"...." I replied with guilty silence, my throat tightening like some one had recently strangled me.
"She's already feeling guilty enough for approving the marriage proposal from the royal family even though we knew that you have Donghae in your heart. So don't blame it on her all right? She only wishes the best for you and the family." He continued uneasily, opening up his true feelings. I had never seen him so concern for our mother or family before. Usually, Ji Sung would only care solely for himself, but I guess it's a male ego kind of think to not display signs of affection so easily.
But no matter how much of a little jerk he was, Ji Sung was my younger brother, and I loved him.
"...We broke up yesterday." I told him and I could sense his eyes widening in surprise; Donghae and I were always so sweet and loving. We were inseparable, like we were stuck together with superglue.
We were the couple every one envied in school, the couple that set relationship goals, we were the pair that had overcome our boundaries, the prince and the pauper, the true definition of love overcomes all.
And now...
The fairy tale had ended.
I sighed deeply as the images from the confrontation that happened the afternoon prior burned and seared into my memory. "...I caught him cheating on me when I went out yesterday to tell him about my sudden engagement," I elaborated. "We aren't together anymore."
"That jerk." Ji Sung seethed with great resentment. Upon seeing my solemn half opened eyes and hearing me sigh deeply again, he opted to cheer me up by waving his clenched fist in the air. "Want your muscular brother to go beat him into a pulp for you?" He joked and I giggled softly at his stupid act of 'brotherly love'.
"No thanks, I will personally beat him up myself." I mimicked the same movement with my clenched fist and we laughed together in unison.
Ji Sung sat up and patted my head after all the laughter had died down. My eyes went wide. I knew he was just trying to comfort me, it was his way of showing his love and concern. This was not the typical playboy Ji Sung that I had grown accounted to, this was the adorable Ji Sung that I remembered following me around when we were kids.
I could feel the tears stinging in my eyes but I held it back with great resistance. I couldn't let my siblings to see me like this. "Don't cry. You will ruin your makeup and get even uglier," he made a face and wiped off a tear that was threatening to drop from my lower lashes. "Get off the bed before you messy up your hairdo, it's almost time for you to go off."
I glanced at the digital wall clock and bolted out of my bed. I fixed the creases on my skirt with a few swipes. "Yes you're right, I am going to be late." I picked up one of my nicer looking white clutch and trotted out of my bedroom with Ji Sung trailing shortly behind me.
"Umma, I will be going now." I bowed down to her when I saw her watching television on the couch.
Now that Ji Sung had mentioned her illness, I began to study her more observantly. I had been so caught up in my own drama that I didn't even notice that her skin had paled and her wrists were slightly skinnier. I could tell that she was full of guilt, for her hardly made any eye contact with me. A small pang of remorse hit me then, I didn't even acknowledge her or talk to her last night when I came grumbling back home, still mad at her for actually agreeing with this engagement.
As soon as I caught the guilt in her gentle brown eyes when she stood up and looked at me, remorse consumed and berated me for losing my composure when she told me about the engagement. I recalled shouting at her, accusing her of selling me off.
What are you thinking, Kara-ah?
Before allowing myself to succumb to regret, I re-prioritized and gave her a gentle smile, enveloping her into a tight hug. At that moment, showing my love and respect took precedence over feeling guilt. I will just deal with my conscience later.
She lifted my head up with her fingers and her eyes turn into bright crescent when she gave me a bright motherly grin. "You look beautiful today Kara-ah. The people from the palace are already outside waiting for you."
Remorse and guilt with washing over me like a tsunami when she I stared into the depths of her warm eyes. I felt like crying at that very moment for being a failure of a daughter but I held back and remained my composure. "Thank you umma, I will be going off now." I bowed again.
I turned to face the smaller figure beside him. "I will skin you alive when I get back, understood?" I jokingly threatened him and Young Jae scoffed and looked away. I smiled at his childish reaction and ruffled the crown of his head with adoration, causing him to flinch at my sudden show of affection. "Lets go get your new basket ball when I get back."
As expected, his eyes lit up at the sound of this, "Really?!"
I nodded, before tilting my head towards the window, looking at the two formal looking men standing beside a black limousine. I made my way towards the front door, "Just make be a good kid and look after the house when I am away okay?"
His head bounced up and down like a bobbing figurine. His small and eager footsteps matched mine as he sent me off at the door, "Have fun at the palace noona!" He innocently said, grinning toothily. My mother and Ji Sung followed shortly behind.
"Miss Lee Kara." One of the men greeted and bowed in respect, reaching out to open the back seat of the limousine.
"Here! Let me help!" Young Jae interrupted, bolting open and holding out the door for me.
"Thanks." I smiled approvingly at his actions. I knew that Young Jae was an extremely sweet and affectionate kid, but only when it benefit him. Usually I would tease him and complain at how he only does these things because he wanted something. But for today, my heart just felt relieved and glad.
Out of the blue, my mother grabbed me, and spun me around for a last hug. I was stunned when I felt her tears drop silently onto my back.
I bit onto my lip and returned the gesture, wrapping around my hands around her skinny and frail body. I heard her sniffing back a cry before she softly whispered in my ear, "I will never sacrifice you for the sake of my own happiness. I just want the best for you, I just want you to be happy, just know that you are umma's precious daughter."
I held back my tears, and nodded my head in reply. I wanted to thank her, but I couldn't find the words to articulate how I felt at that moment. Before I went into the limousine, I throw one last longing glance at my family and they waved back happily with bright smiles on their faces. Giving them a bright reassuring smile that mirrored theirs, I waved back and hopped back to the back seat where my escorts slammed the door shut.
The Lee family was certainly not a typical family that goes for a movie on Sunday or has dinner together every night. We were not the type of family that often spoke of our love for one another.
We were dysfunctional in our own way, but we are strong.
Nothing can stop us from supporting one another and enduring each other's pain as well.