Since Daniel was a slave to his job to keep up with bills, for each additional hour he worked I matched that time with massages. I kept his clothes and his home squeaky clean, anything to make his life more comfortable.
I sucked up the feeling of absolute defeat and forced my butt out of the house and into the world to find another job. All spring I stared at gray stained papers offering terrible jobs. I attended a few interviews, upon explanation of my position I got a terrible fluttering in my belly and a nagging doubt in my mind that told me to run as far away as possible. But I was forced to push that feeling aside and work to feed my family and relieve Daniel from his long hours of labor; it isn't his fault this happened and he's paying the price; therefore, I work dirty jobs.
I returned to the workforce mopping the streets from bowel movements, rotten food, and dead rodents. Another side job resulted in me killing pests to control infestations inside homes and apartments then cleaning up the bodies of overpopulated rodents, cockroaches, bed bugs, etc.
I'm earning less than twenty copper coins a job and I can only find work amongst the lower class. Anyone that didn't live in poverty had heard of the garden incident and won't dare hire me.
I needed a real job.
I returned home from a pointless job search and a tough day cleaning excrement of various people and creatures. I rubbed the bottoms of my aching feet and tried to relax without thinking about money. Dodger sat by the fireplace, running his hands across the textured brick.
Knock, knock, I hear the tapping on the door.
"Who could that be?"
Without unlocking the chain, I opened the door allowing a small crack to peer through. There was a young man with a gray flat cap and a vest to match.
"State your business?" I asked.
"I'm a debt collector for Lady Deinan." He said sternly not leaving even the slightest tone of empathy. His resolve must have been hardened by the people that attempted to elude their debt.
"Hold on, please." I closed the door and retrieved the money off the counter I prepared for this. Thirty silvers, my fingers clenched around the coins until they jabbed into my skin. Imagine what else I could pay for with these glistening pieces of mineral. This wasn't my fault and we're paying for the damages. I clenched tighter, the physical pain distracted my mind from my reluctance to pay.
I opened the door and dropped the coins in his hand.
"Nah-ah-ah, Lady!" He boomed. "Lady Deinan changed her mind and had the judge send you paperwork asking for one gold coin a month instead of the silvers!"
"I never received anything of the sort! This is a scam!"
"It's not my problem, little lady! Come on, cough them up!" His hand lingered in the air as a beggar held a hand out for money. This guy was tall and appeared much stronger than I, my heart stuttered at the thought of him breaking my door down and beating every gold coin out of my possession. He would find none, and then kill me.
I shook my head to refuse.
"They sent out a letter last week with the details." He explained.
"I won't give you anything until I'm given proof." I stood my ground regardless how thin-skinned I felt. Twenty extra silvers would make a gold coin and those silvers were needed for food and more clothes for Dodger since he was sprouting like a plant.
"Fine. Lady Deinan isn't going to be happy about this." He pointed a finger at me. "I'll be back!"
He left with my silver coins. My heart sank lower into my chest.
"How are we going to survive this?" I sank into the pillows on the couch, my knees ached as they bent. My stress was showing through my skin in the shape of a boney rib cage. I barely lived past two months with this debt hanging heavily on my shoulders. If we couldn't make one gold coin per month and send it to Lady Deinan we'll be fined. If we can't keep up with the fine they'll haul me off to prison and I'll serve my sentence until I pay off the debt through many long years of service to the state.
I wanted to cry again. Release it all and just get it off my chest.
I waited and prayed to the goddess of mercy that the man never returned but he did. Each knock on the door hit a nerve and my chest ached, I became sick with anticipation. I opened the door and he shoved the paper into my face.
"That's a copy for you to keep so you don't get confused." He spat.
There it was… Signed and approved without my knowing. I must owe a gold coin each month when I can barely make thirty silvers. We're going to starve.
I scrounged around our house, pulling silver and copper coins out of our savings until I had enough to equal the worth of a gold coin. They plopped into his hands. He re-counted, then left.
I paid our debts this month pulling money out of our savings, how am I to do this again next month?
Just as the last piece of my good spirits walked out of the apartment Daniel barged through the door.
"Mae, I have great news!" The first thing I wanted to ask was "what news?" After noticing the bottle in his hands, I asked:
"Is that wine?" He held up a bottle and three glasses with a cheeky smile on his face. "Where did you get that?"
