"I lie on the floor, washed by nothing and hanging on. I cry at night. I am afraid of hearing voices, or a voice. I have come to the edge, of the land. I could get pushed over."
----Margaret Atwood.
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Blue
I had been journaling routinely since I had been a freshman in my school.I didn't start only because I knew that both my parents used to do that,I simply maintained one because I wanted to capture my thoughts and daily turmoil.It was my expanse where there existed no reckoning and deception. Only I subsisted with my stark truths and horrors.A fractured sinnner,was I.
Shocked...
Let me clarify you guys, I am not a saint as Ed portrayed me often.I was an ordinary girl,way too much flawed and damaged for my own good.One whose cracks couldn't be glued back because I don't want them so.When we had scars too long,we stop hating then as they become a salient part of us.A hard acceptance,wasn't it?
It was...
I wouldn't ever dare say that I had bad parents or a shitty childhood.My parents were flawed too but never had they been absent from my life.They were the only soul beings that truly enlightened my meekly universe. They were and always will be the foundation of my life and my pleasure.Beyond them,I was and would always be lost.I know I might seem too reliant on them and pathetic too...might be I was but I didn't regret it even after all our past disgruntled differences. I love them more than, I detest them sometimes. Why do I loathe them at times?Well,its a story of another time,which I might add is lengthy as well.
So nevermind, since I was a kid I had been a silent,reserved and withdrawn kid.Never had I been a talker.But I used to watch people around me and keep track of their their actions.It used to amuse me immensely.
Later when I was in grade school,I began to loathe the other kids around for their shining brand new looks and accessories.Though I belonged to a middle-class family,my parents made sure that I got to study in the best school of the town,which of course screamed of money and power.From the beginning I knew didn't belong among the rich but I survived because I knew I deserved the best education.So you all could conclude that education and learning for me were my life savers.I used to get indulged in them or else I knew that I wouldn't be able to attain anything essential in my meagre life.Thus,I persisted and at some point I started loving it for the scope of opportunities it provided.
But watching the affluent ones gloat their wealth made me itch so much that often I felt of throwing off their nobility cape down and to make people see their actual heinous faces.They knew how to play a poor one around and were selfish bluffs.But never did I do such.I don't know why,might be because it wasn't my place to pull out their masks yet.
Besides at foible moments, I made brainless comparisons with those rich beautiful kids of my school and in due course I made myself more miserable and dejected.I made myself feel an ass.That's all.
I wasn't overconfident, instead I lacked the confidence to even make a stand then.Preposterous wasn't it?
I know better now.
To notify you all,I had always been way too ambitious,which had at times caused too many failures and loss.Thus,now I don't dream or hope anymore.....
I remember my mother used to narrate me an incident of when I was an infant.Guess what,I had territorial then. Once one of my aunt's took hold of my mom's purse when she was juggling me in arms as we had been traveling in a metro .Watching my aunt clutching my Mom's purse,I started grimacing,pouncing and pounding, gesturing my aunt to return back the damn purse.Hilarious,if I imagine it now.
And as expected since then I had been known to be self-centered girl.Weird isn't it, when we contemplate how every instance or so we are getting tagged by a name or an adjective by the society....
Trust me without even self-introspection,I could confirm that I am selfish because to be frank,there had been moments when I wanted to steal people's happiness,their love,laughter their dreams,emotions,i.e.,their everything.I am greedy and I am tainted with darkness and sins.I enjoy the vile people's cry and torment because it serves them right.
In my mind, some voices had always whispered to draw blood in the name of vengeance. Yet I didn't....because I knew better.I couldn't be impulsive. Rather I had to be patient for my chance.I am cold-hearted,believe me I know that.
Yet often,I would be emotional. I would look out at the sky and hope for the Aurora Borealis but tell me guys, had we ever pondered so deep.....that we people always fancy the things that are away from us,never once appreciating the things around us,in our reach.Never had we.I know I didn't but I do now.
Why couldn't we start to love and treasure the broad starry skies here in our town?
Why can't we start to make our town or place into a better world first?
Why not??
If you guys are scrutinizing me....Then don't. I am not worth it and neither are the pretentious people, who are simply mannequins to their own avarice and vices.
