Numb... that's what I usually feel. Not all the time but most the time. When you can't shut off your voice in your head that constantly tells you you're not good enough then you need to do something to help yourself feel better. If you're numb then you just don't care.
It might sound bad but it helps when I have my bipolar episodes. Most people see them as getting angry randomly or at small things all the time but for me it's more of a panic attack. I basically start crying. What am I crying for exactly? I couldn't tell you.
My chest starts to feel tight and my head starts hurting and my thoughts get louder to where it almost sounds like someone else yelling in my ear that won't shut up. I've even hit myself in the head a few times when it got too much. That's also why I smoke. I don't smoke a lot but the little I do smoke really helps relax my mind.
Right now I'm sitting on the balcony to my room doing just that. Taking a deep inhale and slowly blowing out, watching the smoke disappear into the air. the smell and lightness of my head relaxes me and the stress from the day slowly blows out of my lungs with the white translucent smoke.
I have my phone in my hand reading a novel I found online. There are many different websites and apps I use to read but it's another thing that helps my thoughts. Being sucked into a good novel is such an amazing feeling. Being so immersed into a book you're able to laugh and cry along with the characters feels like I've been transported to another world.
Sometimes I feel stuck in this world and want to get out. Is that a morbid thought? Feeling like my body and the world I'm living in is a prison keeping me in and keeping me from being happy?
I'm almost done with my spliff when I hear my door open and little foot steps patter towards me. I keep my eyes on my phone thinking whoever it is will just leave me alone if I act like they arnt here.
I don't hear anything for a minute so I think whoever it is left but then I feel someone tugging on the end of my shirt. I look over and Casey is on his hands and knees holding onto me with his right hand.
I lift my hand to tug his hand away when I make contact with his bright green eyes. Something in me yells to just do what he wants and for some reason I listen. However once he sees I'm not pushing him away he crawls the rest of the way towards me and onto my lap and straddles me.
"Cuddles" he mumbles with red tinted cheeks and a pouty lip looking down with his hands on my shoulders.
I'm shocked for a second because random skin contact with strangers usually makes my skin crawl but when I look into his pleading eyes that basically says "don't push me away" I relax against his body with a sigh and softly wrap my arms around his small frame.
The look on his face when he realizes I'm letting him stay makes my heart flutter and I know I made the right choice. He has the biggest smile on his face showing his pearly white teeth and squinting his eyes. He lays his head on my chest and wraps his arms around my waist while nuzzling his face into me. It's seriously the cutest thing in the world and it takes all my will power not to aww out loud.
"Sleepwy" comes out of is lips with a cute little yawn and scrunched nose.
"If your sleepy then why don't you go to bed?" I ask.
"Because I wanna cuddle and I knews from the first looks at yous that you'd be very goods at cuddles."
Damn I just met this kid and my soft spot for him already feels a mile wide. How can he be so damn cute? He yawns again and I see a tear slowly fall on the corner of his eye. I bring my hand up and gently wipe it off, letting my hand linger on his soft cheek just long enough that I can get a feel of the silky skin under my fingertips.
"What's wrongs?" Casey's sweet voice asks in a hushed tone as our eyes make contact again. I'm kind of thrown off guard at how acute his sense of emotion is. The kid doesn't even know me but he can already tell when my stress is wrecking me emotionally.
"Hmmm" I hum wondering if I should open up a bit or just brush it off. I take another puff of my spliff and make sure to blow the smoke away from the cute creature in my lap before putting it out and facing Casey again.
"It's nothing munchkin, my emotions are just a little chaotic right now." I reassure him. He gives me a look like he doesn't completely believe me but he bites his lips and wraps his arms around my neck, cuddling into me. The slightest smile makes its way onto my lips.
A knock at my door startles is both from our relaxed state. We look over to see Faze standing there looking at us with a sweet smile. He walks over and pulls Casey out of my lap gently.
"Go to bed hun, you're gunna have a long day tomorrow. We're having a barbecue to welcome you to the house." He says as he heads out my door while carrying a half awake Casey.
After smoking a little more and getting some reading in I decide to take a shower and brush my teeth and of course take my contacts out so I can go to bed. As I lay down my brain runs through my day and I can't help but think that being here won't be so bad.
Waking up in the morning sucks. My head hurts and I just want to lay here for hours while reading on my phone. I'm honestly a night person. I love staying up super late and sleeping in but I can't do that here since everybody is pretty much on the same schedule. I honestly don't mind though since it's not that hard to change my sleeping patterns.
Apparently today we're having a barbecue for a 'welcome party' which I guess is fine since everybody here seems nice and I gotta admit they're pretty damn easy on the eyes. I wonder if Casey is naturally easily attached or if he just felt a special connection with me? I wouldn't mind either way, I've only spoken with him twice but I can already tell what type of heart he has, one that needs protection.
It's 7:30 so it should be time for breakfast if I remember the schedule Faze told me about yesterday correctly. I'm going to be a bit late though since I procrastinated getting out of bed for so long. After getting dressed and putting my contacts back in I head out of my room.
Once I get to the dining room I see Casey sitting on Fins lap at one side of the table and Faze sitting at the other side of the table. I sit down at the side with Erin next to me and the twins sitting beside each other in front of me. I wonder if Casey is close to everybody in the house like that? Maybe it's not just Casey though?
"You guys have free time after we eat till 3 and we'll start setting up for the Barbecue." Says Faze as he grabs some pancakes to put on his plate. I watch the way his arm flex's as he reaches out to the plate, defining the sculpted muscles that just makes my mouth water, even more than the Delicious food spread out in front of me. He puts some syrup on is food and cuts a slice bringing it to his lips.
After he puts it in his mouth my eyes wander to the drip of syrup falling out the corner of his cherry red and quite kissable lips. It felt like time went slower as I watch him stick his tongue out and lick the drip off. I can't stop myself from biting my lower lip while I stare at his tongue.
I look up and freeze when I realize we're making eye contact. Did he notice me staring? I'm in a trance when i notice the heated lust filled look in his eyes as he stares back at me. He smirks when he sees the blush I'm sure is making its way across my cheeks.
"Keep looking at me like that little one and I don't know if I'll be able to hold back." He says finishing his pancakes, putting his plate in the sink, and walking out the room. I hear giggles and look around me noticing the 3 little boys giggling. Erin has a shy smile and a smirking Fin is staring at me almost the same way that Faze was looking at me earlier.
Okay now I'm almost positive something is going on in this house and I'm pretty sure it isn't just them being attracted to me. Too much of a sexual haze covers this house and everybody acts like it's normal. If I'm right then does that mean they want me to join? Stop it Neon, your getting ahead of yourself. You haven't even been here a full day yet!
I've read all types of books since I started reading online novels. There's a book for literally everything I swear. I used to be kind of closed minded. I wasn't a homophobe or anything considering I've pretty much always known I swung both ways (even though I do prefer boys) but some of the crazier things like polyamory kind of weirded me out.
However the more you read the more you learn about different ways of life and different sexualities or even different relationships. I'm not even adverse to incest anymore, although I would never sleep with any of my own family but that's just how much I read. Kind of funny right?
I've always wanted to have a threesome or even more but never was able to get the nerve to actually ask anybody to. Just another thing I was afraid of being judged about. Did I want it enough to risk being judged to ask? No. Was I completely open to the idea? Fuck yes.