"I already got the gold coin for next month as well as a couple silvers." He genuflected beside me and poured wine into each glass. "With this we can start saving up to get ahead. We're going to make it!"
"How did you know we owed a gold coin instead of what was previously agreed on?" His smile dampened.
"We received a letter a couple days ago about the new arrangements."
"And you failed to tell me?" I'm agitated, I could have saved myself the trouble of fighting with the debt collector and throwing up my heart in a nervous fit.
"I'm sorry. When I read the letter I became determined to pay the debt. Instead of telling you, I went to work and forgot about it, assuming you read it." He sounded sincere, I dropped it and moved onto the next problem. Reluctantly, I knew the answer to my question.
"You gambled, didn't you?"
"That's not significant, we have the money!" His smile returned. I shook away the feeling that it was more severe than that. What's done is done, but if he hadn't won we could have lost our home, our couch, our chairs, not to mention the twenty copper pieces we had left for food. It may not be much to most, but to me that was butter to go with the only loaf of bread in this house.
"I implore you, please don't ever do this again! " I begged of him, then chugged the wine he handed me. "I'll find a decent job. I swear."
"Yea, yea, yea…" was his answer.
I stared him down, seriousness in my eye until he looked at me and gave me a better answer, but he avoided my gaze by turning around and plopping on the couch. I joined him. Daniel deserved this win, he deserved a break.
Moments later mother returned from the market carrying a bag of her knits.
"It's brutal out there. I only sold two sweaters today and a shawl." She called from the hallway.
"Summer solstice is upon us, momma, nobody needs sweaters and shawls." I twisted around the couches back to answer her. Daniel hummed as he put the kettle on the fireplace.
"The stuffed animals definitely do the trick this time of year." She dropped her basket defeatedly on the ground. Her face twisted into concern at the large jug of wine on the coffee table. "Can we afford that?"
"Yes, we can." Daniel said with a chipper in his voice.
"He gambled." I brought it up again hoping he'd talk about it.
"Daniel!" Mother shrieked.
"Oh, lay off! It was only once."
"Let's pray it was only once." I said to him.
"Then I'll take the wine back!"
"Now, children," mother interrupted. "Daniel said it was only once, we need the money and he provided as the man of the house should. I don't necessarily agree with the method but we're a good family and Daniel won as a reward. This must be a blessing from the Goddessa."
Daniel dropped his gaze with shame on his face. What was he hiding from us?
"Yes, a blessing." He agreed with slight disgrace in his voice. Questions swelled in my brain, I wanted to know what was going on in his head. I said nothing since he agreed not to do it again. Even then, I couldn't shake the horrible feeling inside my stomach.
With mother joining in, the situation went from being stressful to ridiculous and filled with laughter in a matter of minutes, or hours, I can't remember. With little food to absorb the alcohol we got silly within a few sips. We passed the time playing dice and cards, Mother taught us a few games that she learned at the market today.
"We're almost out!" I swayed the bottle in circular motions hoping that the blood red liquid would magically refill itself. We laughed and giggled in hushed voices trying our very best from waking the sleeping toddler in the other room. We relocated ourselves to the kitchen hoping that the extra layer of plaster would muffle out our voices even in the slightest bit.
"I should get the last drop!" Daniel spoke loudly.
"Sush!" My pointer finger rested above my mouth. Daniel fumbled forward, reaching for the bottle with his long arms. Pushing him away almost caused me to fall backwards.
"I think I should get it!" I slurred every word. He leaned on me with all his weight, I stumbled against the wooden counter. It jabbed into my side forcing a screech to pierce the silence.
"Sshhhhhh!" Daniel hushes as he put a finger to my mouth. "Don't wake the baby!" Daniel mocked with the worst impression of me I've ever heard.
"Speaking of which I'm going to check up on him." My mother being the responsible drunk took the pressure off my shoulders and the worry off my chest. With her taking care of that baby I could care for this baby.
Mother left the room, a cue for Daniel to run his hands up and down my body. He slithered his arms around me and hugged me tightly, I was pinned between him and the counter, I couldn't escape. A sharp pain pierced my neck as he bit me, then began kissing me violently.
