romantic relationship is something special, Josh.
You can't treat it as an extended form of friendship.
To love is to care. You can't have a romantic relationship OR friends if you don't care about them.
You're a selfish person, Josh. These relationships aren't for you to gain anything.
It's for you to give them something."
...
I freeze once more. I feel as if something just broke within me.
A feeling of anger coming outside me.
And at this point, I don't know the reason why.
...
(Josh)
"Well, did anyone even give me something?! AM I IN DEBT TO THEM?! NO! I'm the one who should receive something because I'm one of the people who made them feel they matter.
I DID THE FIRST MOVE, NOW THEY HAVE TO PAY ME BACK!
Why do I have to give them anything?! They didn't do anything for me.
I did all the efforts, I made them feel they matter. I sacrificed many things just for them to pay me back.
DON'T I DESERVE SOMETHING BACK FOR THAT?!" I shout, with my voice shaking.
...
"Let me ask you, did anyone ask for that? For your actions? No. They didn't. You did that only for your own satisfaction.
They are, in no way, in debt to you.
Josh, please wake up."
...
They're not?
Then what were my efforts for then?
Was it all for nothing?!
...
No. I refuse to believe all that.
..
MY EFFORTS WILL NEVER BE FOR NOTHING. I HAVE LOST ENOUGH TO BE STOPPING NOW.
...
"I.. I'm wasting my time here. I have to go." I look away from Aira and walk away, leaving her behind.
...
I walk straight.
I walk without any thinking.
I just want to be away.
Away from all the opposition.
I just want to get myself farther just to escape the lies she's telling me.
...
Or was it the truth?
No. I should not doubt myself now.
I have taken a big step and made a big change.
...
I don't know what would happen after this.
I just argued with Aira, and I don't know what to feel about Paul.
I don't have any decent reason to hate Paul.
But knowing how Aira feels about him somehow makes me feel even worse.
I consider him a comrade. I don't want our connection to change that just because of this. He didn't do anything about this.
This is only my issue.
...
I don't know if I can talk to Paul now.
Could I even look at the two in the eye?
I don't know how I'll act around Shaina.
These thoughts of anger at Aira and my wonder at the things that can possible happen would affect my actions.
These thoughts might even affect the way I talk to Shaina.
...
I was supposed to be ready to take on everything right now.
I planned everything.
I thought about how these people would react on certain events.
I should be ready.
...
But..
I'm not.
I have no idea how things will turn out.
I could not think of possible outcomes right now.
My mind is blank.
...
These thoughts went around my head as I walked straight.
...
Then I bumped into someone.
...
My senses came back.
...
"Oh, sorry. Wait.. Josh? Hey!"
It was Paul.
Paul grabbed my shoulder, looking at me with a wide smile.
...
My senses are back.
And I can sense anger coming back.
...
Wait.
I feel pain more than anger.
...
I look at him in the eyes, defeated.
A worn out face.
A face that shows him that I'm tired.
Emotions mixed with confusion, anger, and loss of hope.
I show him eyes of defeat.
...
"Josh? What's wrong, my dude?" (Paul)
...
I freeze once more.
I just looked straight ahead.
I'm not even looking at him anymore.
I'm just looking directly at whatever is in front of me.
...
"I.. I have an errand to do. I have to go." I brush off Paul's hand and walk.
...
"Aira.. Aira is near the school shop. Now go smash your face into he--" I bite my lip.
I suppress my anger.
...
I look up.
I'm at the junk shop.
I proceed to enter.
...
I'm tired.
...
No..
I don't even know anymore.