After what seemed like ages, Kai finally said, "I'll try."
Lianne shook her head, "No, not try. Either do, or don't. There is no try."
Yes, Lianne quoted Yoda but it was appropriate for now.
"I'm not asking you to tell me everything," Lianne said, "But there has to be something. You must take that first step."
Kai sighed and replied, "Fair enough. Okay."
Lianne smiled and gave him a light kiss on the lips, "And I'll tell you about the bodyguards in return."
Kai smiled back and kissed her hard, though he didn't use his tongue this time. He merely started kissing and sucking on her lips before pulling away. He then kissed her forehead and said, "See you tonight, then."
Lianne watched him go out the door with a sigh.
The first step.
Tonight.
Will they make it?
Lianne rubbed the spot she knew the hickey was on.
Without a doubt, she had fallen for him already.
This was beyond her calculations and planning.
It made things unclear and uncertain, for the timeline of her plans was now out of sync.
Lianne bit her lower lips as she lay down on the sofa. She was hugging the pillow that Kai had slept on and could still smell him on it.
Gah, she had it bad.
But then again, she already knew that.
Thinking about the talk that would happen tonight, Lianne sighed.
In truth, she couldn't really blame Kai for not revealing anything to her.
He only knew her as Lianne Yang, daughter of the normal blue-collar worker, Stephan yang. No matter how deep he dug, he wouldn't get anything more from that sort of background.
Her connection to Kyle was on the surface and just a 'sister-in-law' that Kyle was fond of, or close to. There was no indication that being with her would make him - or the Shengs - close to the Smiths.
The Smiths, who were very, very hard to get close to and they drew the line very, very clearly.
She may, or may not, be able to be of some benefit with her rather tenuous connection to the Smiths.
From his perspective, she held nothing of value to the Shengs and she had never been exposed to the sort of dealings that he had grown up in.
Naturally, he'd want to protect her from all of that, right?
She knew it.
She didn't blame him for his thoughts and actions.
It didn't mean she wouldn't feel perturbed by his actions though.
Lianne sighed deeply.
She'd also have to tell him about her true background.
If she wanted this to work, he wasn't the only one that had to learn to share.
She, needed to, too.
Lianne bit her lower lip hard.
That … was going to be far more difficult than it would be for Kai.
Lianne hugged the pillow harder and her eyes started to sting with tears. She gulped down the stone that seemed to be in her throat.
She thought of her parents.
Her father, Stephan, had been the typical normal guy that did not understand her. Words such as 'how could you do this', and his disappointment whenever she failed to do something that was 'expected' sent her into a spiral of self-criticism.
She would be thinking, 'Yes, why didn't I do that? It's so obvious. Why am I so stupid?' and no matter how disappointed her father was with her, she was even more so. Such self-doubt and criticism of herself were normal for her and it only served to make her retreat into herself more.
It had been a very dark moment for her but the one light in her life at that point was her mother. If it had not been for her, she would not have turned out the way she did.
Her mother accepted her for what she was, even though granted, there were times her mother had been harsh. There were times her mother had said words that inadvertently made Lianne question herself again.
However, Lianne discovered that when she told her mother of her thoughts, her mother would then change as well.
Like, the time she finally confided in her mother, who was waiting patiently for her to explain why she did what she did - and she had answered, 'I don't know. I feel bad.' … she saw how upset her mother was.
Not upset at her, Lianne, but upset at herself.
What made it more amazing was that her mother actually told her that.
It had been a turning point in Lianne's life.
It was as if she had an epiphany.
Her father was not the 'talking' type, but her mother was.
Her mother actually listened.
Her mother took what she said as value, and did not make her feel like it was her fault. Although it didn't mean that Lianne stopped blaming herself, it helped her immensely that she was not blamed.
Also, her mother talked *to* her rather than talked *down* to her. It was more of a sharing between sisters, rather than a parent teaching or scolding a child.
It opened up a whole new world for Lianne.
She still could not open up fully to her mother, though, but things got better. She would text her mother instead because she found words hard. She was still deathly afraid of rejection and the look of disappointment on the faces of the person she talked to.
Of being judged.
When her mother 'died', the one light in her life was snuffed out.
Lianne thought she would never be able to crawl out of that darkness and she lost it.
For the first time in her life, she could not control her emotions and would just wail, locked in the dungeon of darkness that filled her entire being. Her poor brother and father didn't know what to do, and that made her feel worse. Which only made her wail more.
Just thinking back on those dark days made Lianne shiver.
Having her condition diagnosed after that, made things easier.
It was then that she learned, that all of her thoughts of self-doubt and blame was something common in Aspergers.
People would tend to brush it aside as something that "everyone goes through". That all one needed to do was "think positively" and "don't say bad thoughts" and such.
What they did not realise is that to normal people, such struggles were common and one just needed to "be stronger" but to Apergers, it was like climbing Mt Fuji.
It was not a simple thing of just 'getting over it'.
She was not just being 'wilful' and 'negative' by choice.
It required constant, regular, fighting with herself.
If she slacks even a little bit, it can spiral down the rabbit hole.
So having her condition diagnosed and getting help, plus discovering Kyle was her mother reincarnated, started the process of healing.
Lianne was much better now and she could even talk more about her feelings once in a while. She felt really lucky that she was on the 'higher' end of the Asperger spectrum, which meant that her condition wasn't too severe.
But she still had problems.
Over-thinking, being overly rational, and logical had its good points but the flip side to that was not good when it was used on herself.
Plus, with her growing feelings for Kai, it was getting harder and harder to think straight. It was one or the other.
To be completely logical … or utterly emotional.
And the stronger her feelings for Kai grew, the bigger her fear was.
Yes, she had told him and warned him about her condition but how many people truly believed it?
Will there come a day that he would look at her with those disappointed eyes rather than one full of love? Would he finally get fed-up having to reassure her and be patient with her idiosyncrasies? Would he truly be able to accept this flawed person?
Tears rolled down Lianne's face when she started thinking of that day.
If even her own mother can misunderstand her sometimes, what more Kai? But unlike her mother who would never abandon her, Kai ... Kai could.
She stuffed her face into the pillow, taking a deep breath of Kai's scent and started a mantra in her mind.
Dr. Marveen, her therapist in Country M, told her to think positive thoughts when the negative ones seemed to overwhelm her.
Sometimes, Lianne wanted to smack her therapist then.
Did she think it was so easy? Just flip a switch?
Still, she knew she had to gather herself and push down these thoughts that threatened to overwhelm her.
She closed her eyes and just breathed in Kai's scent.
She thought back on all the positive and loving feelings she had whenever she was with him. That started calming her down a bit.
She kept up the mantra in her mind, and focused intensely on the positive feelings Kai gave her.
She was glad that she would have several hours of downtime before they meet again. She desperately needed that to 'get back' to herself.
This was another thing quite common in Aspergers. Where they just needed to be alone, away from people, so that all the overwhelming feelings and thoughts can be casted away.
To be 'normal' again.
With that thought, she drifted off to sleep once again.