I enter the junk shop.
...
Wait.
Why am I here again?
Ah, right. I have to buy something.
...
What was I supposed to buy again?
I forgot.
It left my mind when I saw Paul.
...
I looked around, thinking that I might remember when looking at spare parts.
...
I give up. I really can't remember.
I texted June.
...
--Yo, so I forgot the stuff I have to buy-- (Josh)
--5 Metal Bars and a set of nails in any size.-- (June)
--Nails in any size? Very responsible carpentry.-- (Josh)
...
She doesn't reply.
I assume she won't because June doesn't seem to be the type who enjoys chatting in social media.
...
I proceed to buy what is needed.
Leaving the shop, I checked my sides just in case Paul and Aira were there.
...
I immediately get on a bus, and return to school.
I entered the school gates, looking around to see if Aira was there.
...
I've been on edge ever since that discussion happened.
I don't even know if that was a discussion.
It was more like me complaining to how society works, and projecting my ideals into Aira.
...
"Wow, you're actually doing something for a classroom." Shaina greets me.
"A-ah, yeah. Metal bars are heavy." I struggle to talk casually.
...
I don't even think I should be too affected by it.
Aira just questioned my morals and ideals in life.
I just saw the guy who got what I've worked hard for years.
...
Yeah. I should be affected by it.
...
Shaina looks directly at me for a while, then she says,
"Let's have snacks at the canteen." Shaina pushes my back.
I nod.
...
I just bought a burger, and Shaina drank a smoothie.
...
We sat at the canteen in silence.
Shaina's reading a book, so there's not much to talk about.
...
"Hey, if you give something to someone without them asking it, are they inclined to pay back?" I ask.
"Ooh, you're actually starting up a conversation. What happened?" (Shaina)
"Answer the question."
"Ah, you're serious then. For me, I think not. Because they didn't even ask for it, and it could just be treated as a gift, or something given out of kindness."
...
But it seemed that Aira didn't have any friends.
That's why I believe that I should be repaid for making her feel company.
...
"But what if the person needed it? As if they would die without it."
"I'd still think the same. Sure, it was a great help, a lifesaving one at that, but the person didn't ask for it, and maybe at that moment the person was ready to accept their fate."
"Hm, I disagree. It was because of the giver that the needy lived. Their lives must be to repay the giver."
"Harsh thinking. But yes, the needy might decide to offer their lives to the giver or savior, but they aren't required by law to do so."
"I guess it just boils down to opinion, huh? But what if we look at it in a critical perspective? The needy may have free will to avoid repaying, but doesn't that make the needy bad?"
"Well, bad and good can mean different things to different perspectives, but no, not for me. It does not make the needy bad, because their lives were saved so they can live with their free choice.
Sure, they may be "good" if they repay the giver, but it doesn't make them bad when they don't. That is, in my opinion."
"Alright. Fair point. But I do not agree. The concept of equivalent exchange is how humans managed to exist this long."
"Sure, but we also evolved enough to learn that we can also give things without exchange for it. The concept of gifts and assistance are made."
"But what if the giver demands to be repaid, does the giver have the right to do so?"
"In the concept of exchange, then yes. But as humanity starts to incorporate morals into their actions, we are taught as kids to give without expecting anything in return."
"Of course we were taught that. We were kids. Applying that now will cause you to experience failure."
"There's a reason why it's taught to children, Josh. It's supposed to stick into the kid's mind as it grows up. We were taught how to be kind."
"Kindness only leads you to be used and taken advantage of, doesn't it?"
"Oh, of course it can lead to that. But it's up to the grown-up child to control how much they'll give and help to prevent them being taken advantage of."
"There are kids who grow up not learning how to do so. They just keep on giving until they run out of things to give. Then their "friends" leave them because they were just taking advantage of the kid from the beginning."
"It's still up to the probability of how things will go for the kid. No one can predict what exactly will happen."
"That's why I do think the concept of giving without expecting anything is flawed."
"You're saying that giving anything with payment is better because it avoids the chance?"
"Yes."
"And what will that bring? A life without affection from others?"
"Still just a probability. It's just a better option to let values aside for success in life."
"You have a very practical mind and I think it's ironic given the situation you put yourself into."
"Huh?"
"You wasted your efforts for being friends with Aira right? You had more plans with your friendship with Aira, did you not?"
"Where are you getting this from?"
"Oh, I was just asking. From how you shown your jealousy to Paul and Aira's relationship, and knowing that you stopped hanging out with Aira, of course I'd get a conclusion out of that."
...
No, my plans weren't that obvious.
...
"It's too close for it to be a guess. I assume you stalk people?" (Josh)
"Well, it's still a guess. But when you react like that, it just confirms my hypothesis."
"Answer the question."
"Alright, let's have lunch." Shaina gets up and gets in line for food from the canteen.
...
I follow, and returned to our table once we got our food.
...
I eat silently.
...
My conversation with Shaina is still what's on my mind.
It's a fair point to give something with no return.
But it just brings the person at a loss for doing so.
That's why if the needy couldn't pay the person back, it's best that they should pay the person with their appreciation.
Aira should've liked me back.
Not only because of the friendship that I gave her, but because of how I acted around her.
...
Stating this makes my thoughts sound really wrong now.
But it isn't.. Right?
I am now beginning to doubt myself.
...
"So what brought up the topic of equal exchange?" Shaina breaks the ice.
"Nothing."
