I think I'm in some kind of shock..
It's like I'm going in and out of consciousness..
Fragments of memories.. but they aren't memories.. they're happening
Blade.. the look of betrayal and hurt on his face..
His eyes as they roll back.. no life.. no life
I don't want him to die.. I don't want to kill him..
I leave the apartment.. I'm covered in blood..
Someone tries to get me help.. asks if I need a doctor..
"But the blood isn't mine."
I'm somewhere.. I don't know where.. its night
Blade.. his blood is on me.. as long as it's on me he's not gone
Walking.. I'm walking.. it's sunrise.. I must have been walking for hours..
It's night again.. am I still walking? Blade.. I drift..
I blink.. it's day again.. how long have I been walking?
My father's grave.. my body brought me to him. I drop.. fall to the ground. Thoughts and memories crashing over me. I knelt next to his grave and I sobbed, I cried like my heart was broken.. which I suppose it was. What had I done? How could I ever live with myself?
"Daddy.. I killed-"
I'm sobbing, crying, begging the universe not to have taken him from me. Please I love him. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't mean to kill him. I just wanted to teach him a lesson.. to stop being so forceful with me.
I'm crying, I'm hysterical, I know it but I can't stop.. won't ever stop.
"Wildcat.. baby.. it's okay.. I'm here.. it's okay"
Oh God I can hear his voice.. the pain is overwhelming me.. I can't deal with this level of hurt.
"Blade?"
"It's me baby."
I couldn't dare dream.
"No.. not you.. I killed you.. Oh God I killed you.."
I succumbed to the tears again, racking, painful tears.
"Tasha! Look at me! I'm fine.. I'm not dead baby, but I do need to get back to the hospital and so do you. Come on honey."
Suddenly I'm gathered in his arms and he's solid and he's real and he's alive.
I finally allow the blessed relief of darkness to take me away.
* * *
"Blade!"
I crash awake, reaching out for him desperately.
"I'm here baby, I'm here."
"I killed you!"
Blade gathers me in his arms and holds me close as I cry again. Before I met this bastard I never cried and now it seems like it's all I do!
"Kitten, I need you to talk to the doctor before we talk. I want you to know that you think you killed me but you actually saved me - the doctor will explain everything ok?"
Blade is looking at me so tenderly and I'm transported back to all those months ago.. when he was sweet.. before the crazy..
A woman maybe five years older than me comes in, wearing a lab coat and a serious expression.
"Doctor, please can you explain everything to Tasha?"
The doctor looked down at the notes in her hands, read through a few pages quickly then turned to me, inspecting me through her glasses.
"President Night came in to our Emergency Room with a stab wound to the thigh that was bleeding heavily but did not appear to have caught a major artery. We rushed him in to surgery and actually the knife had done very little damage.. he was extremely lucky!"
I sucked in a breath of relief at this and Blade squeezed my hand, a gentle smile on his face.
"Whilst in surgery we sent his blood off for testing as is the standard process and we discovered that President Night has been poisoned - slowly over a number of months - and had a serious case of hepatic encephalopathy or HE. This is a condition that happens when a liver is failing. Affected individuals may also develop obvious personality changes including inappropriate behavior or lack of restraint. I can confirm that our Psychiatrist checked him prior to treatment and it was confirmed President Night had indeed developed those issues. Since the treatment we administered is now finished he is completely cured - both physically and psychologically. If the condition had continued deteriorating for even another month he may have died before we could treat it.. this knife wound really did save his life. I'll be leaving now but if you have any questions please let me know."
Wait.. what? All the crazy.. the anger.. the rape.. all of it was caused due to his being poisoned? He was innocent? A victim actually!
How was I supposed to process that?!