Zhēng Yù walked up the hill his entire stomach churning with annoyance, hurt, and pain. Heart-wrenching pain.
'You didn't have to go, you didn't have to say yes. Stop walking up the hill.' Zhēng Yù let out a little sigh into the cold spring air. A small shiver ran up his skin under his long oversized blue knit sweater. A bit of him regretted not putting on another long-sleeved shirt underneath it as his tank undershirt was doing nothing to stop the air through the holes.
"Hey, Zhēng Yù."
Zhēng Yù looked up at the sound of his name from Ēn Chén. Ēn Chén stared into his eyes from across the five-foot distance, their tree that marked their memories with its very rings and hollow laughter that echoed in his own memory. Zhēng Yù didn't even know what he was thinking when he said yes to coming here. He should have known this place would be too emotionally charged for him.
The very branches swaying would remind him of all the fond moments they had together over the course of the past sixteen years.
"Kay." Zhēng Yù froze, realizing he was calling Ēn Chén by his affectionate pet name for him.
'Don't give in so easily, don't let your heart murmur just from one look from him.' He reminded himself.
"… I'm here now." He added, quickly changing the pet name into the most mundane of greetings. It almost gutted him to make the change. But he knew that feeling he felt right now was probably not even something Ēn Chén was even thinking about. Heck, he hadn't thought about how hard it would be to stand in front of all their memories together after such a deep wound.
"Yeah," He paused as if he was waiting for Zhēng Yù to fill the silence with his chattering as he always would. To lead or steer the conversation in the way that he did, just naturally making the space between them comfortable.
'Sorry Ēn Chén, I can't help you right now.'
"I, um… Zhēng Yù, can't we just try to be engaged?"
"What?"
'Of all things he had thought Ēn Chén had called him to say, he didn't expect that to be the first thing.'
" Well, I mean, it's what everyone around us wants. They have always thought we were together, always assumed, or if they knew we weren't, then they were always trying to get us together. It's literally giving the people what they want. I figured you wouldn't have a problem with it since we have been friends forever. I… you know where I am coming from, in a few months I won't even be here, so it won't even take up that much of your time. By then I'll already be gone with Emily in Africa. So I won't be inconveniencing you to lie to Benjamin and Nicolas for that long. I know you hate lying, I promise…"
"Just stop Ēn Chén!" Zhēng Yù took two deep breaths, his body rattled with them as he tried to get his hurt and anger under control.
"This is why you called me here?"
"This… Ēn Chén." His voice broke as he tried to remain calm.
"Zhēng Yù."
"Do you even care how all of this makes me feel?" Zhēng Yù pulled back a sob that stuck in his throat and he tried to swallow past it in vain. He balled his hands up the tension, causing his fingers to curl uncontrollably. The words he had never dared to say, even after all these years, dangled off the tip of his tongue like nausea-inducing pills he couldn't take.
'I have to say something this time, or he won't understand what he has done, he won't understand how much this hurts me. How it already hurts me so much.' Zhēng Yù swallowed hard, shoving his hands in his sleeves so that no one could see his fingernails dig into his skin. Not that anyone was looking, or could even see.. since it was dark, and he was alone, it was just him and Ēn Chén.
Just us two.
Like always.
Like always.
"Do you even know my feelings at all? Ēn Chén I…"
"Stop…"
Zhēng Yù froze mid-sentence. The cold nipped at his nose and the silence was only permeated by the sound of his sniffle, followed by Ēn Chén's.
"Don't say it." He whispered into the stillness.
"What?"
"Don't, Okay… I already know. If you say it aloud, you will only make things more awkward for both of us. I am leaving soon, can't we just keep things like this."
Zhēng Yù dragged his mouth shut and tried to swallow the air he had taken with it. Tried with all his might to make his lungs which had halted, to keep going, and tried to remind himself to blink. Time shouldn't have stood still, but for him it did in those moments between shattering heartbeats, the world held still until it didn't, until it seemed to crash together the moment he blinked and that first tear fell.
His insides churned, and he went between feeling like he couldn't catch his breath and feeling like he was about to vomit. The sloshing of his stomach reminded him of the four burritos he had eaten far too close to this moment and the cold air chilled him and made him swear he was smelling the inside of a freezer.
"You knew…" His voice broke before he could continue.
Ēn Chén nodded slowly. "I just figured what was the point in saying anything. I love you like my family. I can't imagine my life without you. I can't imagine not being able to call and just talk. That's what I mean, literally everyone expected this. So why can't we just give them what they want? What you want. I know it's only a few months, but it's what you want. A happy life with me, as a couple. I can't give you forever. I love Emily. But this can give you something to hold on to when I am gone. Just a little time with your dreams. I can only make your dreams come true for a short while."
Anger won out at that moment.
"Shut up." Zhēng Yù snapped, then turned and started to walk back down the hill without another word. Tears spilled down his face, and he didn't even do anything to stop it.
"Oh, come on, Zhēng Yù, Zhēng Yù, don't be dumb about this. This is exactly what you want…"
"Fuck off."
"Excuse me?"
Zhēng Yù turned, halting so fast that Ēn Chén, who had been trailing behind him only by a bit trying to catch up to Zhēng Yù's faster pace, had no choice but to stumble a little and almost wipe out.
"No, you don't get to. You don't get to do this to me, Ēn Chén."
"You don't get to do this to me ever, you are selfish, Ēn Chén. A selfish, egotistical asshole, you thought you would give me a few pity months, a few fake dates, filled with lies. What would you have been a pity kiss? And then a pity fuck? How far would you go to give me my magical months before you planned to leave with your loved one? Oh, I'm sure you couldn't do any of those things, they are probably dirty, right?"
Ēn Chén looked at him guiltily.
He scoffed, and leaned forward, Ēn Chén winced.
He gave him a sardonic smile. "I can't touch you, but you want to be my fiance." He backed up slowly, walking backward.
"Leave me alone, Ēn Chén, you can go to hell and take your proposal with you. Don't call me, don't see me, and don't say goodbye when you leave. If you try to say or do anything to me before you are gone… Well, I promise I won't give you the chance."
"Goodbye."
Zhēng Yù swiveled and ran as fast as he could away from Ēn Chén, letting the wind take his tears and his humiliation and leave them behind him.
Along with his heart.
He thought Ēn Chén would call after him, would follow, but the silence was all that followed his sobs and the pounding of his shoes on the pavement.