To prove myself bad,let me recount the moment I met Edward.On the first glimpse his entire presence screamed of peril and mystery,which I must admit lured me towards him.I wanted to break him and piece him back together.I wanted to sweep off his confident smirk and dissect him at my own pace so that I could observe whether he would perceive grief and treachery the same way I did.
He was handsome and mature no doubt but what irked most were those girly butterflies who buzzed near him then.I wanted to growl at them,stating whether they were aware of the saying-"perceptions can be deceptive ".We couldn't distinction a normal person and psychopath one even.They just smelled off his bank balance then unlike me.My query then was,"Why waste energy on someone who was too tightly wound to even bother and notice them?"
Fools were they.
Further when I had approached him and seated myself in front of him,I know I might sound weird but I got the whiff a hard won freedom from him.He had suffered a lot to buy his freedom. And then I had wanted to steal it for myself,because till then I hadn't been able to attain it.He peaked my curiosity.I badly wanted to know if he felt the thirst for revenge the same way as I did.I was intrigued to know whether he had any demons of whom he was afraid of...
Everyone have their own demons, I had several though.
Yes,I was fascinated with him but not due to his exquisiteness or charm but to his brokenness. It shrieked its howl through his eyes.His eyes were like a black holes which promised to suck in every bit of light.Too unworldly and sharp.Too piercing.
And as you all know by now,since I am broken myself,hence I had always felt an affinity for the damaged ones...wanna know why?It might be because I tend to feed upon their griefs,all the while liberating them of their sorrows.I was sponge for misery,always trying to help the needy and collecting theirs meanwhile so that I could suppress by own pain and griefs in-between. Throughout my puny life,I had tried to priotise other's distress better so that I could forget my own wounds.A defense...
And guys nobody knew this side of me,they never bothered.....so don't ever share this;)
As for Edward,well he cared and hence he kept on challenging me to open up but he never cracked me fully since I never allowed him to.I was and still am scared of myself.
Apart from these, life had taught me to believe in either justice or retribution. Eye for an eye,blood for blood.Mockingly I was liar who hated lies to the core.Unbelievable...isn't it?That's me,a silent girl who just bids time for reprisal.
For several years now, I lusted over dreams, and emotions because certain circumstances robbed me of them.
And believe it or not until now I had eagerly waited for someone who would be capable of making my blood boil with an enticing thrill and who would be able to trigger dreams and emotions in me.None came so far until Ed.
He captivated me with his deep turquoise eyes that held an incanto of secrets and sins.And I wanted to unravel them insanely and fix him in the course.Was this feeling wrong?Was it madly?I dunno.....
I just wanted to share his control and drive.They were addictive.
Now you guys might be thinking why I am like this?
To answer your query,I would only say that when you are burned a lot in fire,you eventually become the fire....you thrive on it.Similarly,when a young girl who had sustained years of bullying,isolation,hunger and pain,she turns into a nemesis with a silent promise of evoking an apocalypse.That's me,Blue.
But now that Edward happened to me,I had become a lot more settled and a silent acceptance had seeped into my skin.Better to say I feel adjusted well into my skin.He tamed me,just as I somewhat did to him.Don't tell him that.
Unfortunately with him gone due to his amnesia, I am lost again.Both frequently had I consciously and unconsciously prayed for his quick recovery. I wanted him to remember us.Remember me. Selfish I know,but I needed him back.
Thus recalling him,I wrote this poem in my journal.....
Remember Us
Remember us,
Remember us in squalls,
Remember us like you know the whiff of rain,
Remember us like you perceive the blazing flame,
Remember us like the pummelling waves,
Remember us like you really want to...
Remember us for the sake of remembrance...
Remember us under that starry night sky,
when you cloaked me in your warm cosy hug...
Remember us in that tangerine crystal glow of sunset,
And do remember us in the moments of silent with the syncing of our breathes,
Please remember us for the sake of feeling whole again...
Remember us with the moment when our love for each other wasn't enough.
Remember us like the sparks of fireworks,
Remember us like the mists of waterfall,
Remember us with our unraveling.
Remember us like kiss of loving breeze.
Remember us for the sake of us.
Remember us for yourself.
Remember us when we linked our hands
And felt like home.
Remember us for the eternity
Not for some ephemeral ...
Please remember us.....