☕
Somehow, there was this strange heaviness over how familiar yet unfamiliar this commute has become. The same shimmering reservoir never left us. It still greeted us in all its grandeur. The secondary forest in all its mystery continued to listen to our conversations.
But this time round, Adik did not have to remind to alight at Yio Chu Kang or to pause the conversation and resume it for dinnertime.
"Yio Chu Kang," said the announcement over the PA system.
Adik looked down at my pinafore and gave a forced smile.
"You know, it's not too late to appeal. Come follow me to the GO and we can get the forms," he said as he held my hand.
I glanced up at him, only for my eyes to shift their focus towards what lied beyond the windows. It was a familiar sight: rows and rows of buildings. The PA's headquarters.
But my feet…I took a step forward as the train made its arrival at Yio Chu Kang MRT station. But I was no longer in secondary school. Muscle memory working its magic again.
Strangers must have thought that I was an Anderson Sec girl so lost in her thoughts, she had forgotten to alight at her stop. No 'excuse mes' were muttered as the doors opened, creating that familiar flushing noise.
The cabin was turning crowded. My commute had now turned unfamiliar. To Adik though, he was too accustomed to it; be it the crowds at Bishan and Ang Mo Kio, the lack of personal space.
The doors came to a close, mocking the unfortunate souls who had missed the train by an inch. They would have to wait another three to four minutes for the next one.
"Hey, I just realised that we'll finally alight at Bishan together!" said Adik as his eyes lit up.
And he was right. Different JCs but same MRT station. My lips curled into a smile.
"Next station: Ang Mo Kio," the PA droned again.
It's not too late to appeal. The badge on my pinafore marked me as different from the girls in his school. Yet…I had been one of them. I just traded one navy blue pinafore for another.
"I think I'll stay but in SJC. If I go to RJ, I won't know anybody there," I said with a shrug.
Adik's eyes dimmed. But he knew the story too well. No, Nora. No time to think about the past.
I leant against the glass panel and averted my eyes towards the tracks. There was only one way to go. Forget the pinafore. I would be ditching it in a couple of days. Forget those words. I would meet new people and start on a clean slate.
I can do this.
❀
I always hated taking the MRT. I hated that darkness. I hated those cement walls that I saw outside the windows for the underground lines. It was as though there was no life. Even the passengers themselves showed little of it.
Eyes were glued onto those things they called smartphones. Some used the commute to catch a wink. I admired those who could somehow sleep while standing up. I gripped the handle and let the flow of time, of traffic, of people continue.
At Toa Payoh, a swarm of people nudged and elbowed their way into the northbound train. I watched as an auntie cut the queue, sending a young girl scoffing at her. I shrugged my shoulders. It was wrong for the auntie to cut the queue but at the same time, the girl's reaction was uncalled for.
Or was that what our society had degenerated into? I remembered Mak and Nenek arguing that night over my education. I could just stay on this train and get off at Chua Chu Kang. Or should I go with Nenek's suggestion and just take up my offer at Semangat Junior College? At the same time, I did not know if I could cope with the competition.
Faint traces of sunlight reached the train. They seeped through the opening to the outside world. I was at Bishan. My feet scampered me out of the train and thrusted me into a part of Singapore that I hardly travelled to. What was I talking about? It was my very first time to Bishan.
I looked around and realised that this station was underground yet was not. It was built rather interestingly I suppose. The roar of the outgoing train faded away the further it was from the station.
Morning's light flooded the station. I looked at my shadow on the floor and asked myself if I should continue to take it all the way to Chua Chu Kang.
I shook my head. The sun was too bright. It was beckoning me to embark on this unknown future. I headed for the escalator and tapped my Ez-link card at the fare gantries. Semangat Junior College was near the bus terminal. Clutching the straps of my backpack, I headed into the unknown – into a new environment.
✩
"Bye, Mak. Bye, Bapak! Bye, Ta-chi! See you later," said Min as he stepped out of the car at the foyer of Dunman High School.