"Daniel!" I giggled. Pushing against his chest I could feel his muscles underneath his thin cotton shirt. "Mother will be back! Stop it."
My words contradicted my feelings. I wanted nothing more than to have alone time together, but living in a small apartment with four people was impossible to get privacy. We always rushed our love, and had to hide around the corner.
"Come on. She knows what sex is. It's nothing to be ashamed of."
"I am not ashamed of sex!" I pushed again but my alcohol-jelly arms did me no good. "It's just that... I don't..."
Pushing a one-hundred-seventy-pound man off of a one-hundred and fifteen-pound girl is difficult to say the least, I needed to concentrate on one thing at a time, and talking was not it. The buckles to my corset clinked as Daniel fumbled to unbuckle them. Crossing my arms did little to protect them as he shifted to the next one. The repositioning of my arms made it impossible to relieve his weight against me. I felt suffocated between the two.
"Later!"
"We never get a chance for later. Why not now? " He rubbed his nose against my cheek then slid it across my skin. He twirled his nose around mine in little circles as he spoke softly to me. I was entranced by his affection and let the moment unfold.
I unfurled my arms and ran my fingers up his chest then across his collar bone. I allowed the contours of his body to guide my fingers to his jawline. We ogled at each other, leaning closer with each second. A small peck on my lips sent an ecstatic pulse of lightning from my mouth down to my groin.
"Dodgers missing!" Mother barged through the opening of the kitchen.
"What!" Almost as if being drunk was a choice, I sobered up. I shoved Daniel off me and ran to the bedroom.
The orange glow from the candles lighted the bedroom slightly, but I could make out the tidy room. The blankets lay flat on the floor with the pillows aligned neatly on top, it was without a small bump of a child hiding underneath and no wrinkles that suggested he even touched the blankets at all. Dirty clothes splayed across the rim of our laundry basket and mounded at the top.
I ran to the basket and tossed clothes aimlessly as my heartbeat rose at the thought that Dodger was missing. Reaching the bottom with all our clothes on the floor proved he wasn't hiding in there.
"Where is he!?" I spun on the balls of my feet, my stare demanded answers from mother and Daniel. They replied with horrified faces. I turned over the entire room, blankets lay disheveled, pillows crumbled in a pile, everything thrown in a corner until only a hair was left on the wooden floor.
"Who would take him! What's the point of ransoming a child of a family that has no money!" My body quivered with fear. Nothing else seemed rational, he's too small to escape on his own. "It's that bitch Lady Deinan! She knows you gambled and you have extra money! She wants it!" I screamed, my words filled with accusations.
"If this is the work of kidnappers why didn't we hear them enter?" Mother asked trying to calm me down.
"We're drunk... They could have easily snuck in." Daniel added. A waterfall of burning tears poured from my eyes and gasping sobs kept me from talking.
Daniel, with two women looking to him for answers inspected the window in the living room. He lifted underneath the metal lip that protruded from the bottom window frame, it didn't budge. He rubbed his hands through his hair and mumbled in deep thought when he turned to consider other escape routes. Walking towards the front door, mother and I followed him. He wiggled the knob to assure us it was locked.
"I don't think Dodger was kidnapped." He turned to us. "The door and the window are both locked and undisturbed."
"What if they locked it after themselves!" It was a possibility I considered. My hands folded together as I prayed silently to the patron saint of children, Boone Morgan.
"No kidnapper in his right mind would take the time, or risk being caught to relock the doors, Mae. Think reasonably. We're just going to have to look about the entire apartment. Mother, can you check the kitchen?" She nodded in response and spun into the kitchen. The cupboard doors banged, and pots clanged together as she searched.
"Mae, you check into the room again and I'll get the living room."
I sighed, about to speak with discouraging thoughts running my mouth. "He could've had a nightmare and hid somewhere in the house." Daniel reassured me, he rubbed my shoulder with a comforting hand. I agreed.
Back in the bedroom I lighted a few more candles and then began my search. With one more destructive look about the room, clothes flinging left and right, the bed in disarray, the drawer pushed away from the wall, and the hamper overturned I decided to clean up as a method of finding him. I folded clean clothes, threw the dirty ones in the hamper after setting it back up, picked up some of Dodgers toys and threw away random pieces of trash. Instead of finding Dodger I had recovered a few pairs of socks, an old brush that disappeared last week and was hiding behind the drawer, and a handful of hair ties.
