Sexual Habits
A survey on sexual habits was being carried out by a popular newspaper and one questioner stopped an elderly Italian gentleman in the street who was wearing a black suit and asked him how often he had sexual intercourse.
"Oh, about half a dozen times a year", said the gentleman.
The questioner smiled, "I thought you Italians were supposed to be sexy!" she said.
"We are," said the gentleman. "But, I don't think half a dozen times a year is so bad for a seventy-two year old priest with no car"
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The clock
There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws' place.
As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law, "When my son comes, do not call up my office and say that I have become a father of a boy because I'll have to shell out a lot for parties. Just leave me a message that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby."
The offspring does finally arrive one day, but it's a daughter.
The father-in-law now thinks to himself, "If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he'll misunderstand and think that something has happened to the baby and come rushing over."
So the father-in-law left the following message: "The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing."
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