"I never thought someone such as you would respond like that. It's too generic."
I proceed to eat my food.
...
"Sigh. Look, I noticed you're in a bad mood, and I would like to know what's bothering you. Not exactly so that I could help you, but for me to be aware of it." (Shaina)
"Everyone gets to be in a bad mood for no reason."
"Just tell me, Josh."
"No. Just let me eat." I reply, not looking at Shaina.
"I care about you, Josh." Shaina raises her voice a little.
...
Ah, hearing these words sting me. Even thought it wasn't from Aira, it isn't something I could believe and trust right now.
In fact, it just gives me pain and anger.
Lies.
All lies.
...
Following her statement, Shaina continues her words.
"..But not exactly because I am romantically interested in you, but more in a case of you being my friend."
"You had to make that clear."
"Yeah. It would be a problem for it to become a misunderstanding."
"Also a way for you to friend-zone me, huh?"
"Probably. But that doesn't mean I'm discarding you. You're basically my only close friend at this moment, so I'd rather settle that issue before you start to make some problem about romance with me."
"So, is that a "no"?"
"Yes. I do not wish to be in a romantic relationship with you, Josh."
...
I drop my head on the table.
I slam my hand on the table.
Probably because of the sudden taste of defeat that I felt.
This is two losses in a day.
...
But hey, at least she admitted it herself than make me guess about it.
...
Dammit.
...
I lift my head.
...
I also wasted effort for Shaina.
For her to like me and gain her trust.
...
But somehow, it feels like as if I didn't really lose much, or I didn't waste that much effort.
It was more like I spent my time with her being myself than actually changing my personality.
...
I deeply exhale.
It feels like the heavy feeling has disappeared.
It's as if a large amount of weight has been taken off my chest.
I didn't even say anything.
I just had to hear something.
...
Aira didn't "pay me back", and that made me furious.
But here, I get the same rejection from Shaina upfront, and somehow, I feel as if I confessed and let my feelings out.
Which I didn't do.
I didn't even say anything.
...
"Ah, well that got you up." Shaina smiles.
"Yeah. Thanks, I guess."
"I never expected to get a "thanks" from a guy I just rejected."
"And you're too used to rejecting guys, Shaina."
"Is that my fault? They're the ones that go after me, not I who does nothing."
"I totally forgot you're basically an idol of this school."
"I don't think I'm in that status anymore."
"Oh right, you don't have any friends now, do you?"
"An insensitive question from you, huh? What a breath of fresh air." Shaina smiled.
...
"You know, I've heard rumors about you being emotionless, but with the time I've been hanging out with you, almost all I've seen from you are smiles." (Josh)
"Exactly. Because I'm with you." (Shaina)
"Oh, screw you and your flirting. I'm trying to forget about it, Shaina."
"Heh. I'm serious though. I'm like this because I'm with someone. It would be creepy if I smile and giggle by myself, wouldn't it?"
"What I meant was with other people. I've heard girls in my class talk about trying to hang out with you, then leave and talk about how you were never smiling or laughing."
"It's not my job to laugh. I'll laugh if I want to. I guess they weren't just funny." Shaina chuckled.
"I didn't even try to make jokes."
"Your very existence is what makes me laugh."
...
"Huh. I actually do enjoy this." I murmur.
Even thought I tried to say it to myself, Shaina probably caught on.
"Heh." Shaina smiles.
...
We finished eating.
...
Though I still have heavy feelings of anger and sadness today, I felt a little better because of that conversation.
It's kinda odd, since Shaina literally rejected me during that talk.
...
But I do feel hurt because of the two major events happening today.
Honestly, I'm confused.
I felt really bad with myself for spilling out everything and Aira questioning me after that.
I even saw Paul moments after I ran away.
That's like stabs right in the gut.
It hurts.
I also got straightforwardly rejected by Shaina. And it also seemed like she knew about my schemes.
Knowing about my plans, Shaina took the chance to say that she doesn't want a relationship.
It should've been the 3rd Hammer Smash to my chest, but it turned out to be health potions that heals 5% on my health bar.
In other words, it should've hurt as well, but it surprisingly relieved me for a bit.
With reasons that I do not know.
...
I've been saying too much about to what happened. I've been going round and round with these thoughts and I still haven't got a conclusion.
Sigh.
I'm confused and worried that I do not know the reasons for these feelings.
My loss of control on my feelings and thoughts bothers me.
It could give me so much trouble.
...
But for now, I'm way too "emotional" to think of solutions.
I'll just enjoy the day.
...
"So, I guess, see you tomorrow?" (Shaina)
"Probably. I might not leave the classroom after this." (Josh)
"Alright. 'Twas a fun talk."
"Riiight. My morals were questioned, so I really couldn't say the same."
Shaina just laughs.
...
"But.. Thanks, really." I say in a soft voice, walking away from Shaina.
...
I don't care if she didn't hear that, but I just wanted to actually release those words from my mouth.
...
I enter my classroom.
"Hey. I got the materials. Go make robots now." I say to June as I enter the room.
"Awesome. Thank you. Wait for further instructions. But I guess this is enough for today, so go take a rest." June grabs the bag of materials.
...
Well.
I guess my day ends here.
I'll just waste the rest of the day playing mobile games and other stuff.
...
So.
Aira and Shaina are now officially considered as losses.
...
I guess June it is then.
Yeah. She's cool. She'll probably be easy to get comfortable with.
...
I..
I'm still confused.