The minutes lagged on. With each idea of his whereabouts I was turned down. My heart heavier with each disappointment.
"Is he really gone?" I fell to my knees, a pain jolted through my leg but I ignored the minor issue.
"Mae..." Standing on each side of the doorway, mother and Daniel looked upon me with grave eyes.
"We can't find him, Mae." Daniel said solemnly.
"Can you give me a moment." I wanted to be alone to better understand this deep state of depression I was in. I was brought down so quickly, too soon. Nothing, not even my father's death left me feeling this despondent.
A sudden rush to my head and the room spun. I forgot I was still drunk, the sudden adrenaline rush sobered me only temporarily. My shoulders felt as heavy as boulders, my eyes drooped, and my muscles became loose. I slouched, then slinked to the floor to take a break from everything.
Dodgers stuffed chimera lay on the bed next to me, I curled it into my arms and held onto it tightly. Dodgers distinct smell loomed on his stuffy. I took a large sniff and a wave of images rushed through my head; Dodgers sharp teeth that gleamed when I blew on his belly, his cackle as he let Robber loose on the dragons, and his cursed eyes.
I lost track of time as my thoughts seemed to pile on. How long was I lying down, an hour? Only a few measly minutes could have passed by, I don't know.
My mind shifted to my surroundings as a slight tingle numbed my toes and fingers. My sleeping position was cutting the circulation from my appendages. I tried to move. My brain sent the signal to sit up, to turn over on my belly and curl my arms underneath my pillow, but I couldn't, my body wasn't responding to any commands other than to open my eyes.
The wind outside howled as the rain pelted down against the side of the apartment, the sound quickly died out as the fierce beating of my heart grew. A pressure on my chest felt suffocating, I breathed deeper hoping I could return to normal.
I wanted to scream for Daniel and cry for help. My brain sounded loud to myself but all my pleas for help were wordless.
My body struggled to thrash around, I tried to flail my arms, kick my feet, anything if it meant I broke out of being paralyzed. A sense of fear caught my attention, I switched my focus from moving to a dark essence behind me. A dark fritting movement in the corner of my eye grabbed my full attention.
I wasn't alone.
Whatever this thing was, I could feel it's malevolent desire to harm me. The presence was stationary, the only sound it made was a stuffy breathing that was out of sync with own. I couldn't make out details, but it was a puff of dark smoke. It's face was out of my peripheral view, but a feeling that made my gut churn told me it was staring at me, smiling.
I attempted another scream but nothing came out.
I've had nightmares before that woke me in the middle of the night with cold sweat beading across my brow. I knew they weren't real, a petty fear that lasted but a second. It was my brain relaying its worst fears. But this was real, if this presence wanted to harm me I couldn't do anything about it. I was vulnerable, I couldn't even scream for help or release the built-up tension of fear through my voice. This wasn't fear, it was terror.
The darkness faded as feeling slowly returned to my body. I had no intention to flail with panic when I could move again but I jolted forward to inspect the room. The room was fuzzy as tears from fright blurred my vision.
Was it just a dream? Nothing more but a trick of the mind?
My hopeless feeling of the paralyzing terror left my pounding heart as a familiar whimper reached my ears. Back towards the bedroom door, Dodger curled up in a ball with his night clothes on. He cowered in the corner like a beaten dog.
"Dodger! I'm so happy you're ok!" I scuttled on my hands and knees and swept Dodger into my embrace, but I got more warmth from a block of ice. Dodgers skin was freezing.
I was welcomed with a shrill screech and swift fist to my face. Dodger wiggled fiercely until he fell from my arms. The sound of him crawling away pattered against the floor until it was muffled by the comfort of blankets.
"Dodger! It's me!" I didn't want to touch him with fear he'd panic again and lash out, instead I talked sweetly to him. "Dodger, you're home…"
The only sound breaking the silence was the skootching my knees made against the floor and Dodgers soft cries.
"Honey, it's ok. It's me? It's Mae, you're mother." Dodgers cries softened. I used it as a sign that he was regaining some sense. The scratchy blanket had a small hint of heat when I patted Dodgers back. He didn't panic, he didn't cry.
