Taking the dog for a Walk
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog (Tommy) for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father", answered the mother, "I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Tommy for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Tommy over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Tommy?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
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The Seven kinds of Sex
I -- SOCIAL SECURITY SEX: Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know-I get a
little each month, but not enough to live on.
II -- LOUD SEX: A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
III -- QUIET SEX: Tired of a lifeless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She looked at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
IV -- CONFOUNDED SEX: A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
V -- WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX: A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 39th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband-Stiff At Last."
VI -- NO SEX: My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you
happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
VII -- OLD SEX: One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment...killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on a charge of murder.
The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She said coolly, "Yes, your Honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex.....he could fly."