My eyes narrowed at him because I hadn't even thought about that. Kawashita wiggled his eyebrows, chuckling a little, muttering such a serious cutie.
"That's actually a great idea." I smiled back and got up. "Wait. I'll get my seal."
After retrieving a small box from the bookshelf, getting myself another beer, I rewrote the rules including his. We also added the duration of our relationship which we agreed and promised—until one wanted out, it continues indefinitely. I made him another copy, and we both signed our names then added my seal. He used his thumb since he obviously didn't bring his seal in which he rolled his eyes at me for even asking.
"I guess we're official then," I said, handing him his copy, folding mine. He just nodded, a distant unfocused smile playing on his lips as surveyed the paper. I studied him as I drank my now warm beer. "Do you like me, Kawashita-kun?"
"Yes." He half-smiled and leaned back which wasn't the reaction I expected. I thought he'd be flustered. Rather, it bounced back to me. My cheeks heated at his directness.
"Why not get a girlfriend instead?" I asked when I recovered from being taken back.
His eyebrows rose, and his lips parted. Sweating, I quickly added, "I'm not implying anything."
I didn't want him to misunderstand me. But maybe I thought it was just a waste. Him, being this serious about a noncommitted relationship. How much more would he be with his real one? I finished my beer and vanished the thought.
He contemplated for a second, scratching the back of his head. "My last relationship was like this. Only less formal." He shrugged. "It was convenient."
I made an affirming sound. "Can I ask why did it end?"
"That's easy." He leered. "Something better came along."
"You mean me?" I frowned. "Did you just end it with your ex?"
He straightened and clenched his jaw. "No, and she wasn't my ex. Our relationship wasn't something like this. We just sometimes slept with each other." He sighed loudly. "Can we talk about why I like you instead?"
Instead of feeling fuzzy, my stomach sank as I realized my mistake. I pushed it too far. "I'm sorry. I was worried you'd get tired of sleeping with me seeing how you changed girls as long as she's someone better."
As my sentence ended, my remorse had been replaced with indignation. My pulse quickened, and my shoulders tensed. I grabbed his unfinished can of beer. My tone was angry. "You're not drinking this anymore, right?"
Kawashita gulped before he nodded. He waited until I finished drinking. "I know I'm an asshole—"
"You know?" I glared at him, puffing out my chest. "You said this was indefinite, but are you also going to dump me when someone better came along?"
He opened his mouth then stopped before he clicked his tongue. With his nostrils flaring, he threw his hands up. "Why does it matter? Are you serious about me? Are you going to marry me if I propose? Are you going to care?"
His words were a slap and an arrow. I felt weak and bruised inside. Swallowing hard, I lay down on the floor, put my arm over my forehead, and closed my eyes. My voice was hushed when I spoke. "I'm not used to this. Forgive me. I was out of line. I keep forgetting we're only getting what we need."
"Matsumoto-senpai." A shadow appeared on my left. "Are you mad?"
I put my hand on my side, looked him in the eyes, and shook my head. I was sad, and I couldn't explain why.
Kawashita's brows were pinched, and he was biting his lips. "I'm s—"
"It's my fault. I'll be more careful next time." I reached for his cheek, and his expression eased a little. "Can you kiss me, Kawashita-kun?"
He gasped and stiffened. Gritting his teeth, he returned my touch, sweeping the stray hairs from my face. My heavy heart lifted a little at the contact, but my stomach still roiled, and my throat felt thick.
"Matsumoto-senpai," he whispered, his voice cracking.
"It's okay," I said, pertaining to the kiss and his unsaid apology.
Kawashita lowered himself, placing his weight on his right side, his left hand caressing my hair. His kiss felt different. It was tentative, slow, and sorry. The relief I felt was still there, but I needed more. I needed more to forget and to confirm, so I wrapped my arms around his neck and pushed harder.
He groaned and shifted. "Wait, senpai. Are you sure?"
I opened my eyes. "We need this. It's all we have."