His head popped out from the blanket and reached his arms out with his fingers spread wide, his language for, "carry me." Wrapping Dodger like a burrito, I picked him up with the blanket and cuddled with him until his cheeks were warm again. I wanted to feel safe knowing Dodger was with me, but a dark presence hasn't gone away. The black figure was gone but malice still lingered in the room.
The light from the candle faded. It's surprisingly dark, even for a large wick. The flickering dance of light slowed down with time and my breathing increased again. A shadow in the corner grew darker, it's presence was different from the last one, it didn't paralyze me with fear but I could still feel hatred emanate from it. It began to take shape as a human body with broad shoulders. Brown hair took form in the light and peeking from thin strands were clouded eyes. Deep inside the dark corner I could see my father and my own weakness reflected in it.
"Daniel." I whispered as blood seeped from a deep gash across the neck. My words became stuck, I tried to swallow my fear but it turned into knots in my neck.
Pain stabbed at my heart, my head spun with questions again just as I had when I lost my father. The tragedies that followed his suicide struck sorrow into my heart and filled my head with unwanted memories. I tried to push them away, but they forced themselves into my head with vivid images. I was there again.
It was dark. I didn't have a candle at the time, we weren't poor but father said it was redundant to have candles in the middle of winter when the moon was brightest. I had this feeling, an awful sense of fear and pain. The darkness revolved around a lighted pathway. I treated it like a dangerous man and strayed away for fear it would grab me. Forever stuck with him.
"Father?" I called out to him but he never replied. "Father, I had a bad dream."
Nothing. My father never came to my aid when it was normal for him to be my knight that fights the terror away.
Father was a knight of the king; mother told me, he did his dirty work. I was raised in a loving home, but father stained the white walls with the horrible stories he kept bottled in his heart. I feared the darkness that he cast and they grew in the corners. On that night, they were as real and black as ever.
"Father, please tell me you're ok!" I knocked on his door with my lips an inch from the wood. I turned around and reassured myself that no one stood behind me. I needed his comforting embrace. I opened the door.
Pooling on the floor was a pitch-black ooze glinting with red where the moon light touched it. Eaten by the dark shadows that were overcast by the wall that blocked out the light was my father's body, his hand loosely clasping the knife. The darkness consumed his mind and he drove himself to slit his own throat in an area where he was the most comfortable; In the darkness.
Where was my mother? I can't remember. I remember screaming and never walking in a dark room ever again.
Dodger grasped my dress and wailed with panic. His fingers tightened, pinching my skin and breaking me from my trance. The darkness that surrounded my father bled towards us, and with every inch it covered he stepped forward. When the darkness was inches from my toes I found my voice again.
"Daniel!" I screamed as loud as my lungs could muster, Dodger matching the pitch of my voice screamed. I closed my eyes, I don't want to watch as the darkness consumed me.
"Mae! Where are you?" Daniel barged through the door. He discovered us on the floor. "You scared me! Thank the sky you're alright."
I didn't let Dodger go, I held onto him tightly, afraid that the nightmare will resume. Daniel caressed my cheek with his hand. Feeling his touch helped bring me back into reality. The terror was over but the sorrow of my fathers death returned.
"I don't understand..." Tears burned from my eyes.
"What?"
"I understood that he had nightmares and demons darker than the deepest depths of the ocean… But how could he do that to himself? I never understood why he left me." I cried aloud, my tears turning to gasping sobs. "What could I have done to keep him alive?"
"Mae, you had a nightmare. It's alright." Daniel rubbed his hand between my shoulder blades for comfort.
"No! It wasn't a dream! I saw him! He was standing there!" I scolded Daniel. I raised my hand to bat his away.
"Your father?" He asked with skepticism.
"Yes! He's right there!" I pointed to the farthest corner where I last saw him. Nothing, just the faded light from the candle against the corner of the room.
"It was just a dream." Daniel cradled my face in his hands and turned my eyes away from the corner. The tip of his thumb swept across my cheek and wiped away a few stray strands of hair.
"No, Daniel, I saw him. He was real!"
"Mae, it's just a lucid dream. They are surprisingly real." My mother chimed in. I'm disgusted at their disbelief in me.
"He was there! I promise you..." Then I remembered something. "Dodger."