He waved goodbye at us with his buck-teethed smile and turned around, making his way into his school. I watched as Yu-hsuan waved 'good morning' at him. They disappeared into the foyer. Mak shut the door, leaving me with just my parents on our long journey to Bishan from Tanjong Rhu. Bapa took the wheel and after a few main roads, we found ourselves on the Central Expressway.
I looked out the window of my family's Opel Zafira. It was a usual habit of mine. Sometimes, I would look at the faces of the passengers in taxis and buses, wondering what kinds of emotions they were feeling at that point of time. The scenery on the CTE was not like ECP's. It was…bland with the usual buildings, industrial parks and rare patches of green.
What did the people in those factories feel? Did they ever feel like drones? Did they ever feel this desire to just do things differently or live life differently? I looked up at the sky. Some stars were still embedded onto the pale blue. What was life outside Singapore like?
I pressed my hand against the window and heaved a sigh. My lips curled upwards. I tapped on the window, wondering what melody I should play. Mak took notice. She turned her head towards me and asked me what I expected from the first day of school.
"Tak tahu. I just hope I can get through it normally, I guess," I replied.
"Bee, lu kuatir? Kek sim?" she asked.
I shook my head. I leaned my head against the headrest and continued to stare out of the window. So many thoughts raced through my mind. Why was I so frightened? My hands gripped the hem of my green pinafore. Uncertainty was frightening. I had to get rid of that mentality though. I had to make it through the real world.
"Lu sī gún khîn lô khiáu ê bí chnae," said Bapa.
I gave a half-smile as Mak put her hand over mine. The car began to enter the central area. High-rise HDB flats that were absent from Pasir Ris thanks to its proximity to Changi Airport met my sight. Cranes dominated the scenery. That was what I disliked about Singapore.
It seemed like an incomplete canvas. Everywhere you went, there was construction. Why was the government so insistent on fixing something that was not broken? Why tarnish the landscape further with these metal beasts? Bapa turned in towards Bishan Central.
"Wa harap lu suka sekolah baru," said Mak as Bapa drove towards the porch of Semangat Junior College.
I slung my sling bag over my shoulders and turned to face Mak and Bapa. They gave me the most darling smiles they could. I hugged both of them, not wanting to let go, not wanting to see the image of the car grow smaller and smaller the further it travelled. I did not want to be left alone…in a world I was unfamiliar with.
"Bye, Mak. Bye, Bapa. Wa kaseh lu," I said as I pecked them on their cheeks.
They waved goodbye and assured me that they loved me too as Mak rushed to the front seat. I stood at the porch and watched as the car grew further and further away from me. Bapa would head back to Loyang for work while Mak was probably going to do her usual housewife duties I suppose. I turned around the face the myriad of students who were making their way for the school hall.
No magic could help me overcome my innate fears. No magic could help me to overwrite the rules of this school. I had no means of escape.
☂
Everything flew by just like that. One moment, I was with Ah-ma celebrating the Lunar New Year in Tainan. The next thing I knew, I was alone again. Just the day before, I was riding the KRT towards Siaogang Station for Kaohsiung International Airport. Here I was now, onboard the MRT with Lorong Chuan as my destination.
The KRT stations were often empty and rather lifeless. Somehow though, the grey walls and confines never made me feel that way.
"Paya Lebar," said the PA system.
The train started coming to a slow halt. One of the perks of living anywhere south of Paya Lebar was being able to get a seat despite the morning rush. I looked out the windows and saw those exasperated sleepy faces. Aunties braced themselves, nudging their way through the queue in hopes of getting that rare empty seat.
The doors flushed open. The aunties dashed inside the train, not even caring about the passengers who were alighting from the train. Even with people filling every corner and crook of this train, making sure to leave no gaps, I still felt empty. Odd that I felt empty in a crowded train but felt alive in a half-full one.
