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ALIEN DETECTIVE

Cricketreadsfanfic
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chs / week
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NOT RATINGS
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Synopsis
Staci Valun, hotshot detective for the Intergalactic Federacy, finds an unusual number of bombs planted near their office after they discovered scandalous government secrets. Against their better judgment, they have to accept a place in the witness protection program. That includes an annoying guard, Mr. Zebra, following his every step, and living on a new planet. To their dismay, at the dead-end of the universe, full of noisy creatures. Earth may not be ready for the high-tech alien duo in hiding. And Staci would prefer fighting a horde of bloodthirsty monsters than cope with their new identity. Especially since they are forbidden by Mr. Zebra to get involved in any criminal cases during the program. Staci Valun, now Wayne Griffin, has to decide - commit a federal crime to protect creatures his race sees as primitive animals, or lie down and die like a dog?
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Chapter 1 - Child Prodigy

Not to flex, but at age 10, Staci Valun was the best detective in the Intergalactic Federal Police Department's 2,571st precinct.

Now, I know what you're thinking:

"sweet infantile Jesus, not another child-prodigy -- I can't deal with these irrational feelings of inadequacy."

Don't worry.

Like all other modern Valorians, Staci didn't have a childhood. Literally.

They were conceived in an incubation tank; their neurons were connected artificially during foetal development, so they were born more or less mature.

Still, if you asked their co-workers, they would be described as childish; obsessive, hard to work with, an angry gremlin... etc.

But that's because they'd never met a Valorian before.

Not many people had; the employment integration program put in place by the Intergalactic Federacy (IGF) was a new development.

Before that, the Valorian Empire tried to stay as far away from everyone else for as long as possible. Soon they started to run out of excuses.

Were they xenophobic? People began to ask.

Yes.

But they didn't want anyone else to know it, so they begrudgingly agreed to let their citizens work for the IGF.

It actually worked out well for them; all the high calibre jobs were being taken these beasts with the work ethic of a demon (they looked like one, too, but we'll go into that more later).

And now, despite being adamant communists, Valorians are the richest race in the galaxy.

Anyway, enough politics.

Let's focus on our protagonist for a second.

Despite being 5'2, Staci Valun was a big fish in a small pond.

No-one was as driven as Staci Valun. No-one refused to eat or sleep until they solved a case. No-one would rather eat their own arm than eat vegetables – and they have (unrelated, but important).

When Staci was forced to quit their job, they were pretty fucked up.

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57 HOURS PRIOR TO BEING PLACED IN WITNESS SECURITY...

Everything was working out perfectly for Staci.

Days earlier, a felon they were chasing for months was convicted and sentenced to 10 years in federal prison:

~

"Yeah, well I'm going to have the time of my life, Staci -- I'm going to drop the soap on purpose."

"The showers stalls are separate. And if you try anything, you will be put in solitary."

~

Staci reminisced.

Now, they were working on the biggest case they'd ever had (in fact, they should probably let the Intergalactic Federal Bureau of Investigation - IGFBI - handle it, but nah).

In short, Staci was living the best days of their life.

At an equivalent time to 3 AM, Staci flew down from their boarding ship to the terraformed moon below (not a very cost-effective set-up, but the Valorian Empire could afford it).

As they exited the space-craft, Staci flicked their tongue out, tasting the petrichor of the rain-covered urbania.

Petroleum, tree, Ka'al's weird pheromones, and...

There was an unusual scent, masked by the rainfall. It was nostalgic; they recognised it from when they were in police academia; when they were learning how to diffuse-

Bomb.

"Oh, shit," Staci stopped in their tracks.

They turned around, following the scent to an alley beside their office building; a panel in the side of the highrise had been tampered with. They tore it off and it clattered on the concrete.

Entering the basement, Staci's pupils dilated to adjust to the low light. The room was cold and dank, old desks were stacked on the walls. They quickly noticed the pile of explosives in the center.

They needed to warn everyone-

No, wait. Staci had seen this design; they were improvised antimatter pipebombs, connected with thin stringy wire to a detonator. Crudely made, but they recognised the basic structure.

Staci knew how to diffuse it.

But they should leave that to the bomb squad...

What if it's too late? What if it went off before they could tell anyone?

*I mean, I didn't attend those classes for nothing.*

No time to waste, then. Carefully cut the wire between your nails...

Every atom in Staci's body was disintegrated in 0.02 seconds. They barely had time to comprehend the burning pain before their neurons were soot. The entire building exploded, sending projectiles across a 100-kilometre radius.

The death count was 18,297, with 47,153 injured.