Hi guys.... IM BAAAAAAAAACCCCKKKK!!!!!!! 😅😁
Yep! You heard it right!
Err... I mean... you read it right fellas 😉
So!
First and foremost,
I would like to extend my deepest and sincerest gratitude to all of you guys. Who never left me and continue to motivate me to keep going forward.
For all of your comments. Word of encouragement and prayers... Thank you so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so grateful for having you all guys... Thank you so much... 😘
I promise that I will continue fighting and do my best to be brave enough to endure the pain and sorrow.
To be honest. The pain, it never recedes...
Every time before I go to bed, as I pray for His guidance, I always wept. As in I cried hard.
Until my eyes, felt tired, and I will fall to sleep.
In the middle of the night, I will wake up crying.
The pain, the sorrow, the agony, loneliness.... it wakes me up every time. I can't even have a good night's sleep.
I keep waking up after 3 to 4 hours.
I will sleep crying, then I will wake up crying and then it will repeat like that. Just like a cycle. It is always like that.
Then I will stir on my bed, sit up and look around. I am all alone.
Then the cold atmosphere does not help but instead exacerbates my great feeling of sadness.
It still hurts so bad. The pain is always there.
But one day I learned something. After so many failed attempts of suicide, realization dawn at me.
No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I wanted to end it my way. No matter how I try to escape if it is not His will. If it is not how He plans it to be.
IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
It is not for us to decide about our life and death. It was for us to follow where He wants us to go.
Instead of closing our eyes. Shutting ourselves to everything around us. Instead of avoiding the pain.
I think, what we should do is embrace it. No matter how hard and painful it is. There is no turning back. We have to face it head-on.
If we cannot see, then let Him walk for us. If we don't know where to go, let Him lead us. If we're not sure what to do, then just go with the flow. He will always put us at His best interest.
Anyways!
Again, I would like to apologize for the hiatus. But starting today, I will be working on it. Don't worry.
As much as I can, I will do my best to be back at updating on a daily basis... (Cross finger) hehe...
Just so you know, I'm still having all those negative thoughts and urge to do the unthinkable. A lot of my friends who knew my situation recommend me to go seek professional help.
And personally, I think I badly needed that as well, especially those meds. I think I need that to ease the pain, cause maybe. Maybe these thoughts and feelings. All this negativity could be a result of a chemical imbalance in my brain?. Hmmmm.. Dunno for sure. Who knows? Only a professional in that field could say.
So, I ask for my parent's help. I mean I beg them to have me checked with the professional for diagnosis and possible solution. But the thing is, they don't believe with the word "DEPRESSION"
They were too old school. Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against old school ideas. No offense meant. But what I am trying to say is they were not familiar with it because, during their time, DEPRESSION is not yet commonly known.
Well actually, up until now, there are still a lot of people who do not have any idea how "DEPRESSION" could affect one's life.
My depression, for them, is nothing but just a simple sadness, I am just being overdramatic. Too sensitive.
Also, they are attributing this so-called illness to laziness. I am just being lazy, I just want to lay back and trying to avoid responsibilities and sorts.
Well, I cannot blame them though. It is the lack of information and proper education that results in this.
When I heard them said that, I feel sorry.
I feel sorry for people like them who do not know a thing about this treacherous and cunning existence. That has great potential for stealing the lives of their loved ones.
Also, I feel sorry for those unfortunate victims and will become victims (hope not) of DEPRESSION who was misunderstood.
Because the people around them were thinking that this DEPRESSION was just all in their heads. That all they just need to do was to snap out of it, or choose to be happy. And then, that is it.
VOILA! Case closed. Issue resolved...
If only it is as easy as that. Haaaaayyy...
"No one is dumb enough to make light of their own life. When one was really pushed to that state, only they can understand the pain that they are experiencing.
Suicide is not a spur of the moment thing. The reason will be buried in their hearts for a long time ago. Then suddenly, one day, due to a certain trigger, in that instant, the person will be overwhelmed by negatives emotions.
Many suicides are premediated. But people around them rarely noticed it.
If they just paid a little bit more attention and made some changes, so many lives could be changed."
(the following were an excerpt that I read from MHOH, but this is bull's eye!)
Technically, what I'm trying to do right now was doing a self-prescribed therapy for myself/ advocating depression awareness.
Err... I was just randomly typing and sharing my thoughts to you guys. Hehe.. Have you noticed? LOL!
AYE! Back on our top concern. Yeah, stay tuned, cause I will be starting to upload more chapters in the coming days for the continuation of our daily dose of Janus!
They were about to reach their destination!
The Magus Academiaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!
I so am excited to start doing magic and spells here and there. HEHEHEHHE..
SORCERESS 101. Here they come!
******
PS.
Special thanks to FallenBlue if you are reading this (Maries).
Muah! Muah! Muah!
You never abandoned me and the first person to reach out to me and lend me a hand.
Also to Sunako (Ivy)... Err not sure what's your name in WN. I was basing it at your discord account. Hehe.
You guys never stop and were so patient to me no matter how stubborn, hopeless and annoying I am. You accompany me personally even though I know you two were busybodies as well.
Even to the point of staying late night chatting just to keep me occupied. Thank you so much and I'm sorry for the trouble and inconvenience.
To be honest, I never expected that it will be you two who will accompany me in my darkest days
Please always remember that you two are unsung heroes.. hihihihi...
How I wish, every depressed person has a friend like you guys. Well. I am so lucky, I got two! Yeah!