At age 4, I learned to cry silently.
"Be quiet," my father shouted as his fingers rolled his belt around his arm, his eyes burning with fury.
I had thought it was because I had done something very wrong that he was staring at me with such emotions that I could not name.
Beside me, my little brother had his hands tied behind him as he continued to cry hysterically. Only when his nose started to bleed did he regain the right to have his arms free.
It was a memory etched deeply into my mind. Perhaps what you may call a "core memory".
From then on, whenever I cried, I would remember to do so quietly. Afraid that I, too, would have my arms tied behind me while my father whipped me.
I began to learn to read faces. I realized that whenever it happened, it wasn't that I did something wrong. It was that they were already feeling frustrated, and a child crying may only infuriate them further.
That's why, whenever I concluded that they were upset by reading their micro-expressions, I would immediately shut up and take care of my siblings so that we don't do something that will make them vent their frustrations on us.
I became a people pleaser. I've been told I was mature for my age. Well, if learning to predict their emotions and making it my responsibility to please them was "maturity", then I guess I was an old soul already.
It became a habit. A habit I could not get rid of even as I grew older.
I could tell what someone is feeling, solely from looking at their faces.
Perhaps, this is also the reason why I make sure not to express my negative emotions through my face. I didn't want anyone to think that my emotions were their responsibility too.
I took care not to have any other expression aside from pleasant ones. And as time passed by, I gradually became unable to have a negative expression. My face became stiff, and smiling was the only thing I was good at.
"Super Smile Award". I made fun of myself for having this award when I was in highschool.
Because who could I blame? Whenever I was upset, I would smile. Whenever I was annoyed, I would smile. Whenever I was offended, I would smile.
But... I would still try my best to hide when I cry. Because after all these years, I still could not control my tears; Thus, it was to my benefit that I forgot how to cry loudly.
But... Is this also why other people can't be considerate of me? Because I was afraid to show my weakness, so they didn't know when they're hurting me? But how do I unlearn something that's already become a part of me? How do I get rid of something that has been buried in my soul so deeply, that even when I try so hard, I still can't let myself be vulnerable to others? How, when I can't even tell my best friends my problems without laughing and making it seem like those were nothing?