Senior Dating
These two Widows Candice and Hazel, are talking.
Candice, "That nice Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Hazel, "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
"Then he takes me out for dinner, a marvelous dinner lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Candice, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Candice, "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Hazel , "No, no, no I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"
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Gorilla Remover
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." he calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean huge dog.
"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."
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