17 May 2016, Tuesday
I'm a time bomb ticking away. All the emotions and thoughts I've kept bottled inside, dammed up - I'm sure one day when my walls crack they'll all come spilling out. And it's not gonna be a pretty sight.
It feels like I'm on the brink nowadays. Seemingly little things trigger me - things I'd usually be able to tolerate most other days. I'd feel very hurt and sad, and then beyond a certain point the pain gripping my heart turns to anger. And if I get pushed a little bit more, it turns into an uncontrollable rage.
Just yesterday, I lost it in front of Amelia. I don't know what I was thinking in that moment, but I wanted her dead, for all the torment she's put me through. It's unjustified, all the verbal and occasional physical bullying. And this injustice makes me angry after the hurt feeling has passed.
Isabelle saw everything. I honestly have her to thank for still being here today. If she hadn't grabbed my arm in time, I would have lost all sense of reason and lashed out at Amelia. I know Amelia hurts me, but I'd never want for her to get hurt, because despite everything, I still see her as my friend.
I feel really bad for what happened. I should have kept my anger in check. Isabelle wouldn't have cried.
She's always been so easy-going, unrestrained, optimistic, I never thought I'd see her like that, blaming herself for the things I did. She cried seeing my cuts. And she hugged me, tight. Tell me everything next time, she said. I'll be here for you even if I can't fix them - I'll be here to hear you out. You don't have to be alone anymore.
I've always thought of myself as solitary, like a tiger, or a lone wolf. I fight my own battles alone, I've gotten used to not needing anyone. But recently, I feel like something inside me has changed, because of the new people I've met.
Kalen, the mysterious, dangerous stranger I fell in love with. He keeps me company so my nights are no longer lonely, and ironically, no longer as dark. He puts me to sleep and keeps my insomnia and nightmares away.
And Isabelle, who's given me a taste of what true friendship is. Her fiercely protective side, the self-blame - she's opened my eyes. I've been selfish. Only thinking of escaping, revenge, and harming myself because I 'deserve this anyway'. I never once considered how the people around me would feel.
I need to change. I don't know how, but I can't stay like this forever. I need to grow stronger, less naive, so I won't be stepped on by others, so I can protect the people I care about instead of being protected.
The version of me that I am now is shy, cowardly, paranoid, pessimistic and doubful of myself. I need to remake myself. I need to force myself to be fierce, confident, strong and be able to stand my ground.
Slowly but surely, I'll find a way. I'll change myself for the better. Seven years is far too long to be living in darkness.
-
He could smell it again - a smell he was well-acquainted with. Blood. It'd never bothered him before, not when his victims screamed or thrashed and flailed helplessly in his inhumane grip, nor when they went still, flopped over like dolls in his hands. But that scent on her, it made him feel sick inside.
He gritted his teeth, reigning in his anger. "Avery."
"Yes?" She looked up immediately, wide eyes blinking at him. Her head tilted in curiosity.
His heart clenched. Tonight was not the night to unleash his temper on her. There were more pressing matters at hand. He reached into the pocket of his pants. "I want to show you something."
She scooted over from where she had been working on her music - the song she called her masterpiece that she slaved over every night after the world had gone to sleep. "What is it?" she asked, peering at the object in his hand.
"It's an amulet. I want you to always wear this."
He watched as she picked it up, ran her fingers over the ridges carved in the metal. It gave off a faint glow, then golden tendrils of light reached out, snaking towards her core as it began to mask her aura. "Why?" she asked, oblivious to what was happening. Of course, her human eyes would not be able to see the things he saw.
It's to conceal your light and your power. To keep them from finding you. To protect the one thing I care about. He extinguished the thoughts before they left his lips. "It will keep you safe," he said simply.
"Oh."
"Don't forget," he warned. His silly girl was always careless. He did not even want to imagine the dire consequences should someone discover her, should Gai- no, they would not, ever, find her, he vowed. He would not let them. He would keep her safe, this human that he'd grown strangely fond of.
Little did he know, his worse fears had already come true.