The American Beer
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small" he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
Well, American beer" he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.
He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.
"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"
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The Torpedo Attack
During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese.
A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something... at least they would die laughing.
The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?"
The crew burst out laughing.
So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table.
Just when his dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator.
As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?"
The navigator told him how he hit his dick against the table.
The captain replied, "Well, in the future you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!"