My mind is in chaos, I can't figure out the way to get out from here. It's like I'm trapped in a whirlwind, moving round and round of a same thing. As simple and easy it may look like in reality it's hard to except the fact.
What is love?
A feeling that makes you happy when you're with your loved one.
A feeling of joy that makes you see everything positively.
A feeling of power that gives you strength to overcome any situation.
That's what all I thought or knew about . But to experience it for the first time may become a great challenge to me.
It's useless to deny the fact that I love Stella. At this point no matter how hard I try to ignore these thoughts I end up getting deeper into this mess. I can finally understand what love feels like. After being in all those past relationships I never felt it before which is why they never lasted. I am happy being like this although the problem is I'm afraid Stella doesn't feel the same way for me.
She married me to get away from her family and live her own life. I married her to avoid thinking about marriage and deal with my parents. We both agreed to this that we'd have separate lives, the one we wanna live. All this time she's been a great friend to me and supported me when I was upset, gave me advises when I needed it.
What if I confess my love to her and she rejects me?
We may have so many conversations together but I never asked about her love life or if she had any relationship. I mean unless I needed any advice for my relationship I never brought that topic up.
On this account I am remembering the nightclub incident. That day, I got so annoyed hearing about Stella befriending other guys from Regina. Now I know why it happened. But what Regina said can't be disregarded. For now I'm just a friend to Stella and our marriage is just a signature on papers. I have no rights to keep her away from other guys.
It makes me scared to be rejected by her. Being dumped by my ex girlfriends had never bothered me. What I fear most is, getting into an awkward situation with Stella. I love how we are right now.
So, to avoid those mishaps I decided to continue our lifestyle just the way it is. But there are times when I feel the urge to get close with her. It's not easy to live with the person, you love so much and they aren't aware of the fact.
My dreams were vivid and hazy. I'd wake up in middle of the nights. I was slowly becoming depressed from keeping all these stuffs secret. I still haven't told her that I broke up with Regina. I haven't contacted Regina either. My only focus was work. But even after working heavily I still managed to get home before dinner.
It was the only best thing of the day. We did talk, eat and sometimes watch movies. Days were going like this. My depression got worse even though I tried to hide it, people around me began to noticed it.
I didn't mind them, my only concern was that I have to hide it from Stella.
I reached home on time and went straight to my room. Getting inside the bathroom I calmed myself with a cold shower. When I got out from there I wore my clothes and went downstairs. I sat down on my chair waiting for the food.
" Welcome back. How was your day?" Hearing Stella's voice I moved my head to see her.
" Good. What about yours?" I noticed that she brought one plate with her. As she placed it down, I saw it was a burger, which had some French fries on the side.
" Nothing unusual." I frowned at her.
" Burger? You ordered food today?"
" No dummy! I cooked it and I made it as healthy as possible so don't worry much about your diet." It's been a long since I had a burger I mean eating burger in a five star restaurant is kinda abnormal.
As I picked up the burger with my two hands, juices started to drip from it. My mouth was instantly filled with saliva and my tummy was aching with hunger. I took my first bites of the burger. The juices and sauces were dripping from my mouth making it super messy.
I felt like I have become a kid again.
" Look at you, you're acting so childish." My eyes were fixed on the burger. I heard Stella's giggling and suddenly a hand gripped my mouth with a tissue paper. I looked up to see Stella's face which was few inches away from mine. She gently wiped my mouth, her breathing was falling on me. It had a sweet floral scent.
My heart was beating fast. I stayed still on my chair and tried to control my emotional rush. I was worried if Stella hears my heart beating in craziness. I could see her hazel brown eyes clearly. Her long black hair was loose open, frequently coming on her face.
Every thing about her feels so dreamy, the situation itself feels so dreamy to me.
I wanted this moment to stay like this. I wanted to grab her and hold her closer to my body. My wild fantasies were becoming barbaric, running away from my control.
Sadly this moment of happiness didn't lasted long. After wiping my mouth she got up.
" Thanks." I kept my reply short since I may have told something I don't wanna say. No matter how hard I tried I was smiling and blushing a little. Stella came back holding a plate which had burger for her. She took a big bite and all the sauces were dripping from her mouth. When our eyes met, we laughed out hard seeing each other. I took another bite which made my face messy again.
I was really enjoying this and so was Stella. Once again I forgot all about my worries and depression. We were laughing and wiping our face with tissues again and again.
" Hey, you okay?" She stopped her laughter and asked me bluntly.
" Yeah, why did you asked?" I replied her back while trying to catch my breath after all this laughing.
" Nothing, it's just you kinda seemed a little distracted these days. You would talk less and eat as fast as possible. I mean I'm not trying to get into your life but if there's any problem you can say it to me." Her eyes looked serious and I can tell how much she was worried by her voice. She was a sincere person from the beginning. In spirit of her simple and straight forward nature she will notice everything.
" You don't have to worry about it. If I ever have any problem I'll consult with you." Even though I wanted to express my gratitude for her the time seemed to betray me. After all the dinner was over and I'm not going to keep her up for discussing how noble she is. She has to go office and so do I.
I looked at her face which seemed unsatisfied you mr answer. It makes me feel guilty for lying to her.
" Well, actually there's a problem in the company which I'm trying to short out." As she heard me, her face lit up. I did had some problems with the new project so why not discuss it with her after all she also works in this field.
" What's the matter?"
" We are going to launch a new product but at the same time one of our product is performing bad since other companies are also trying to meet up with the customers expectations."
" How's the customer reviews on the product?" She asked me and she sounded serious.
" It's average."
" You can do one thing since you're launching new product you can give the old product as a free gift. Mostly people likes to try new things which are trendy so, when people will be buying the new product they'll have the old one also. Once they get it they'll use it and later came to know it's benefits.
On the other hand people will be eager to buy it since it has an extra gift."
~ to be continued