Ēn Chén stared after him, wondering just what the heck he had been thinking when he crushed Zhēng Yù like that.
This was his best friend, they had shared baths as kids. Slept over in each other's beds, and borrowed each other's slightly less stinky clothes. They listened to music together when Zhēng Yù was down because some loser had made fun of Zhēng Yù again. This was the guy he had showered together and watched movies with. Played every sport and more than a few different instruments together. They had graduated from every school together. Gone to the same college for two years and even moved in together when they moved out of their parents' places.
They celebrated every holiday together.
Everything…
And he had just broken his heart like it was some girl he didn't care about at all.
But he still couldn't pick up his feet to follow him down the hill.
Because if he did, he was giving Zhēng Yù hope. And he had already betrayed his friend for too long by pretending Zhēng Yù's little crush would disappear.
But it was a lie, he had known it was more than a little crush. He had known that Zhēng Yù loved him, and he had done nothing about it. It was selfish, but he could count on Zhēng Yù when life was hard, or when he was hurting badly in his life Zhēng Yù was there to remind him that everything could be okay.
It was like when he turned that key in the door and opened it to that smile waiting for him, the cloud over his soul would rain just a little less, his hardships would seem a little less hard.
But he had been dating Emily for a full two years secretly, the first year, and the last year openly, even if his mom's never said anything. He could still feel their hope that he would be a late bloomer. It wasn't like they were pressing him, telling him he had to be gay. Maybe they saw something he didn't. Something he just didn't understand. But he knew in his heart he loved Emily a lot and that wasn't fake, that wasn't something that would just go away. He wasn't gay.
But his parents were always saying that just because he wasn't gay didn't mean he didn't love Zhēng Yù… But they were wrong. It wasn't like that.
And even if it was…. Well, the moment he said he loved him back. People would just assume he was gay, and expect him to just be like… like how his family was, how the whole community they were a part of just was. He would be gobbled alive, he would never again be Ēn Chén. Just Ēn Chén.
He had seen enough of what being open looked like. It wasn't all rainbows and lights like they wanted to paint it to be. It was hard. It was downright disgusting and ugly sometimes.
He didn't want to live in that world anymore, in fact, he wanted to run so far away from it that the spotlight couldn't reach him anymore.
Maybe that's why he was going to Africa to volunteer. Maybe that's why he was running away. He had never belonged to the world they had him in. They had never tried to mold him into or push it on him. Not really. Sure, there was the normal I love you no matter what you choose, and this is a safe place where all identities are welcome.
But it was still all too much. He didn't want an identity or label he just wanted to be himself. He wanted to love who he loved. He loved so many people around him, but all through school he saw how it was, the people who would just assume because he hung out with people like that. Because his family was. Because most of the people he knew were, he was, too. And the relentless teasing he got. It had been too much.
They didn't even realize how hard it was to belong to that family who would see nothing wrong with sunbathing naked in their backyard, even if he said he was bringing friends over.
The family who walked down the street pinching each other's asses like they were in high school, even though they were two grown women in their late forties.
They were so public and overly honest about everything; it didn't matter what country they were in. They were themselves. Their hearts were beautiful, filled with so much love they could do nothing but pour it over. The problem was, that the rest of the world didn't see it that way. And he didn't know if they chose to be blind, or if they just didn't care, but he was that kid following behind those evil glares of hate, and seeing them turned on him, too.
Ēn Chén had known just how different that was, from a pretty young age, and it drove him nuts that it seemed like he was the only one who cared about any of it.
Even Zhēng Yù was so open and accepting. His dads were the exact same way as Zhēng Yù and his moms, with open arms that said. You are who you are, and we accept that.
But it just wasn't him. He liked routine. He liked having a purpose, and strict rules to follow. He liked knowing that space was meant for the things it was meant for. He liked privacy being private, and affairs of the heart to stay where they belonged. In a space for two.
He had taken a chance by bringing Zhēng Yù here to their tree. He should have known. But to him, this was their space, it was secluded; it was private. It was a safe place to open up his heart and let Zhēng Yù know. That in his heart, they were just friends.
It was a safe space to be vulnerable and say I wanted to elope because I was too scared to have a wedding. I am scared to marry Emily, and that if I do, I will lose my best friend.
He had hoped being in their special place would lessen the blow; it hadn't. It was all a mistake. There was no safe place to tell Zhēng Yù this, there was no safe place to tell someone you were breaking their heart. There was no place in the world where it was an acceptable thing to ask someone to fake marry you so you could cover up the truth by using their real feelings for you.
But a part of him that had stupidly come up with this plan and hoped Zhēng Yù would say yes. He had hoped that Zhēng Yù would be his for a short time. For a few months, the two of them really close again, with no rift caused by their busy lives. No rift in the world and paths they were leading were steering so far from each other. He had hoped it could bring the two of them back together for a short time.
But most of all, he had hoped it could give them both some closure.
Some closure on this friendship that had always been so close they had felt like more than…
More than alone, more than just friends… more than family.
Just more than.
He had desired that closure because he was scared to make such a big step.
Moving across the world felt like he was moving to a different planet. But he had this in his heart since he was a little kid. He had always wanted to go to Doctors Without Borders. He had always known that he couldn't stay here.
And Zhēng Yù had never wanted to stay either, he wanted to move to New York, to follow his musical dreams.
So if Zhēng Yù wanted to go, why couldn't he?
He just wished that Zhēng Yù could have seen where he was coming from.
That he wasn't trying to break Zhēng Yù to pieces. He just wanted to give Zhēng Yù that love he so desired, even if for a short time. Even if it wasn't real… even if they couldn't be together.
They already were with each other in everything, nothing had to change. Just a ring to signify to everyone else that they could back off now and leave the two of them to love whoever they wanted. And he had wanted to love Zhēng Yù with all his heart he wanted to love him for a short time. He had already proposed to Emily, he was already accepted for DWB, he was already sure to go. So he wanted their goodbye to be sweet, because he knew the forever Zhēng Yù was holding onto in his heart wouldn't happen.
'Well, now that you have made a right mess of things, I suppose you better head back down to this dumb Duānwǔ jié feast and pretend everything is fine again.'
He knew he should, but his heart weighed a million tons and his footsteps led away from his family home and back towards their flat.