Transplant
There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.
"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.
Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"
-------------
Celebrating Deepavali and Christmas
A very distinguished Indian lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.
The PROPRIETOR, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.
To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk sari and points to her right inner thigh, very high up.
"Right here," she says, " I want you to tattoo a clay lamp, and underneath it I want the word Diwali."
Then she points to her left thigh just as high up, and says, "On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top, and underneath it I want the word 'Christmas'".
The owner looks at her. "Ooh, lady, it's none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I've ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?
"Well," the lady said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to eat between Diwali and Christmas".