I tried to fall asleep but there was so much going on in my head. Mostly I did fall asleep as soon as I lay down on my bed after all the work. Today was exceptional. I close my eyelids and wait for the slumber to take over me. I toss around the bed, moving all around the bed.
There's some one coming at my direction, some one who seems to be familiar with me. I can recognise her body. Looking further into the oblivion, her giggling noise fills my ears. I try to follow that shadow which leads me to a place. That person was standing still, keeping her face opposite direction. Drops of water was falling on the naked body.
I was shamelessly staring at her without any sense of fear. She moved her head and I was shocked to see that it was Stella.
I opened up my eyes and I realised that it was a dream. My breathing was heavy. Sweat was overflowing from my forehead even though the air con was still working. I got up to drink some water which made me aware of something. I noticed that my little guy has reacted to the lewd dream.
Last time when I got a boner was back in my high school days. That's when the puberty hit me like a ocean wave. Back to those old days I used to get laid often. I stopped it around the second year of my college. It was hard to maintain both college and dad's company. Even when I was with Regina I had to go through with make out sessions to make my little guy response.
I instantly felt ashamed and embarrassed of my own reaction. Never thought I would have this types of crazy dreams about her. Although I did have two other before but at least they were still decent enough. I let out a sigh and went back to sleep.
I came to downstairs after getting ready for work. I sat down on my chair and Stella came to serve the food. Seeing her face made me remember last night's incident. My face instantly heated up with embarrassment.
" Good morning." Placing the plate on the table she greeted me.
" Good morning." I kept my head down, trying to avoid her gaze. I finished my breakfast and left without talking with her. Somehow I wanted to avoid her.
"What is wrong with me?" I muttered to my self. First Regina, now Stella I'm just acting rude again and again. If this goes on I'll end up hurting Stella also.
Regina was gone from my life. I don't have any remorse for her. I was bit angry though but now I really don't care. It's not like I cheated or anything. Girls are so complicated I could never understand them.
I drowned myself into work even, over worked to tackle with my loneliness. It may sound Cliché but work is my only loyal friend. The more thoughts I put into it, the more results i get from it. It never disappoints me.
" Hey is everything all right? You don't look good." John was concerned about me that's why he noticed my odd behaviour.
Yes I'm not okay, I'm going through a lot and I don't know what to do. I really wanted to tell him all those but why bother. Sharing my burdens of loneliness to someone isn't gonna help me out.
" Nah I'm fine." that's all I could say.
At this time I can only relay on one person and that is Stella. However I'm way to disturbed and not confident enough to explain this things. It scares me but mostly it makes me feel ashamed of myself.
Maybe I don't deserve life and attention anymore. Somehow this body, soul, mind are not at peace anyway. Late night depression and metal breakdowns— yeah I have gone through that phrase. It's all coming back again.
Every time I need someone to listen to my worries, my problems, my pain I'm alone. I never had a person who is good enough to calm me down. These uneasy feeling of my are fucking with my brain.
Work was not enough to put me out of my misery so I came to a bar. I sat on the counter and kept on drinking. I wanted to be at ease.
The bartender made the sixth drink which I ordered. He handed me the glass and kept on staring at me. I felt little bothered by his gaze
" You wanna say something?" I asked the bartender holding the glass of alcohol.
" Sir, do you have any love problems?" I was surprised by his question.
" No why did you asked?" My jaw clenched as I replied to him.
" I have been seeing you since you got here and you are drinking alone by yourself, looking kinda upset so I thought you were feeling down. Most people come here after they get dumped or they want to confess their love." I frowned after listening to him and technically it's not half wrong. I did broke up with Regina but right now I'm that concerned about her. I looked back at the bartender who seems like a angel sent from heaven. He's a total stranger so telling my problems won't effect me anyway. So I took the initiative for discussing my problems.
" Umm... well ... the thing is I do have some issues. There's a girl, she's a very good and genuine person. I have known her for almost three months. I really love talking with her she's a great friend to me. But-"
" But?" The bartender guy was eagerly waiting for me to continue.
" I am having this weird dreams about her from past few days." I told him after hesitating for a bit.
" What types of dreams?"
" Kinda like sexy dreams. I mean the one you see and then get boner type."
" You mean wet dreams?"
" Yeah. Sort of."
" Well then do you think about her all the time? Or like most of the time?"
I do think about her a lot. Like what she's doing in her office or what she will cook for dinner.
" Umm yeah."
" Love! It's love bro." The bartender gave me a 'Are-you-kidding-me' type of look and rolled up his eyes.
" You sure?"
" One hundred and ninety nine percent sure! I have been dealing with so many guys like you. It's definitely love that's why you kept on dreaming about her." I was astonished hearing this and dazzled also.
Me? And love? And with Stella?
Come on, I mean seriously? Her? We are just good friends and we know each other for like three months. How can I fall in love with her?
Rubbing my forehead with the hand I kept my gaze downward. My head was spinning as the alcohol started to hit my nerves. It hurts like hell. I feel like my head will explode at any moment.
" Sir. Sir! Sir you okay?" I can hear the faint voice of the bartender calling out to me. I got up from my chair and without saying any word I left from there, placing the money on there counter.
I don't usually drive after drinking but my head was filled with so many things. Somehow I managed to drive back home. I was not in a good condition still I was able to reach home safely. I wasn't hungry or felt like eating anything. I directly went into my room and locked it. After few minutes I heard a knock on my door.
" Theo you're back, come downstairs for dinner." Stella asked me from the other side of the door.
" I'm not hungry. You go eat." I'm really sorry Stella but honestly I don't want to hurt you. I want to gather up my thoughts. It's better than taking a rough decision which will make me regret in future. First I want to know if I really love Stella or not.
Maybe I'm feeling comfortable with her because she is so naive and friendly with me. I don't want to make things awkward between us I want to stay like this.
~ to be continued