The alarm sounded again. The doors came to a close. I hugged my backpack tighter, not caring that the white pants I was wearing were still stained with oil from my bicycle's chains. What was the point of making an impression when 30% of the student population of NYJC knew who I was anyway?
I plugged my earpieces in and let myself get lost in Crowd Lu's everyman voice and everyday music. Maybe that was one way to cope with this paradoxical emptiness.
♫
"今日の弁当を作れなくて,ごめん!オリエンテーションでランチがあるかどうかわからなくて,＄１０を取ってね," said Kaa-chan as she handed me the money.
I kept the $10 note into my Toy Story wallet and gave her a beaming smile. Keiko chowed down on her tuna sandwich and reminded me to bring my earphones for the long ride back home. I slapped my palm against my forehead and grabbed them from the counter, stuffing them into the pocket of my white pants.
"実は,もう学校に通うために道路を渡らなくてもよくて,ちょっと悲しいな," I said with a laugh.
"やっぱり. 法ちゃんは学校の前,１５分目を覚ますことを慕っているね," Dad joked before he sipped his coffee.
The entire dining counter burst into laughter. Only Otou-san was silent as he scanned the week's issue of The Geneticist. I grabbed my own tuna sandwich and let my teeth sink into the wholemeal bread. My Koko Krunch cereal remained half-finished.
"父ちゃん,いつ自分で学校に通えるの?" asked Keiko with a pout.
"中学校に入学してからできるかも," I said with a wink.
"帰り方が分かるの?" asked Kaa-chan.
"分からないけど,もうすぐ自分のことを心するのを習わなきゃならないだろう," I replied as I put my hand in hers.
My own reflection stared back at me through the mirror in the dining room. I'll need to learn to take care of myself sooner or later, right? I was decked in white, in the VS uniform. It was possibly one of the last few days I would ever wear it.
"僕たちは法ちゃんに信じている," said Tou-chan as he came over and gave me a hug.
His eyes widened though, and he pulled away from me. He looked at his watch and began to panic for a bit. I watched as he tapped Otou-san by the shoulder and whispered something into his ear. My face fell and I found myself putting my hand over my arm.
"ごめんね,法ちゃん.本当に自分で学校に通いたがっているけど,遅いだ.まくんは連れていく.オリエンテーションの後,５５番のバスに乗れる," said Tou-chan, his voice going higher in pitch as his talking rate went up too.
Otou-san closed his magazine, grabbed his lab coat, and gestured for me to grab my things too. I stuffed my wallet into my other pocket and pulled my socks over my feet at the door. Keiko and Kaa-chan loomed over me, watching as I slipped into my red Nike shoes.
"気を付けて.友達を作る!楽しんでくださいね," said Kaa-chan as she drew me into a hug.
I kissed her on the cheek and assured her that I would be fine. She let go of me and allowed Keiko to walk towards me. She hugged me at the waist and asked me if I would come back with a friend. I only brought my hand to the back of my head and ruffled it, unable to give her an answer so soon.
"Minori, we have to go. Now," said Otou-san at the lift landing. Aiyah, kanchiong as ever.
"また後で!大好きだよ!ちなみに,晩ご飯は?" I asked as I made my way towards the lift.
"法ちゃんの好きなオムライスかも!" said Kaa-chan.
I waved goodbye at them, giving them my biggest smile possible until they were out of my sight. No. I continued to smile, even when I was in the lift in awkward silence. Otou-san folded his arms as we descended towards the basement.
The car ride out of Siglap was as awkward as I imagined it to be though. It was just total silence – save for that Sekai no Owari song that hummed through the speakers of Otou-san's Mazda. As I looked out the window, I took note of the things that I wanted to see for myself from the top deck of bus 55. Expressways concealed so much. Where were the people?
I looked at the way Otou-san gripped the steering wheel. I looked at the biopolis decal on the windscreen. His laboratory gear lied on the backseat in an organised mess. Was I one day going to be like this?