I lifted him from my lap until he sat up, I brushed my fingers through his hair removing them from his eyes. Dodgers eyes were red and wide with fright.
"Dodger, baby, if there is ever a time to talk, now is it." Instead of talking he grabbed my braid and reeled himself into the nape of my neck. Warmth had not returned to Dodgers hands, the cold from his fingers sent a shiver through my spine.
"Dodger, where did you disappear to?" I asked. He never uttered a word.
"Mae, this is ridiculous! He had a nightmare and hid behind the door. We didn't check because it was too obvious. He never disappeared." Daniel said with harsh words. "It was just a nightmare."
"You don't believe me!" I raised my voice. "He left and he brought something back with him!"
"Believe what? That your father came back from the dead? Where is he Mae?" He stood up quickly and paced around the room. He opened the closet door. "Is he hiding in here?"
"Stop it..." My mothers voice quivered. Daniel walked up to me and pointed towards the door with an open palm. "Let's learn from our mistakes and check behind the door!"
Before I could retaliate mother butted in.
"That's enough! Separate yourselves from one another!" Mother grabbed me by the arm and forced me into the kitchen. "Both of you need a time out."
Before she left me alone to cool down she lingered by the door.
"Dream or not, I don't want to hear another word about your father." She left with a tear in her eye. She always pushed her feelings for him aside like it was easy to forget him. I wanted to talk, letting our sorrow pour out of our system, but she only ever pushed me away. Because of mother's bitter hatred for my father, instead of reincarnating him into something beautiful I wouldn't doubt that her memory reincarnated him into something meticulous and evil - something my love couldn't save him from. I can't hate her because of it. I wasn't the only one who suffered. She raised me alone, she was privileged with money, but her despair forced her from prosperity. Her life of leisure died with my father.
Seconds later Dodger ran into the room and plowed into me. My only witness - a mute child. How do I prove myself? I ran my fingers through Dodgers hair and followed a strand that curled. His hair was always neat and soft, I rarely had to brush his hair.
Was it truly just a dream?
"Dodger, did you see him? That man?"
My hopes raised but fear struck at me when Dodger made a slicing motion across his neck with his finger. I never talked about my father to Dodger, knowing my mother, neither did she. He couldn't have known that he slit his throat unless he saw it himself, even then, Dodger can't see so how could he possibly know that?
"Robber." He spoke in a small squeaky voice that I've never heard before.
"What?"
"I wanted to find Robber." He said rubbing his eyes. "He followed me."
"How did you leave the house?" I asked with curiosity. My heart wanted to rejoice, Dodger spoke to me for the first time. Under the grim circumstances I couldn't find the joy I needed to bounce with happiness.
"Mnakaraneh took me there. He said I couldn't find Robber because she doesn't have a soul." Dodger spoke with little stuttering, he was surprisingly fluent considering that he's never uttered a word before. He acted as if he has been talking forever.
"Who is this person!? Why would he tell you that?" My face flushed with heat. Every creature has a soul, and to tell Dodger that Robber didn't have a soul contradicts all the stories I apprised to help him overcome his sorrow.
"He's a friend of mine!" He said. I wondered if he was an imaginary friend. Tonight's activities are pushing that possibility off the ledge. "I argued with him, I said she did, and he said that if I found her soul then he would admit he's wrong, but I'd have to visit him to find her."
"Then what?" I asked.
"So, I met him on the other side and we looked. I thought I saw you there, Mae. I followed you and ran into that man. I got scared and Mnakaraneh brought me back, but he tells me 'Dodger, you need to take me with you and I'll return you home.' So, I did. I held onto him tight and we came back together."
"And that man followed you?" Dodger nodded his head. "Where did Mnakaraneh go?"
"In the dark places in the apartment."
"What is he Dodger?" I interrogated him, hoping this thing wasn't the pitch-black figure with the evil in its heart that paralyzed me.
"He's my friend." Dodger said.
Trying to get an answer from Dodger will be as difficult as catching imaginary mice. I don't think Dodger understood the severity of the situation, especially since Dodger considers it his "friend."
I sat silently on the floor waiting for my heart to calm itself, but it kept beating louder. There are too many questions and no answers. I doubted that I'd sleep tonight and didn't try.